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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

304 replies

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 03/05/2023 22:40

He sounds horrible. Please please do not let him do this to you.

Hibye23289 · 03/05/2023 22:41

No that doesn't sound ok but I was with someone financially reckless so it made me question everything he spent he was also self employed and it is a shitty life to live when money is up and down

FrostyFifi · 03/05/2023 22:41

@SouthLondonMum22 I don't disagree, or think that's necessarily incompatible. DH and I have also always run separate bank accounts and I like the feeling of having my own money too.

But we would absolutely never keep a tally of spending, or expect to be paid back for something if one of us happened to buy something. When I was ill and couldn't work he gladly supported me. Our financial goals are a shared vision. For us that's not incompatible with having separate bank accounts or whatever, if that makes sense. Ultimately that's just day to day details, it all really belongs to both of us and our marriage.

Toomanylatenightprogs · 03/05/2023 22:43

His attitude is way, way off normal.

Merangutan · 03/05/2023 22:50

No - it’s hugely controlling. Really awful behaviour from him.

pleasehelpwi3 · 03/05/2023 22:50

Very unpleasant behaviour. Unlikely to get better.

Butterfly44 · 03/05/2023 22:51

No. How long have you been married?
I couldn't survive very long with that. Definitely off putting!

Summerfun54321 · 03/05/2023 22:51

So you do everything around the house but he can't spare you the bus fair from your joint account. He can't even spare you HALF a bus fair... that would be the end for me. Life is way too short to be made to feel like someone else's slave.

Fansandblankets · 03/05/2023 22:54

No not normal. Everyone has different set ups but that’s still not normal.

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 22:56

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 22:29

Those aren’t “sex slaves”. They’re Child/Adult Sexual Exploitation victims. When a person is trafficked for sex or labour, they are trafficked from their home often to another country and kept imprisoned with no freedoms, and no rights and often are barred from medical care and murdered when they outlive their usefulness- these are modern slaves.

Show quote history

That is factually incorrect…..

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?
Canthave2manycats · 03/05/2023 23:00

You poor pet. He's abusive and controlling, sorry. You need to consider your future. This isn't going to get any better x

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/05/2023 23:00

FrostyFifi · 03/05/2023 22:41

@SouthLondonMum22 I don't disagree, or think that's necessarily incompatible. DH and I have also always run separate bank accounts and I like the feeling of having my own money too.

But we would absolutely never keep a tally of spending, or expect to be paid back for something if one of us happened to buy something. When I was ill and couldn't work he gladly supported me. Our financial goals are a shared vision. For us that's not incompatible with having separate bank accounts or whatever, if that makes sense. Ultimately that's just day to day details, it all really belongs to both of us and our marriage.

I agree with most of that. We definitely wouldn't expect money back for something like bus fair and we don't keep a tally on what each other spends with their own money, I wouldn't even be able to tell you how much he has in his personal account and he's the same with mine.

Whatever is left over doesn't belong to both of us though, it's his and mine.

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 23:05

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 22:56

That is factually incorrect…..

Show quote history

FFS your own screen shot shows you are wrong. The OP is free to leave and make a complaint. Therefore it is not trafficking but exploitation. As are most of the so called “sex slaves” you mentioned. Look up the grooming gangs, what were they convicted of? Not slavery but CSE - child sexual exploitation.

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?
Indoorcatmum · 03/05/2023 23:08

Not even remotely normal!!!

Nitpicking over things being exactly 50% and control over purchases is absolutely not common (at least amongst myself and my circle).

I honestly couldn't live like that

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 23:09

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 23:05

FFS your own screen shot shows you are wrong. The OP is free to leave and make a complaint. Therefore it is not trafficking but exploitation. As are most of the so called “sex slaves” you mentioned. Look up the grooming gangs, what were they convicted of? Not slavery but CSE - child sexual exploitation.

Show quote history

I never said the OP was being trafficked! You mentioned trafficking and said it meant you had to be moved - usually out of your own country.

The screen shot was referring ONLY to the outlined part in red - not all the happy clappy arrows you drew all over it!

Just give up posting to me - you’re just derailing the thread.

billy1966 · 03/05/2023 23:12

Not normal.

Highly abusive.

Please call Womens aid and ask for a refuge to leave this awful bullying zbusive pig.

I think you should consider repirting him to the police.

This is a bad man.

Do not staý in this situation.

Reach out to family and friends for support if you can.

whynotwhatknot · 03/05/2023 23:13

No its not normal-was he always like this

what business is it of his what you spend your own money on

Pixiedust1234 · 03/05/2023 23:14

You are being taken advantage of by someone who is supposed to love you and that is not right. Please bear in mind that some chronic illnesses can be made worse by stress, and he is creating a very stressful environment for you by making you doubt yourself, walking on eggshells and not in control of anything.

Leaving him will definitely be stressful but staying will be more. The stress will be high, be constant and be there for years. Compare that to fluctuating* *highs/lows and maybe only months. Get out.

CabernetSauvignon · 03/05/2023 23:23

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:09

Yes he earns more than me, my work isn't a hobby job, I just work part time because we also have a 2 year old and I have a chronic illness. I don't have a problem contributing to the bills, it's the constant hounding and having no understanding of the insecurity of being self employed can be sometimes. Is it also normal to demand half towards every thing we buy? Also I accidentally used our joint account to pay for bus fare (picked up wrong card by mistake) and he demanded I pay that back...

No, you shouldn't be paying half towards everything you buy. You should be contributing a proportion according to what you earn. If, for instance, he earns £30K a year and you earn £15K, then he should pay two thirds of the cost of things and you should pay one third. Contributions to the joint account should be worked out the same way. In particular, you need to take into account that you make a major contribution in terms of looking after your son; and something tells me that you do way more housework than your husband does, and you should be given full credit for the value of that.

As for paying back a bus fare, words fail me.

CabernetSauvignon · 03/05/2023 23:26

Your husband should also take into account that if you are ill then you can't earn at all and shouldn't be paying out at all if that is the case. He may not like it, but that is the sort of obligation you take on when you get married, and really if he has a shred of decency he should not need to be reminded of it.

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 03/05/2023 23:34

Weird, controlling, just not normal. He sounds horrible, he must have some amazing good points to outweigh his shit behaviour towards you, otherwise why are you with this man?

joycies · 03/05/2023 23:41

This is 100% nor normal. If someone is controlling the way your money is spent then you’re being abused if you’re give no allowance and not allowed to access your own money then you’re being abused. If they make banking decisions if you’re married to them and they make banking decisions without even talking to you then you’re being abused. It sounds as though he is expecting you to share bills 50/50% which isn't fair since you have differing salaries from month to month. What he is doing is pretty much what happened right up to the 60s. Women gave their pay packet to their Fathers and then to their husbands and if they were lucky they got their 'house-keeping money' and they scrumped off that top buy a bar of chocolate !

Gillbil · 03/05/2023 23:41

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:09

Yes he earns more than me, my work isn't a hobby job, I just work part time because we also have a 2 year old and I have a chronic illness. I don't have a problem contributing to the bills, it's the constant hounding and having no understanding of the insecurity of being self employed can be sometimes. Is it also normal to demand half towards every thing we buy? Also I accidentally used our joint account to pay for bus fare (picked up wrong card by mistake) and he demanded I pay that back...

OK, And how much is he paying for half your careering costs?
Childcare costs money, but, what- as long as you do it, it's free?! but the mortgage that still needs to get paid.
He's taking your resources.

This is a massive red flag, your chronic illness is not his to manipulate.
This is a dangerous situation, you need to leave.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 04/05/2023 00:01

Simonjt · 03/05/2023 20:49

The looking for things is odd, but you should be paying your half of the bills each month, would it be easier to set up a standing order?

Insisting on half irrespective of how much your spouse earns is just rubbish. It’s the same as people who post about how their partner still insist they pay their half while on maternity leave with lower income.

Majority of the marriages today as just F-Buddies living together and procreating that’s it, not true marriages or partnerships.

Seriously they buy anything extra and he is immediately hounding her for half?

Brisland · 04/05/2023 00:55

How much does your H earn? Unless it is the same as you do, you should be paying proportionately, not a set 50% of all things.

Do you have to cover all costs for DC? Does he do anything around the house, with DC, or is all of that your responsibility, too?

Think about the fact that you are already doing mostly everything, and think about the financial, physical, mental and emotional freedom you would have if you didn’t have to live with, answer to, worry about your H and this money situation.

I couldn’t live like this, and would not bring a child up in such a tense, oppressive atmosphere as this appears. You and your DC deserve better.

Good luck OP, find out what CM would be, what other supports you can access and break out to live properly and happily.