To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

[Cloud991]

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

Normal for him, evidently, but not for anyone else. My sympathy. If you can move him on, do so.

I think it's reasonable to pay half of the household expenses. If I thought I couldn't do this I'd be having a conversation before I committed to the mirtgage/outgoings/lifestyle. Of course it would be usual to support someone you care about when they're struggling, but your work situation sounds like a predictable occurance. I know many couples contribute pro rata to their income, which is fine too but I don't think it's fair to change the 'rules' midway.

Checking what you've bought, now that sounds plain odd. If you have a habit though of buying things from joint money with no discussion then id say this is more a trust than control issue. Maybe you're complaining you're short of money but then have spent £100 on some pillows. You're entitled to do that, but it would be a bit unfair to expect someone else to then subsidise you.

Posts like yours make me focus less on the situation, snd more on yhe build up. How did you find yourself in this situation? What's changed to make you dissatisfied with the arrangent now?

Apologies, I have re-read and see that you have household/family responsibilities which are affecting your earning potential. Under these circumstances it would be usual for your financial contribution to reduce.
Obviously I don't know your commitments but it doesn't sound like you're broke. If your mortgage is paid off that's a huge advantage, so lm assuming it's the attitude of your OH more than the financial penalty.
You're unhappy and he sounds unlikely to change so why don't you split up? You said you did once but found it hard managing so went back to your usual. Just something to consider but are you an anxious person, or maybe a bit younger than him. Does he view you more as a 'charge' than an equal, that he has to 'look after' you because you can't manage? If any of that rings true it could explain his behaviour. It might also mean youll be 'stuck' and unable to achieve your full potential. I think if your OH died you would cope. If this isn't the marriage you want(and are showcasing for your child) then separate. You have half a home, and a job and would be entitled to child maintenance which would allow you to take out a small mortgage. You could then live your life as you like

Absolutely not normal, very controlling behaviour. This is financial abuse.