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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

304 replies

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/05/2023 20:43

Absolutely NOT normal and quite frankly weird and controlling.

RandomMess · 03/05/2023 20:44

Who made him the boss?

Pigglesworth · 03/05/2023 20:44

It is absolutely not normal or OK. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

Ophy83 · 03/05/2023 20:44

Not normal. Is he restrictive/controlling in other ways?

Doggymummar · 03/05/2023 20:45

Err no. Not normal

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/05/2023 20:46

No. Of course not.

newname642 · 03/05/2023 20:46

Does he have a regular salary? And does he earn more than you? If so, expecting you to pay half is really not okay

Stripycatz · 03/05/2023 20:46

Not ok, financially abusive in fact.
How long have you been together?

Wishitsnows · 03/05/2023 20:47

That’s not right. Also say you want to double check his account to ensure you are paying the correct percentage. Don’t just trust what he says.

itsmylife7 · 03/05/2023 20:47

no.

TwilightSkies · 03/05/2023 20:47

It’s financial abuse!

Dracuuule · 03/05/2023 20:47

He doesn't sound normal! Why is he so overly concerned about your purchases?
He sounds unhinged.

TooManyAnimals94 · 03/05/2023 20:47

Goes round the house looking for things you've bought??

Just read that back.

nirbil · 03/05/2023 20:48

People are saying it's not ok but if he was the one not putting in his share I'm sure you would all be telling OP how awful he was.

He sounds like a nasty prick which he would be with or without this issue

Simonjt · 03/05/2023 20:49

The looking for things is odd, but you should be paying your half of the bills each month, would it be easier to set up a standing order?

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 03/05/2023 20:50

Not remotely normal.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 03/05/2023 20:50

I tell my partner how much he needs to pay to cover his share of the bills or he wouldn't do it and they wouldn't get paid. I do have a problem though with your DH going round the house to see if you've bought anything, who the fk does that?

Sissynova · 03/05/2023 20:51

my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills

I mean the wording here is unnecessary. “Make” sounds more negative but it’s just a case of you both putting money in for joint bills, which is totally normal.

Going around the house to see if you’ve bought something is really not normal behaviour though.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 03/05/2023 20:51

On paper not normal… but I wonder if you being self employed is a bit of a hobby job and he doesn’t want to have to be soley financially responsible for bills.
Looking for stuff you’ve bought however isn’t on…

Tandora · 03/05/2023 20:53

Simonjt · 03/05/2023 20:49

The looking for things is odd, but you should be paying your half of the bills each month, would it be easier to set up a standing order?

Disagree. If it’s a marriage and she earns less/ is under financial stress, this is not ok behaviour to hound her all the time. I would never treat my partner this way, nor he me. We support each other.

Hotfootgoose · 03/05/2023 20:53

Looking round for new things you have bought? I’d buy him a Sherlock holmes hat and spy glass and take the p out of him !
not normal at all.

Screwballs · 03/05/2023 20:54

... He wanders around the house looking for stuff you might have bought... With your own money...?

No. This is not normal. Paying your own way is normal, bills come first, if you bought in 1k but half the bills that your agreed to pay are £800, then really you should pay that as a priority and manage your month, "Slack" isn't a thing when you are single. However, if I didn't have a penny, and OH knew that, he wouldn't dream of making me feel shit about that and would do his utmost to cover me for as long as he could. He'd also never expect a back payment on that. What he would expect from me is to pay my way in normal circumstances, much like I wouldn't expect him to just not pay one month without understanding why. He has never nagged me for money I owe, neither of us do that, we both pay odds and sods and generally it works out between us anyway. But if it didn't, neither of us care. We are committed, no one "owes" anything in our relationship, quite the opposite.

This isn't OK OP and I suggest, outside of your normal monthly payment to your joint account, that your money stays completely seperate and your own. He sounds highly controlling.

Tandora · 03/05/2023 20:54

This is financial abuse OP

SavBlancTonight · 03/05/2023 20:54

Not.normal, no..

Does he earn more?
Are you paying into the joint account based on how much you echo earn?
Why are other joint purchases made 50/50?
Do you have sight of and access to.joint account? Are.you aware of where the monet is going?

And then, how are non financial things split? Eg do you do bulk of.cooking/cleaning? Do you have dc? How is their current managed?

Greentree1 · 03/05/2023 20:57

You need to make it a percentage of what you earn, so if you earn less you pay less into the joint account.

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