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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

304 replies

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

OP posts:
RubiesAndRaindrops · 03/05/2023 21:21

Not normal no. DH earns much more than me, both our wages are paid directly into the joint account out of which all bills are paid. At the end of the month an equal amount of anything leftover is transferred to each personal account, unless we are saving for something. Given the disparity of your income & especially that you have a child together if you have to divvy it up I don't think that you should be paying half, at most it should be a proportionate percentage of your income, you're meant to be a team and a family unit, absent financial problems there is no mine and yours it should be "ours"!

Chiccaletta · 03/05/2023 21:23

Not normal.
Sounds like he hasnt outgrown his childish teenager-relationship attitude towards money

Booklover40 · 03/05/2023 21:23

Bloody hell.

Your dh is a selfish, controlling, nasty, abusive cockwomble OP.

No....this really isnt normal.

FWIW - I don't earn anything, I'm a sahm and dh shares everything he earns with me. Not even equally - he rarely buys himself anything and lets me buy whatever I fancy, within reason, bc I like nice clothes etc. Because he's a good man who wants his partner and mother of his children to be happy.

I can't believe he made you stump up for your fucking bus fare. What a twat.

Jux · 03/05/2023 21:24

Ring Women's Aid and have a chat. Think hard about what they say. Good luck.

fantasyhomesbythesea · 03/05/2023 21:24

Your feeling is correct OP.

This is not normal, its bloody awful behavior, controlling and financially abusive.

No wonder you are stressed and struggling Flowers

MsRosley · 03/05/2023 21:25

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:17

Yes I do feel like a slave, I do everything in the house and garden, admin, dealing with problems etc

OP, I think you're beginning to realise your DH is a nasty, abusive bully. This is not normal and not okay.

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 21:28

Can we not compare this to slavery? It minimises slavery and is disrespectful to slaves past and present.

SchoolShenanigans · 03/05/2023 21:28

He's controlling and petty. I couldn't live with the anxiety this must give you.

IcedBananas · 03/05/2023 21:29

Just read your updates. Unfortunately the relationship sounds very unhealthy.

example of a healthy relationship for comparison - the person who is looking after the child more will naturally have less money therefore would contribute less to bills etc . financial decisions are still made together equally and each adult is valued for the work they do regardless of the money they bring in (looking after the child is hugely valuable even though not paid!). You agree shared financial goals and both contribute as you can to them (not necessarily equally but in a way you both feel is fair). Big purchases (£100+) would be discussed and agreed but some personal spend is expected without agreement (and definitely not policed by searching the house!).

please contact Womens aid for advice

SmileyClare · 03/05/2023 21:30

Regardless of what goes on in other marriages, you are very unhappy.

He makes you feel stressed and ill and I’m not surprised.

He’s abusive, controlling and is essentially accusing you of lying about your expenditure on a daily basis.

Hes using your finances as a stick to beat you with. That’s abusive, regardless of your financial arrangements.

Codlingmoths · 03/05/2023 21:31

I’m sorry op, it must be hard realising you’re in an abusive relationship. None of this is ok.
can you stop it? Say you earn much more than me because I look after our daughter and do everything around the house, but you expect me to both do everything at home and contribute financially as if I did barely anything at home like you do. You are the one who needs to start contributing, I won’t be paying half for anything from now on. Can you look after dd and cook dinner please, I’m going for a walk.

sandyhappypeople · 03/05/2023 21:31

Has he always been this way, or has it got worse over time? Could he have a debt problem he's hiding? This definitely isn't normal behaviour OP, he sounds awful.

Blueink · 03/05/2023 21:34

No of course not normal, it’s controlling and abusive behaviour.

You also shouldn’t be contributing half when you don’t earn the same wage.

Can you get some professional support and advice?

porridgeisbae · 03/05/2023 21:35

You pay your bit toward the bills and the rest of your money is for you.

It's not his business what you spend your money on.

greenspaces4peace · 03/05/2023 21:37

@Cloud991 what @IcedBananas says is spot on.
your in a controlling and financially abusive relationship.
he is being a mean bully with money.
btw do you know much about his income/savings/spending?

hoven · 03/05/2023 21:37

Are you happy this way? If so stay, if not think of your options

Tilllly · 03/05/2023 21:38

We get paid into our own accounts, and then transfer most of it into the joint account, keeping some back for ourselves for spending money

If I run out of spending money, then I will get it from the joint account

I don't think my DH has once asked me what I have spent anything on.

I think that's about as far away from your situation as you can get
It sounds horrible

BlueRedCat · 03/05/2023 21:39

Nope not normal. All money in marriage is shared. You are a team. That isn’t to say you should be scrutinising spending habits. You don’t even need a joint account, although it helps for joint spending. You just need full visibility of all your assets and you set parameters of spending. No one should be paying each other back in a marriage. Utterly daft.

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 21:43

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 21:28

Can we not compare this to slavery? It minimises slavery and is disrespectful to slaves past and present.

It was a turn of phrase and my post said ‘like a slave’. The Op said she ‘feels like a slave’. That’s our opinion and wasn’t being disrespectful at all.

And someone who is being made to pay her husband whilst she does everything and he does nothing, I’d say that’s not unlike living like a slave. Modern day slavery can be a number of things. Modern day traffickers for example can be so clever in their grooming, that the victim doesn’t even know they’re being trafficked.

Now I’m not implying the OP is being trafficked but I’m saying that him being nasty about her paying him, him checking the entire house to see she hasn’t bought anything etc….that’s keeping her living and owing to him in a way that’s abusive. It certainly doesn’t sound as though she has complete free will in their marriage….hence why I mentioned ‘like a slave’.

Cakeorchocolate · 03/05/2023 21:43

I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 03/05/2023 21:44

Omg I thought mine was the only idiot who acted like this!! I’m sure it’s not normal at all

Bogeyes · 03/05/2023 21:45

Not normal. It's abuse.

LeefPeeper · 03/05/2023 21:45

Not normal at all. For years I earned less than my husband, we each put in a set amount to the joint account split according to earnings. The rest of the money was ours to do as we wish. I used to spend most of mine, he saved most of his. He never made any comments about my buying stuff, apart from a jokey eye roll “not more trainers/clothes/wool/books”. Now I earn more than him, so he puts less in the joint account than I do.

Dracuuule · 03/05/2023 21:45

I mean if you're going to go down this route then your dh should pay you half for everything you do with your dc.
If the bus journey was for chores or taking your dc out, then you could demand he pays for half of it. Bill him for some of your phone bill because you're probably using it to deal with family stuff.

But of course, this is ridiculous. You're meant to be a family. A team. Money matters don't have to be this rigid.

proventocleanbetter · 03/05/2023 21:45

OP, this is not normal. It is abusive.