To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

[Cloud991]

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

Divorce him! And take him to the cleaners. He needs to pay for you doing everything at home! That is abusive behaviour!

This is not normal. We pay all of our salaries into a joint account, then take the same amount out each to have in our personal accounts. Bills and family costs out the joint account, everything else out our personal accounts. He earns more than double my salary, so pays a much higher proportion into the joint account than I do. I work 3 days and so the vast majority of household tasks. He works 5 days.

Can only compare to our situation - and its very different ...I work FT - dw works pt but the spending is from a joint credit card which I pay off....I pay bills....if theres a big expenditure ie holidays we'll sort t between us....

Ok, he's been a major dick. It does sound like it's about control. You deserve better than that

Sure others have said: this is financial abuse. Do not tolerate it.

@AskMeMore
Part of the problem with your analysis is that when the man works, he is working to support our family. However, the woman who stays home is viewed as taking care of "his child- "when arguments are put forward about child care I have never seen a statement made that she is home taking care of their child. The stay at home parent is saving herself as much as she is saving him, and often time it is a poor decision in terms of long term financial impact on the woman's ability to become self supporting. Woman will often decide not to work because 90% of their income goes to the child care provider, but they fail to realize that staying in the workforce is beneficial to their ability to contribute to a pension and to develop mobility on the job.

Suggesting to women that there is comparable monetary value in the in-kind work that they do in the home is challenged the first time they attempt to pay a bill with impound currency or try to convince an employer that 5 years of life administration translates into 5 years of management experience in the work place.

A better stance to take is to encourage young women to get as much education and training as possible prior to having children. Many young males are taught that you need to be prepared to support you family, and young women should be taught those same principles. There is little value in having young woman who are hardly equipped to support themselves having children that they are incapable of supporting or suggesting that cooking, cleaning, and life administrator is the equivalent of currency or legal tender.

Sadly, with the high divorce and break-up rates, these women are often ill equipped to adequately support their children even though it frequently becomes necessary. That is why you rarely hear single moms extolling the financial equivalency of cleaning, cooking , and life administration.

It is one thing for men to lie to us, but it is an unforgivable thing for women to mislead each other.

Women too often look for the prince or knight in shinning armor to treat them well and work them away to better lives rather than looking forward to the day when they are prepared to become the well prepared , financially sufficient woman who does not need to dream because that is a really that she has created for herself and her children.

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwr82iBhCuARIsAO0EAZwdc7hR-bfBOQMAplSrcJkTlULJU7v9MrH7-9hQFfNuzSmDledoEMcaAjY2EALw_wcB
check this out, OP

Give him a bill for half of your child care. Work out how many hours you do and how much that would cost if you were a nanny and tell him he needs to pay half of that.

Having shared responsibility for bills is pretty normal, the rest is mental

Chk fb groups for narcissistic partners, it might enlighten you

Sorry posted my above comment in the wrong post. Will report to get it deleted.

Yes, I could almost live with a 50/50 split on expenses but this is abnormal.

I wish you the very best of luck. I really do.

My hackles rose when, in your first post, you said, "my husband makes me." I am 70 years old, meaning that I grew up in a very different time, when women were almost always SAHMs. I remember the discussion that my parents had when my mother told my father, "I think I'd love managing a hotel or motel (tourist city)!" Dad immediately said, "Well, if that's what you want to do, go for it!" I also remember when several of his friends said that they would NEVER let their wives work. Dad replied, "I don't 'let' or 'make' my wife do anything. We are partners. We discuss things, and reach a decision together." That was my model, and I just do not understand how men, especially today, still think that they have a right to dictate to their wives.

Now, that said, of course, you should contribute a reasonable share of your salary to the household. But it sounds as if he is nitpicking and keeping score, so to speak. That is not reasonable at all where there is a large discrepancy in incomes.

If you do buy anything for the house, e.g bathroom towels, dish cloths, tea towels, light bulbs, or anything do you hound him for his half?

Do you see what he earns and that he is actually paying half himself.

When my husband was alive, we would discuss who had earnt what that month, so we would either put a bit more or less in, so we each had something left, over the year it pretty much worked out.

Id be concerned over this behaviour tbh.

Stop doing all the extra house work, cleaning, gardening
admin, etc... All unpaid and it sounds like it is under appreciated in your household

Loving and raising your DC is more than enough for someone who also works and fairly contributes to half of the expenses!

You are speaking of a societal issue. Which many have a problem with, including me, but we are not discussing that here.
We are speaking of the value of housekeeping, domestic service and childcare within the context of a family. And that does have value to the home and family and is equal or greater than the income from a job.
Which is all neither here nor there since the OP works. In their own business.
Okay, discussing it a little.
Only in abusive relationships does that happen to SAHM these days. in good relationships, the SAHM has her own savings accounts, her own money from the household income. She also often works from home, or part time, or in her own business. When SAHM are strictly that, it is generally because they have a bunch of littles or children with greater needs or are caring for some family member/s that have extra needs.
To act like any of these women should change what they need, what their families need just to bow down to the patriarchy or the 1980's version of feminism is not the right approach. Stop trying to play the patriarchy game. It is not a fun game. no one likes. The patriarchy doesn't even like it or they all wouldn't be so miserable all the time.

Not normal , he's trying to control you, I had this. Keep everything normal, but start another account secret from him and put money in, this is your escape account,and then when there's enough money in, leave the twat

I would expect to pay the bills.
I am not shy with men trying to patronise or manipulate me though.
He would be told , in a diplomatic but firm way (possibly by playing him at his own game amd questionning his purchases) to eff off.
Please save for yourself to get out if you need to.

I may be wrong in this assumption but with you saying that you're not sure how other married couples sort out their finances I wonder if you haven't been married all that long? I have just reread your post and what concerns me most is that you say you are struggling with "All sorts of things" concerning your husband's behaviour?!
The sort of controlling and dictatorial behaviour you have chosen to speak about regarding your finances is unfortunately and worryingly very common and if you are not long married and he is already bullying you (make no mistake, this is what this is!) to this extent I have to say that it does not bode well.
Men like this DON'T change and most won't even admit that they need to so you will have to stand up for yourself and let him know that you're definitely not happy with his attitude and how things are.
What you then do is entirely dependent on his reaction and you MUST then decide if there is a future in the relationship because otherwise you will be enabling him at your own expense and any chance of happiness...perhaps try to imagine how it might be if you had children together?
I cannot stipulate enough how serious this could potentially be...you must not make excuses for him or pretend things are OK if you know in your heart they are not...I do hope things work out for you.

I looked back over the posts but unless I've missed something I can't see anywhere that it mentions they have even one child?!

I haven't been able to find any reference at all to them having any children?! Someone else mentioned a child so have I missed something?

@Cariadm I hope this helps

Thought I must have missed a message regarding them having a child!
In my reply to her one of the things I told her was what really worried me the most was that she mentioned in her OP that she 'struggles' with 'All sorts of things' in relation to her husbands behaviour so personally I think it sounds like she needs to 'get the hell out of Dodge'!! He doesn't sound a bundle of fun does he?! 🤔😱

Absolutely! I'm all on board with bailing on this marriage. OP is being treated terribly and is now questioning herself/situation which leads me to possible gaslighting from DH