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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

304 replies

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

OP posts:
ign0re · 04/05/2023 20:10

Paying your way is normal.

the passing judgement on what you buy/going round the house looking for anything new that you’ve bought is bonkers/controlling

mandlerparr · 04/05/2023 20:16

He is trying to control you through finances. your choices are leave him, or sit him down and have a conversation. Tell him there will no longer be him telling you how things get paid. You are going to sit down together, figure out what daily, weekly, monthly, and intermittent bills and costs your family has. Then, you will both put all your money (minus what you have to put back into business expenses) into that joint account. So, if you don't have one, you should do a budget for your business as well so you know how much it needs. and then save another 25% above that into a business account for emergencies.
You will figure out how much money you both have left over after the bills and expenses. Some of that will go to a joint savings account and some will go to both of you as an allowance.
And when we are talking about shared costs and expenses, we are also talking about transportation costs. If you go to the store and buy him a snack he wants out of the joint account, he can't then complain when you buy a snack at work out of the joint account.
An allowance will be if you go out without each other. If going out as a couple or with the kids, that is from the joint account. If you go out with friends or respective family alone, that is from allowance. shave needs, toiletries, etc come out of joint account. If the roof falls off, that is joint account. If someones tooth falls out, joint account.
The only thing that does not come out of joint account is grabbing lunch alone, more than 3 pairs of shoes at a time, resets yearly (barring if they are literally for work and do need to be replaced) that cute purse or wallet.
So, when making a purchase you say, "does this benefit only me or others in the home as well and how much is the cost?". If it benefits others, but his more than a threshold you both discuss and agree to, then you discuss the purchase first. (there should also be a limit on smaller purchases under the threshold if there are a lot of them) and it comes out of the joint account.
If it is just for the individual, then buy it if you want if you have enough in your allowance.
The goal from both sides should be to do what is best for the family as a whole. That means no one should be buying a ton of unnecessary items (that the average person would deem unnecessary. Some out there think toilet paper is unnecessary.) or hoarding money that the other doesn't have access to.
You have already been doing more childcare and housework than him. for him to expect to do a smaller percentage of unpaid work, but expect you to fully pay half the expenses is ridiculous. If that is the case, then hire a cleaner and a nanny and take it out of the joint account.
If he has a problem with any of this, it is because he is trying to control you with money. financial abuse. And from what you have said, verbal abuse as well.

mandlerparr · 04/05/2023 20:18

and this shouldn't have to be said, but no, his allowance does not get to be bigger because he makes more. No. All of his day to day needs will have been taken care of from the joint account and he doesn't need extra money.

REignbow · 04/05/2023 20:21

Paying a proportion based on your salary is normal. Paying half of everything when you have a chronic illness, are caring for a young child whilst working part time is not.

^^

Jack80 · 04/05/2023 20:26

This is not ok, I would tell him that you want bills coming out of your account and you know what your paying.

katepilar · 04/05/2023 20:26

The way you phrase to describe what the situation is makes me think that you never had a discussion about how you will manage your finances and never agreed on how you want to do it. He certainly shouldnt be the only one deciding and demanding what he wants from you.

Twillow · 04/05/2023 20:34

Have only read your comments Op, so sorry if it's been mentioned already but read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft - it will help you decide if this and other behaviours are or are not abusive. It's available free online here https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Original poster
Cloud991 · 04/05/2023 20:39

@Twillow thank you for the link

OP posts:
Iknowthis1 · 04/05/2023 20:47

Every month, my dh "makes me"....

Those two words are the most concerning part of whole post. Nothing about it is normal. He's controlling you. It's supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship.

CoozudBoyuPuak · 04/05/2023 20:50

No this isn't normal. It's financially controlling and abusive.

There's not one "correct" way, but the various reasonable ways to manage finance:
(1) treat both members of the couple and equal, with neither being controlled or infantilised by the other
(2) Gives you both a reasonable level of autonomy for discretionary household spending, potentially with some kind of spending limit beyond which you will consult one another - what this limit is will depend on how wealthy you are as a couple and how much margin of error you have between your income and what it takes to meet basic needs.

(3) equalises relative wealth for personal non-household spending if one of you has higher income, because you are partners and if one of you has the good fortune to be able to earn more than the other then you want to equalise that - especially if the one earning less is contributing more in unpaid labour for household management.

Some couples manage this by paying all salaries straight into a joint account and each taking "pocket money" for personal spending, others will have a similar kind of model to yours and each contribute from their salary into a joint account - but crucially this is done with fairness, love and understanding and by mutual discussion and agreement.

toxic44 · 04/05/2023 20:53

He sounds either totally anxious about money owing to past trauma or else he is a control freak. My mother used to criticise me for buying myself anything but your DP is not your parent. Did you agree together that he is the Financial Director? If not, he's overstepping the mark.

RandomMess · 04/05/2023 20:53

You do work full time though don't you as you are doing the lions share of housework and parenting to enable him to do paid employment.

Therealjudgejudy · 04/05/2023 21:07

No, this is not normal.

He is abusive

Middleagedspreadisreal · 04/05/2023 21:20

I'll never understand his & hers bank accounts, but his controlling behaviour is far from normal. Get out now.

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2023 21:21

No, no, no. This is financial abuse. You need to get away from him.

I could ask whether you charge him the going rate for cleaning, childcare, chores etc, which would be fair by his logic but that would be encouraging you to stay.

Stop putting anything into the joint account. Save it for a lawyer. If he asks/ hounds just say that you’re reconsidering your position and your contribution is 3 days of childcare and various menial tasks.

Then get yourself out however you can. He’ll obviously be a dick but you should be entitled to half your marital assets and regular maintenance for your DD. There are also various online calculators where you can work out your benefits entitlement. You might struggle but you’ll manage and, just think, you’ll never have to have him ask where you bought a pair of shoes or (madly) shout bye after you again. Wouldn’t that be nice?

YukoandHiro · 04/05/2023 21:24

No, it's not normal. I am self employed and often apologise to DH if I'm late putting my contribution into the joint account we run family and household bills from because a client hasn't paid or whatever. And he always, always says please don't worry, it's fine, it's all covered and tells me to stop apologising.

Are there other red flags around control or lack of kindness/sharing?

Crumpleton · 04/05/2023 21:24

I split up with him in the summer but ended up taking him back because I panicked and a number of things were really difficult for me to manage on my own.

Is there a chance he's taken this as you needing him and he's using it to his advantage by financially abusing you?

Re you doing all the work/gardening do you charge him or knock a set amount off of your share if the bills that it would cost for you to employ someone to do it?
No....
I expect if it was the other way round your DH would expect this.

brainexplorer · 04/05/2023 21:24

It seems illogical as well as unfair. If you're responsible for half the bills no matter what you earn, it's none of his business what you do with excess (going round the house looking for things you've bought!!).

If you are each contributing what you can afford to, it might make sense that he resented other purchases because perhaps he thinks you can afford more (not that I would defend the level of control exhibited here!). However, as you've put in 50% to the joint account, next time he gets like that you can tell him you've paid your bills so it's irrelevant how you spend the rest.

Ultimately, this sounds like it's more about control than money. You transfer it to a joint account, but it sounds like he is the one controlling that account. Is it joint? Or is it his and he calls it joint?

DH and I have only ever had joint accounts we can both access, but we got married quite young so we had nothing to lose! I don't know how on earth we would resolve paying for the random crap houses and children and pets need if we were invoicing each other all day. It would never end. Plus I'd definitely invoice for any housework and childcare over and above 50% so how does that work if he can't afford my rates?? I just stop parenting at 2pm? Pick a favourite kid and only look after them? Better have another one for even numbers. Realistically you can't put a price on everything you do for your partner and children motivated by love. Nobody could afford you. My husband could not afford my invoice for birthing his big head kids. If that sounds ridiculous, it's because it is. This isn't how families live.

user1470295058 · 04/05/2023 21:25

Definitely not normal....is very controlling. I feel for you. We have a joint account so its our money...I know this doesn't suit everyone but it works for us.we usually tell each what we've bought and always consult each other for large purchases

porridgeisbae · 04/05/2023 21:26

I split up with him in the summer but ended up taking him back because I panicked and a number of things were really difficult for me to manage on my own.

@Crumpleton I think he's tried to tell you that about yourself, but he's wrong, you can do it. Tens of millions of us do, and you won't be the worst of us who get by.

BadgerFacedCoo · 04/05/2023 21:26

TooManyAnimals94 · 03/05/2023 20:47

Goes round the house looking for things you've bought??

Just read that back.

You've either not mentioned a serious shopping or spending addiction or you need to tell a loved one this so you can see a genuine reaction to this behaviour.

BeverlyHa · 04/05/2023 21:35

you have to divorce...?

eastegg · 04/05/2023 21:40

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 03/05/2023 20:51

On paper not normal… but I wonder if you being self employed is a bit of a hobby job and he doesn’t want to have to be soley financially responsible for bills.
Looking for stuff you’ve bought however isn’t on…

I spy prejudice here against the self-employed. Hobby job 🙄. Absolutely nothing in the OP at the point you posted, to suggest a ‘hobby job’.

BitchBrigade · 04/05/2023 21:42

Buy it and read it. You ill thank yourself later, when it helps you understand why your abuser is the way he is and that there is no changing that. Then you can make plans to get out.

Why does he do that? - Lundy Bancroft

Cherryblossoms85 · 04/05/2023 22:07

Hope you find his weird ass!