To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

[Cloud991]

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

Putting an equal share into joint account to cover bills is normal. It's not his fault your income isn't a regular amount. If you cannot afford to go halves on something (a meal of something) you say before agreeing, 'I'm a bit strapped for cash this month and don't wish to spend my money this way"! If he wishes to pay for both of you that's his choice.

I suspect looking around the house at what you may have bought stems from you not paying in your share on time and him having to nag you for payment in the past. Spending on other stuff before bills wouldn't be acceptable in my eyes either. Do you have history of debt perhaps?

Solution is you pay your portion to joint acc on time every month and have a conversation about his behaviour but I think by doing the first the second will cease.

His behaviour is NOT ok and frankly, abusive

@jobling putting an equal share in to cover bills is not normal if she earns at most 40% of what he does. It should be proportionate obviously. They are not bloody flat mates! She's his wife, the mother of his child. And all the childcare and domestic stuff she does has no value, is that it?

If you are in a true partnership you share. Like it says in the marriage service 'All that I have I share with you'. And she has a chronic illness too, what about 'in sickness and in health'? Or just simple human kindness and love? Poor OP doesn't seem to be getting much of that from the father of her child.

Unfortunately there seem to be so many of these very selfish men around these days. They taken the bits of feminism that suit them (women can earn their own money) and ignore the rest. If you don't want to be part of a family, don't procreate and probably don't partner up. You'll be doing everyone a favour and your genes will die out.

This is more than abnormal it is wrong. It is one of the major ways a controlling and coercing person bullies their victim. My late husband did it. I was younger than he and he took my money and gave me no money at all. You mention that "I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things" so obviously there are other unreasonable things he does. Look up 'coercing and controlling behaviour' online and see what other things he does that are under this heading. I got stuck in my marriage and wasted my life. Please do not do this. He will get worse. Get out now. Go to a Solicitor and start divorce proceedings. I know this will shock you but really, this man is cruel.

Dear Cloud991,
I've put together some of the helpful information you gave:
"I just work part time because we also have a 2 year old and I have a chronic illness. Yes I do feel like a slave, I do everything in the house and garden, admin, dealing with problems etc
he shuts me out saying I'm always trying to pick a fight. I'm always the unreasonable one, nothing I ever do will be good enough in his eyes because I don't work full time.
Whenever I go into another room in the hosie he says 'bye' to me multiple times ."

Now,

1. Can you see he is not logical? That is my polite way of saying he is unreasonable.
2. How can anyone say you "don't work full time." when you have a 2 year old, and run a business and do everything in the house and garden, admin, dealing with problems etc????? On top of which you have a chronic illness. No wonder you are ill! Seriously, doing all that and being harassed and bullied too, anyone would be ill.
3. Number 3 does suggest he is not normal, surely! Unless it is some kind of pet-joke between the two of you... which you would have told us.

I was very blunt first time. I am so sorry you are going through this. These kinds of men actually choose their victims. They test us to see how easy it will be to bully us and make us feel everything is our fault. I'll never forget the first time I should have realised my then future husband was a deadly danger to me. I was 17, he was 30, we were 'playing leapfrog' he came thundering down the hill, put his hands on the side of my back and pushed my 8 stone body with all his 18 stone so that I flew off my feet and hit the ground hard hitting my head. Immediately he started screaming at me, berating me for 'deliberately falling over' and risking him getting hurt! I was devastated. I could not take it in.

You might think, your husband has never done anything like that. Believe me, he is like that. He sees the world only from his own perspective and you are his plaything in the way some people like being cruel to someone weaker, younger, smaller, kinder, easier to bully. He is using you for a free ride. Please leave him. If you have nowhere to go, get advice, see a Solicitor, get a divorce. I promise you he will only get worse.
I am so sorry. But as soon as you start to look after yourself you will feel better.
Sending you lots of love and prayers.

Dear Cloud991 You could, of course, charge for your two other jobs besides your part-time business.
Explain to him, you don't engage in full-time paid employment because you are doing two unpaid jobs, i.e. looking after your 2 year old and all the house keeping, cleaning, gardening etc. For you to work elsewhere full time it would require 2 or 3 other people to be paid to fill these roles you cover right now.
Meanwhile, you will deduct X per hour for XX hours of whatever a Nanny costs per week and XX per week for Housekeeping work plus gardening, cooking etc. I won't estimate here but other MN members will know the current rate for Nannies and Cleaners and Gardeners etc. I paid my Gardener £20 per hour 5 years ago. But remember you are not just a Cleaner, you cook, plan, organise, indeed run the house.
I'm guessing that the amount you are saving the family income by covering these vital roles yourself greatly exceeds any amount he asks from your income from your part-time business.
Please do this.
Value yourself.

I split up with him in the summer but ended up taking him back because I panicked and a number of things were really difficult for me to manage on my own.

@Cloud991 if you are still reading this. Can you tell us (even in a new thread) what you find difficult to manage on your own so you had to take an abuser back? I bet my last penny there will be others who experienced the same problems but have worked out an easy way to deal with it,

Let us help so you can leave 💕

Very hard not to simply say LTB.
You're not convincing us that you need this guy in your home, OP.

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep.

This bit is possibly normal. DH and I both contribute a set amount to our joint accounts for bills, food shop, shared expenses etc. However, we have both agreed on this set amount, and although DH did the sums and came up with the figures, I would never say he 'makes' me pay £x...

The rest of it gets less and less normal, and by the time you get to "when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything" it's completely bonkers and clear that he is financially controlling and abusive.

I second that advice 100% and said more or less the same thing to her myself! He is a lost cause and she needs to wake up and smell the roses before he moves on to the next level, because, as we can almost certainly predict, he probably will? I grew up in a violent household in the 50's and it still haunts me with pictures in my head that will never fade...if she can't do it for herself she needs to get away from him for her child.😥😱

Well of course you know this isn’t normal.
If you divorce you will be so much better off and he will also be forced to support you and your child financially with no say whatsoever as to how you spend your money. He doesn’t care or help you around the house or with childcare so what have you actually got to lose?
I don’t think there is any saving a relationship like this because he doesn’t care at all about your wellbeing.

You have a chronic illness and instead of supporting you he’s making you stressed? Kicking off about paying for a bus fare - really?? This is not a man with any shred of perspective or decency.
What would happen if you had to stop working entirely due to illness? Would the control get even worse and maybe even move in to something else?
It’s not just about money it’s about power and control and keeping you in your place, it’s abuse.
What a horrible situation for you - I feel for you and your life will be so much better on your own with your child. It’s got good for them to grow up in this nasty atmosphere with an oppressed mum.

Thanks for all your replies. He's very obsessed with money. I tried to talk to him today and he shuts me out saying I'm always trying to pick a fight. I'm always the unreasonable one, nothing I ever do will be good enough in his eyes

He is gas lighting you! And no, his behaviour is NOT normal; it is abusive.

100% agree with Rosejasmine.

I think 'hobby job' for work from home is in the class of saying 'blind' instead of visually impaired.

He's not going to change and if you stay, you will be miserable forever.

Thanks for everyone's replies. He did agree to reduce my contribution to the bills but it's hard for me not to feel as though he will hold this against me. I'm feeling very burnt out by everything I have to do and the mental load I feel I'm carrying

He will hold it against you, thats guaranteed.

Again, what overwhelmed you so much that you took this man back? Let us help you.

There are loads of comments here about why he treats you like this: I find that irrelevant - the way he treats you is abusive and that's it really all you need to accept: If he won't talk about this issue politelly then things aren't likely to improve: Thieway of thinking is what our Grandmas had to putup with but not these days:

@Cloud991 I have severe mental health problems (bipolar etc) and admittedly don't happen to have had children but I live alone and manage my life fine. I mightn't have the greatest of housework standards but everything else is ok.

If I need help I contact MH services. They tweak my meds a bit and all is fine.

You can do it xx

This.

Stumbled across this thread and unfortunately I think I’m in a similar situation but I feel so confused that I don’t know what’s acceptable and it just makes me feel so stupid.

DP and I have our salaries paid into out joint account and then we draw out a monthly allowance to spend on whatever. I don’t mind this tbh as it means all bills are paid and we have a decent amount to go into savings.

What I do have an issue with is that any purchase from our joint account, for example buying some trainers for our DD, he said we should discuss first. I’m talking less than £12 for some decent trainers that apparently should be discussed before purchasing. Totally agree that big purchases should be discussed but I feel like I need permission to buy clothes for our children.

Would appreciate some insight from others as I’m so lost and don’t have anyone to talk to IRL. And sorry OP for high jacking your thread.

So you need to discuss money you actually earn?

This is financially controlling.

This is not healthy nor normal.

You need to talk to Women's aid.

You earn a salary why are you discussing how you spend it?

Start having your salary paid into your own account.

You have very poor boundaries and self respect if you think it is normal for a partner to tell you what you can spend money you earned on, right down to tiny amounts.

No doubt he is controlling in other ways.

Does he get your permission for every small amount?

You have brought a child into a very controlling unhealthy environment.

Take it very seriously.
It will only get worse.

Do not have another child with him.

Call Womens aid.

You deserve better.

OP, he is abusive and that will never change.

Get out while you can and are childless.

He is a nasty controlling mean man.

This is your future.

Thanks @billy1966 really appreciate your candid response, I really needed to hear that.

@RK800 sorry you are also going through something similar. Is you DH controlling in other ways?