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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

304 replies

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

OP posts:
MissAmbrosia · 03/05/2023 22:02

No, it's not OK and there are sadly so many posts like this.

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 22:04

Facetyme · 03/05/2023 21:57

Slaves don’t have minimal freedoms, they have no freedoms

please don’t compare this to slavery, it’s not only incredibly ignorant, but it’s incredibly offensive

Show quote history

That’s not actually correct though is it? For example, some sex slaves (children and adults who have been sex trafficked) go home every night and to school sometimes. Their parents or family don’t know they’ve been groomed and are entrenched in a second life where threats are made to make them keep coming back.

I support O.U.R and so understand exactly what slavery & trafficking is and wasn’t being in the slightest bit ignorant.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 03/05/2023 22:04

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Teenagehorrorbag · 03/05/2023 22:07

Couples have different approaches to finances. Some pool everything, some have their own finances and pay agreed amounts in to a joint fund for bills. Either is fine - but shouldn't involve controlling behaviour or one-sided 'rules'.

DH and I have an agreed amount we pay into the bills account, and his is more than mine as he earns more and I work fewer hours as I also look after the DCs and do all the house stuff. Whatever is left is ours to spend as we choose. If we agree on a big purchase we put more towards it.

But if my income was variable, or I needed some for a personal expenditure, we would discuss it and agree a different figure. If I couldn't afford a set amount he would never behave like your DH. I'm sorry but he is being unreasonable and controlling, at the very least.

SmileyClare · 03/05/2023 22:08

Oh for goodness sake, getting offended on behalf of slaves on a thread written by an abused wife asking for help? <eye roll>

Manipulating or coercing a person into working for you in the home for no return is being treated “like a slave”. I.e an unpaid worker who is in fear of their captor.

Its pretty offensive to minimise how op’s being treated by making reference to worse examples of slavery. What’s the point in doing that?

Shes being treated like a slave in her own home by an abuser. That’s quite clear.

aloris · 03/05/2023 22:09

What is your childcare situation with the two year old? If you care for your child during the workday then that should be counted as a financial contribution to the family as that prevents you from working a full time schedule and also saves your husband money he would otherwise have to pay for childcare. You should count your financial contribution to childcare using the cost of a nanny rather than using the cost of daycare for comparison, as the care you provide is more like that of a nanny than that of a daycare.

Facetyme · 03/05/2023 22:10

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You’re disgraceful to compare this to slavery.

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 22:11

Facetyme · 03/05/2023 22:10

You’re disgraceful to compare this to slavery.

Show quote history

Instead of focussing on who’s saying what, why don’t you post something helpful to the OP - something that can be supportive of her situation.

Divorcedalongtime · 03/05/2023 22:15

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:09

Yes he earns more than me, my work isn't a hobby job, I just work part time because we also have a 2 year old and I have a chronic illness. I don't have a problem contributing to the bills, it's the constant hounding and having no understanding of the insecurity of being self employed can be sometimes. Is it also normal to demand half towards every thing we buy? Also I accidentally used our joint account to pay for bus fare (picked up wrong card by mistake) and he demanded I pay that back...

My sister lived in a relationship like this, very very controlling. Financial ck girl is co suffered domestic abuse did you know?!

DeadButDelicious · 03/05/2023 22:17

It's really not normal. Especially if your incomes aren't similar and you're doing most if not all of the childcare, housework etc. I'd find it really offensive if my husband was on at me to pay back bus fare and looking for new items after I'd been looking after his kid and cleaning his mess.

Each individual couple has a different way of doing things, what works for one might not work for another but what you describe is financial abuse OP. Controlling what you spend, looking for new items, keeping you at a disadvantage and hounding for money it's really not ok.

SmileyClare · 03/05/2023 22:19

Facetyme · 03/05/2023 22:10

You’re disgraceful to compare this to slavery.

Show quote history

You’re bizarrely hung up on the definition of slavery. Confused

“Female domestic slavery” is defined as being coerced to work with no renumeration or appreciation. It’s a common term.

Lets not derail the thread because of your feelings! You’ve started an unnecessary debate over a similie 😂

Sandrine1982 · 03/05/2023 22:19

I do the accounts and ask DH to pay his share every month as the mortgage and bills are paid from my account. He needs to do it pretty quickly as they are quite big payments, so if he doesn't, I remind him ... once ... twice. I hate to be a nag but I like to keep an eye on the finances. Also, my salary is lower than his so we agreed that our shares towards the mortgage and childcare will be proportional to our salaries, and everything else is half and half.

I do complain about his purchases at times because I get very nervous. Next year we are remortgaging and with the current rates, we should be saving and not spending willy nilly.

So yes... maybe I'm similar to your husband in that respect... but after reading your post, I'm going to be a bit more careful to not become so controlling xx

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 22:20

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 21:58

As far I know, using the word slavery hasn’t been banned….yet.
I wasn’t referring to any actual slave or past slave.

Rather than focussing on my use of the word slavery, maybe focus on the OP.
Unless you know the OP personally, her actual detailed situation is unknown to us.

Show quote history

I did focus on the OP and gave advice, but your comparison to slavery was offensive and ignorant. It’s disgusting how you cannot see that. The OP has more money, more freedoms and more rights than the Mistresses of actual slaves in recent history.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/05/2023 22:24

Not normal.

We have separate finances and pay our share from our accounts into the joint account which covers mortgage, nursery fees, council tax etc and whatever is left over in our personal accounts is ours, the other doesn't get any say at all because the money doesn't belong to them.

We never comment negatively on what we buy with that money and we definitely wouldn't go searching around the house either. Bonkers.

crimsonpeak · 03/05/2023 22:25

Not normal at all. My DH is the top
earner in our house. I pay as much as I can afford into our joint account every month and as he earns more, he pays more in. I have some money left over which I spend on myself and bits for the kids. I also have my DHs credit card which I use for food shopping and every day things the kids need. He refers to his money as our money. He works hard and is a generous man. The way I see it is on my non-working days I’m providing childcare for our DD and doing most of the school runs for our DS. I also do all of the family admin and make dinner every night. What I can’t contribute financially I make up for in other ways. Your DH needs to change.

MysteryBelle · 03/05/2023 22:26

My husband has handed me his check, or direct deposited it in our joint account, every payday for 26 years since the day we got married.

We've never had even one problem regarding, or argument about, finances in all that time.

There is something very, very wrong with your husband. Nothing wrong with separate accounts and one for bills, but a sane partner does not act like your husband is acting.

Why do you put up with that?

SmileyClare · 03/05/2023 22:27

Your comparison to slavery is offensive and ignorant
If someone says they’re being “treated like a king” it’s not taken in a literal sense.

Seriously a simile is a nuance of language.
You’re offended because there are worse examples of slavery which is frankly ridiculous.

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 22:29

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 22:04

That’s not actually correct though is it? For example, some sex slaves (children and adults who have been sex trafficked) go home every night and to school sometimes. Their parents or family don’t know they’ve been groomed and are entrenched in a second life where threats are made to make them keep coming back.

I support O.U.R and so understand exactly what slavery & trafficking is and wasn’t being in the slightest bit ignorant.

Show quote history

Those aren’t “sex slaves”. They’re Child/Adult Sexual Exploitation victims. When a person is trafficked for sex or labour, they are trafficked from their home often to another country and kept imprisoned with no freedoms, and no rights and often are barred from medical care and murdered when they outlive their usefulness- these are modern slaves.

randomfemthinker · 03/05/2023 22:29

I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this. I'm not married but often feel like marriage ends up forcing people to be kids really overall over life over it yet marriage is still deemed something to aspire to. I don't understand it. This post reaks of lack of chivalry and respect as well from it. Would you feel better off without it or does he have super qualities that keep you going over it?

FrostyFifi · 03/05/2023 22:29

but you should be paying your half of the bills each month

It's a marriage, there should be no "your half".
The vows state all that I have I share with you.

chezpopbang · 03/05/2023 22:31

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:17

Yes I do feel like a slave, I do everything in the house and garden, admin, dealing with problems etc

He doesn't value your contributions towards running the house and chidcare. If t was me I'd start charging him for the hours I do in the house and childcare. If he wants half of everything he needs to pay his way for looking after the rest.

ItsJustNotHappening · 03/05/2023 22:32

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SouthLondonMum22 · 03/05/2023 22:36

FrostyFifi · 03/05/2023 22:29

but you should be paying your half of the bills each month

It's a marriage, there should be no "your half".
The vows state all that I have I share with you.

Marriages can be different. Clearly, this case is abusive but separate finances can and do work for many marriages.

I'm more than happy to pay my share of the mortgage, nursery fees and other bills but whatever is left is mine.

I wouldn't be with someone who expected to share all finances. Having my own money and some financial independence is important to me

uncomfortablydumb53 · 03/05/2023 22:37

I'm sorry for your situation which is not normal whatsoever
Your H is using finances as a stick to beat you with He's a controlling bully.
Do you have Friends and Family to support you?
This man is not on your side

DeadbeatYoda · 03/05/2023 22:39

Why would you marry a man like that? Let alone have a child with him?