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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

304 replies

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 04/05/2023 11:32

@rowanoak
Marriage does not impose a requirement that you merge finances. Generally, it means that you reach a mutually agreed upon way to handle your finances. Separating finances does not speak to a lack of trust but instead to a preference in terms of financial management.

On MN, many people seem to speak as though there is some ordained or mandated way to handle finances in a marriage, and that is just not so. There are many and varied way to handle finances and each couple should decide what works best for them.

It may be less than reasonable for an adult who has not prepared themselves to provide a certain lifestyle for themselves to be upset with a spouse or partner for not supporting them in a manner for which they did not prepare themselves but now feel entitled to live.

The term financial abuse is bandied about on MN often to describe situations where there are disagreements about finances and how they should be handled, and sometimes when one partner is bringing minimum resources to the table but expects maximum benefits. That only works if both parties are in agreement. The failure to agree is not financial abuse.

AskMeMore · 04/05/2023 12:09

@Mari9999 It is financial abuse. In such marriages each person pays an equal amount to the general costs or a proportion. But the fact that the woman does unpaid work is never taken into account. Maternity leave, childcare, taking time off because a child is sick, taking flexible working to do school pick ups, and doing housework and cooking is never taken into account. The man usually earns more because the woman does all of this unpaid.
You want separate finances and each to contribute fairly? Then the man should pay what you would pay a surrogate to carry and give birth to a child - £100k plus where it is legal to pay a surrogate. Childcare costs - half of what a nanny would cost. Half of what a cleaner and cook would cost. But these men never do this. They only want "equality" that benefits them. And they usually insist anything but essentials for any children are not necessary so the woman ends up paying for those too.

Meandspottydogs · 04/05/2023 17:50

To me it sounds like a lack of trust on his side. You need a Frank discussion about how this works, as it needs to work for both of you, not just him. I hope you manage to get through on that one

petelacey · 04/05/2023 17:58

Absolutely normal. You two owe the total bills between you. Both work, put both salaries into a joint account and pay ALL bills from that joint account.
You only get a free ride if you do not work and he's happy with that arrangement.

FiddleLeaf · 04/05/2023 18:06

petelacey · 04/05/2023 17:58

Absolutely normal. You two owe the total bills between you. Both work, put both salaries into a joint account and pay ALL bills from that joint account.
You only get a free ride if you do not work and he's happy with that arrangement.

They are married not housemates.

AskMeMore · 04/05/2023 18:06

@petelacey But the OP is providing childcare for free that her partner is not paying for.

lookingforchangenowww · 04/05/2023 18:09

Hi Op, I’m sorry to hear that he is controlling you. I have friends that also face the same financial situation, so I suppose that there are many like this our there. I find it very strange because it seems like he doesn’t trust you and is not putting 100% in the relationship and acting like the bread winner when you have a little one as well. I am pretty sure that like you said, you are the one who takes care of the child, and do all the rest on your own and still have to equally share the bills with your salary.

my partner tried to impose the same once when we had a very bad argument, sharing the bills, talking my access to his money etc. as this was what he wanted I put in an excel spreadsheet the cost of my services - babysitter for my own child including because I couldn’t work whilst looking after him , full charges- travel, cleaning services, cooking etc and discounted form my part of the bill, and presented this to him. Guess what ?
he changed his mind.
so, one way of getting this shitty situation right and earning a bit more for your hard work is doing the same.
Good luck !

Kaiserchief · 04/05/2023 18:10

Sounds weird to me. Can you have a joint account? I’m married and what’s mine is yours, what’s yours is mine. We pool our money. This isn’t a flatshare.

montanamal · 04/05/2023 18:21

Run !

montanamal · 04/05/2023 18:23

Run !

Original poster
Cloud991 · 04/05/2023 18:26

Thanks for all your replies. He's very obsessed with money. I tried to talk to him today and he shuts me out saying I'm always trying to pick a fight. I'm always the unreasonable one, nothing I ever do will be good enough in his eyes because I don't work full time.

OP posts:
PennineWay · 04/05/2023 18:28

"Every month my dh makes me..."

If you are starting sentences like that then there's something wrong. Your husband shouldn't MAKE you do anything. It should be a partnership.

This is not normal and it's controlling.

Failingatl1fe · 04/05/2023 18:32

Nothing you will ever do will be good enough in his eyes because you don’t work full time…..wow, please please get out! You do not deserve to be treated like this, this is not an equal partnership, it’s controlling and abusive

MrsCooper84 · 04/05/2023 18:36

May I suggest you save up what you have left over and get the hell out of there xx

mach2 · 04/05/2023 18:38

I believe that couples should split the bills proportionally i.e. if one earns 60% of the household income and the other 40% then the bills should be split by the same proportion. If your earnings are not regular, you can't come up with money you don't have. The dh sounds more like a creditor than a partner.

The hunting for stuff you've bought is out of order.

Pinkfluff76 · 04/05/2023 18:47

No absolutely not normal. Your husband sounds like a mean controlling person. Sorry

Ladysmirnoff1 · 04/05/2023 18:48

Big Red Flag - leave him he's a control freak. You can spend your money on whatever you want to buy.

momtoboys · 04/05/2023 18:50

Who died and made him king? That is not normal.

momtoboys · 04/05/2023 18:52

OK, I want to clarify. I don't think it is abnormal to pay into one account and pay the shared bills. What I think would be unbearable is having the harrasing about exchanging of the funds.

Truestorypeeps · 04/05/2023 19:01

He sounds like a mean, stingy, tight arse. This coming from another man. My wife is a SAHM so I don't ask ANYTHING of her in terms of a contribution. One day when she does go back, it'll be great to have a bit of help with the bills but I wouldn't be charging her half if she's earning half what I do! Why would I want her to stress and struggle while I have savings growing in the bank or loads more free money to spend myself? If he refuses to let you talk about it, I'd write it down somewhere for him to find... Dear XYZ .... Be difficult to not read and ignore it, no?

MustWeDoThis · 04/05/2023 19:02

It's financial abuse and it's illegal. Financial Abuse was made illegal when a Bill passed to make it so. You have every right to report him to the police and leave.

Daisylookslost · 04/05/2023 19:03

I’m so sorry for you this is awful. Your amazing looking after your child and coping with your condition plus working and trying to meet his unreasonable and controlling demands.
I would not put up with this for a minute my OH pays for the lions share and I do childcare, housework, buy most food. I think this a fair set up.
How cruel and bloody pedantic to nastily get at you about paying your half when you do so much as you’ve described, perhaps you should start billing him for his half of this?
If you can feasibly get him out of your life this would be the path I would be looking to follow if I were you.
To echo a previous poster, RUN

JennyJenny8675309 · 04/05/2023 19:06

This made me feel very sad to read. I was in a marriage that had many stressful issues but my ex was never a selfish prick. I feel that his actions are indicative of his feelings of superiority along with his being a miserable, cheap F-er. I couldn’t live like that. I’m sorry—hope you’ll realise he needs to be binned.

Truestorypeeps · 04/05/2023 19:08

Daisylookslost · 04/05/2023 19:03

I’m so sorry for you this is awful. Your amazing looking after your child and coping with your condition plus working and trying to meet his unreasonable and controlling demands.
I would not put up with this for a minute my OH pays for the lions share and I do childcare, housework, buy most food. I think this a fair set up.
How cruel and bloody pedantic to nastily get at you about paying your half when you do so much as you’ve described, perhaps you should start billing him for his half of this?
If you can feasibly get him out of your life this would be the path I would be looking to follow if I were you.
To echo a previous poster, RUN

YES! Bill him for the hours of child care you do and the housework... Fair is fair

Original poster
Cloud991 · 04/05/2023 19:10

@Truestorypeeps thank you, it's good to have a man's perspective. I dream of having someone who would treat me like this. I've tried writing things down before but it never helps

OP posts: