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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

304 replies

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

OP posts:
MadelineZott · 03/05/2023 21:03

We both pay into a joint account each month in proportion to our wages i.e. the higher earner contributes more. The money left over is our own, to do with as we please, with no interrogation or searching the house for purchases.

This does mean that the higher earner has more spending money but they have more expensive hobbies and also pay for some joint holidays etc.

Unless there were big problems like a gambling problem or historic debt, or we had agreed to both save up for something, e.g. house deposit or starting a family, I wouldn't expect to be quizzed over what I do with my own spare money.

ShowUs · 03/05/2023 21:05

The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary

Sounds like he wants you to have a more secure income which is absolutely fair enough.

There was almost an identical thread to this recently but the sexes were reversed and so I’m wondering if this is a reverse.

Stripycatz · 03/05/2023 21:07

Whatever your individual incomes and joint expenditures are, you need to come up with a system that is equitable and on which you both agree.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/05/2023 21:07

Is there a back story here? Has he had to pay off your debts in the past? Contributing is fine, but it should be proportional. Checking if you have spent money? Fuck no, that is really strange. Money is often a cause of conflict in relationships but it does not sound like you guys have the joint skills or processes to handle disagreements?

JagerbombsUnite · 03/05/2023 21:09

It seems mean and controlling - but is there a backstory? Do you have a history of profligate spending? Debts? Reason for being self-employed? Was he always this way.
Whatever the reason YANBU it's nasty behaviour.

Twisting · 03/05/2023 21:09

MadelineZott · 03/05/2023 21:03

We both pay into a joint account each month in proportion to our wages i.e. the higher earner contributes more. The money left over is our own, to do with as we please, with no interrogation or searching the house for purchases.

This does mean that the higher earner has more spending money but they have more expensive hobbies and also pay for some joint holidays etc.

Unless there were big problems like a gambling problem or historic debt, or we had agreed to both save up for something, e.g. house deposit or starting a family, I wouldn't expect to be quizzed over what I do with my own spare money.

This is pretty much us. I currently earn more than dh, but will do more with the kids, so spend more that way. Neither of us goes without although I am probably the more profligate.

We have always put a set amount into the joint account, then topped up if necessary. I put a bit more in.

Original poster
Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:09

Yes he earns more than me, my work isn't a hobby job, I just work part time because we also have a 2 year old and I have a chronic illness. I don't have a problem contributing to the bills, it's the constant hounding and having no understanding of the insecurity of being self employed can be sometimes. Is it also normal to demand half towards every thing we buy? Also I accidentally used our joint account to pay for bus fare (picked up wrong card by mistake) and he demanded I pay that back...

OP posts:
JagerbombsUnite · 03/05/2023 21:10

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:09

Yes he earns more than me, my work isn't a hobby job, I just work part time because we also have a 2 year old and I have a chronic illness. I don't have a problem contributing to the bills, it's the constant hounding and having no understanding of the insecurity of being self employed can be sometimes. Is it also normal to demand half towards every thing we buy? Also I accidentally used our joint account to pay for bus fare (picked up wrong card by mistake) and he demanded I pay that back...

Disgusting. This is abusive.
I appreciate it's probably difficult to LTB, but these are not the actions of a caring man, He does not give a shit about you.

Original poster
Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:11

This isn't a reverse, genuine thread. No I've never had any debts etc... See my previous post for why I'm self employed and work part time.

OP posts:
HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 21:13

No, that’s financial abuse, a form of domestic abuse in that you may technically have funds of your own but you are not allowed to spend them and and are afraid to buy anything with your own money. That makes your money into his money. Which is financial abuse.

i would be talking to women’s aid and seriously considering leaving because someone like that isn’t going to change and if you push back, the abuse could expand to include not just the financial, emotional and verbal abuse but also physical abuse and more intense coercion and control.

Onelifeonly · 03/05/2023 21:15

Sounds abusive to me. Normal would be to agree how the finances are to be split amicably and to discuss what to do if unexpected expenses arise.

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 21:15

Sorry @Cloud991 but your DH sounds ill.

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 21:16

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:09

Yes he earns more than me, my work isn't a hobby job, I just work part time because we also have a 2 year old and I have a chronic illness. I don't have a problem contributing to the bills, it's the constant hounding and having no understanding of the insecurity of being self employed can be sometimes. Is it also normal to demand half towards every thing we buy? Also I accidentally used our joint account to pay for bus fare (picked up wrong card by mistake) and he demanded I pay that back...

You are literally living like his slave!

Original poster
Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:16

@Verbena17 in what way?

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 03/05/2023 21:17

Oh OP I see so many threads on here like this and it's never fair. Esp when the woman works part time to care for the child - of course you earn less and should contribute less- and be compensated for the work you do as "free" childcare.

You need to sit down together, look at earnings and shared outgoings (including everything for the child) and agree a fair division. And then what you spend out of your own money is no one's business as long as its not harmful to the family.

But this may not solve the problem if he is, as it appears, a nasty controlling man....

Original poster
Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:17

Yes I do feel like a slave, I do everything in the house and garden, admin, dealing with problems etc

OP posts:
Tandora · 03/05/2023 21:18

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:16

@Verbena17 in what way?

Because he’s taking advantage of your labour (you work part time to look after DC) and at the same time taking your money. You need to leave this relationship. He’s a nasty abusive man who is exploiting you.

IcedBananas · 03/05/2023 21:19

Paying half the bills is fine if you’ve both discussed it and decided that’s the fairest way. If he’s being a dictator and telling you this is how it had to be then he’s being controlling. The looking round the house for your purchases - He’s being extremely controlling. Look up examples of coercive control and make sure you’ve not got wider issues of control in the relationship. If there’s other signs I’d start planning an exit now before you get in any deeper.

if you’re in a healthy relationship you should be able to talk about your shared financial goals (saving up for certain things etc) and agree how you manage your money together. Realistically you’re going to need to buy things sometimes so you should agree to put aside a certain amount of money for that monthly.

Rumplestrumpet · 03/05/2023 21:19

To compare - my husband always earned more than me. He pays the lions share of all bills and makes sure we both have the same amount of spending money. That's not the only way to do it, but your current set up is grossly unfair and unhealthy

GrumpyPanda · 03/05/2023 21:19

Bill him for the time you spend looking after his child at professional nanny rates. He's a monster.

BeaLola · 03/05/2023 21:20

To answer your question - No this is not ok in a marriage - a marriage is a joint partnership not someone controlling you and making all the rules etc

UndercoverCop · 03/05/2023 21:20

No this is not normal.
We pay into a joint account for bills, our incomes fluctuate a bit due to overtime, allowances etc.
I have a spreadsheet where I input what we've both earned each month at the top it then deducts the list of outgoings , savings , grocery budget amounts etc and whatever is left gets split in two for fun money. So if one of us earns a bit less one month we both get a bit less, if one of us earns more we both get a bit more, we always have the same amount of disposable income.

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 21:20

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:16

@Verbena17 in what way?

He has tied you financially to the marriage and makes you pay him.
He sounds as though he needs help /therapy/some kind of psychiatric help.

Does he ever say he knows his behaviour is not acceptable?

The way he’s controlling you financially is not normal behaviour but sadly, I’ve read so many things similar to this.
Ok so to have a joint account and a separate account for paying bills etc - fine. But to harass you to paying and making everything exactly equal etc …..just seems to say perhaps he’s been in financial hardship before or neglect from his own parents? Or if not, he’s just being financially controlling.

Is he controlling in other ways towards you or only about money?

CheeseEaterEddie · 03/05/2023 21:21

Paying back the bus fare is just ridiculous. Honestly, who penny pinches this way? It is not normal on any level. It is financial abuse.

Are you paying a proportional amount because you earn less? I am disabled and went part time originally, then stopped working and not once has Dh ever looked around and made comments about what I have bought. Even when I don't bring in any money.

Theluggage15 · 03/05/2023 21:21

No, no, no. This is not normal and that behaviour does not belong in what should be a loving and supportive relationship.