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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

304 replies

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

OP posts:
tara66 · 03/05/2023 21:46

How ever did you come to marry this man and why? He is outrageously obsessed by ''his'' money and ''your'' paying for as much as possible for everything down to last penny. How can you live with him? Was it a forced marriage of some kind? What will your child ever be allowed to have/get/be given? You married him but your child never had any choice in their situation.

Jamaisy82 · 03/05/2023 21:46

I agree that everyone should pay their way but to feel demanded or stressed about it and unable to buy new things with your own money is not on. Its control and I wouldn't stand for it.

ChewtonRoad · 03/05/2023 21:48

"Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep."

Makes me pay and whatever's left I can keep Not only is this not OK in a marriage, it wouldn't be OK in any other relationship.

Your husband is a controlling git. You and your child deserve better, and Women's Aid should be able to help with advice on the next steps to take to rid yourself of this unpleasant person.

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 21:48

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 21:43

It was a turn of phrase and my post said ‘like a slave’. The Op said she ‘feels like a slave’. That’s our opinion and wasn’t being disrespectful at all.

And someone who is being made to pay her husband whilst she does everything and he does nothing, I’d say that’s not unlike living like a slave. Modern day slavery can be a number of things. Modern day traffickers for example can be so clever in their grooming, that the victim doesn’t even know they’re being trafficked.

Now I’m not implying the OP is being trafficked but I’m saying that him being nasty about her paying him, him checking the entire house to see she hasn’t bought anything etc….that’s keeping her living and owing to him in a way that’s abusive. It certainly doesn’t sound as though she has complete free will in their marriage….hence why I mentioned ‘like a slave’.

Show quote history

saying “like a slave” is comparing the OP to a slave and her situation to slavery.
The ops situation is nothing like slavery and it is, in my opinion, offensive to make such a comparison.

Yes she is in an abusive relationship but that doesn’t justify the hyperbole or your doubling down on it.

SmileyClare · 03/05/2023 21:49

Demanding you “pay him back” for a bus fare?
Refusing to lift a finger at home?

Urgh he’s a selfish bully.

How are you not repulsed by him? He must have done a real number on you for you to question whether this ok.

This is so sad to read. 😢

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 03/05/2023 21:50

So you do ALL the unpaid work and get no credit for it. He is a creep, start figuring out how to leave him (and be careful guys like that are nasty about everything).

Novatherova · 03/05/2023 21:50

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

No it defo isn't OK. My ex was like that. He lasted a year. He wouldn't let buy a chocolate bar in the que of a supermarket because I hadn't said I wanted it before we went in.

First thing I did when I finished with him was go on a shopping trip. Massive one.

Get rid and restart your life.

Facetyme · 03/05/2023 21:50

Greentree1 · 03/05/2023 20:57

You need to make it a percentage of what you earn, so if you earn less you pay less into the joint account.

The op doesn’t need to do this at all, it’s weird you think all couples should financially operate the way you do/think

Iguanainanigloo · 03/05/2023 21:51

No this isn't normal. DH earns substantially more than me, as I work less to look after our young kids. He pays all the mortgage plus all the bills. I pay for majority of food shops and kids clubs etc, but he still puts extra money into my account each month (half of what he has left over, minus whatever he puts into our savings/holiday accounts) as he knows I don't earn very much, and as a family all our money is for all of us. He is extremely generous though, and if it was the other way round, he knows I'd do the same for him. The fact he looks around the house for stuff you've bought is really really wrong. That's financial abuse op

Sahlife · 03/05/2023 21:52

This isn't normal OP and no way to live. Can you afford to leave?

Isthisasgoodasitis · 03/05/2023 21:53

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 21:28

Can we not compare this to slavery? It minimises slavery and is disrespectful to slaves past and present.

It absolutely is slavery!!! Her rights freedoms and worths are being minimised!!! It’s the epitome of slavery the only disrespect is yours for her rights

AfraidToRun · 03/05/2023 21:53

A lot of people see money as equivalent to status, they want more and don't want to give. I often find these people really want to be seen to be perfect etc.

If hes arguing with you over a bus ticket then that is really controlling. Its ok to remind someone if you have agreed to split costs or have another way of dividing resources but not ok to constantly berate them. If I were in your position, I would recommend all money is shared. You wouldn't have any more or less money as a couple but it would stop this constant monitoring. I doubt very much he would agree to this because his bank balance is his status.

Nobsandnockers · 03/05/2023 21:55

Wonder what went on in his home when he was growing up that makes him think it’s OK.

Mumto32022 · 03/05/2023 21:56

Absolutely not normal. I understand contributing to the bills.
all household bills are in my partners name and I send him money each month. At the moment I haven’t been as have paid for a holiday / holiday clothes / holiday spends etc. he takes in to account if I have school uniform to buy or kids clothes etc. seems unfair and I would class as financial abuse.
Unless he’s financially struggling and hasn’t spoken to you about it ?

FabFitFifties · 03/05/2023 21:56

My DP and I also pay equal amounts into a joint account for bills etc, even though he earns a lot less than me. He chose to change his job and to then also go very part time - that's his choice. However, if he had sudden expenses or something, and couldn't pay up, I'd make up the short fall. We have otherwise seperate finances because I think he would be controlling with pooled finances. He knows I think that, and he has to just grin and bear it, when my parcels arrive. He'd get short shrift he he tried to control the money which I work very hard for. Your husbands behaviour is abusive.

Facetyme · 03/05/2023 21:57

Isthisasgoodasitis · 03/05/2023 21:53

It absolutely is slavery!!! Her rights freedoms and worths are being minimised!!! It’s the epitome of slavery the only disrespect is yours for her rights

Show quote history

Slaves don’t have minimal freedoms, they have no freedoms

please don’t compare this to slavery, it’s not only incredibly ignorant, but it’s incredibly offensive

FiddleLeaf · 03/05/2023 21:57

No, it isn’t our setup. I earn significantly more than my OH & whilst we split the mortgage, I pay for the weekly shop & DIY type jobs. If he was struggling for a moment I would contribute more.

In your situation, it’s not just the money is it? Why the hell is he being nasty?

raincamepouringdown · 03/05/2023 21:57

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 21:09

Yes he earns more than me, my work isn't a hobby job, I just work part time because we also have a 2 year old and I have a chronic illness. I don't have a problem contributing to the bills, it's the constant hounding and having no understanding of the insecurity of being self employed can be sometimes. Is it also normal to demand half towards every thing we buy? Also I accidentally used our joint account to pay for bus fare (picked up wrong card by mistake) and he demanded I pay that back...

You're in a financially abusive relationship.

Start looking into leaving him and getting your affairs in order. Contact women's aid and look at what benefits you might be entitled to if you were single.

DoTrollsShitInTheThreads · 03/05/2023 21:58

This sounds scary to me. You can get help to get out if you want to . x

Verbena17 · 03/05/2023 21:58

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 21:48

saying “like a slave” is comparing the OP to a slave and her situation to slavery.
The ops situation is nothing like slavery and it is, in my opinion, offensive to make such a comparison.

Yes she is in an abusive relationship but that doesn’t justify the hyperbole or your doubling down on it.

Show quote history

As far I know, using the word slavery hasn’t been banned….yet.
I wasn’t referring to any actual slave or past slave.

Rather than focussing on my use of the word slavery, maybe focus on the OP.
Unless you know the OP personally, her actual detailed situation is unknown to us.

FiddleLeaf · 03/05/2023 21:58

Nobsandnockers · 03/05/2023 21:55

Wonder what went on in his home when he was growing up that makes him think it’s OK.

Don’t make excuses for this behaviour.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 03/05/2023 21:59

What the fuck? No this is not normal, his behaviour is abuse. Speak to a domestic abuse charity about financial abuse and coercive control.

porridgeisbae · 03/05/2023 21:59

You just need full visibility of all your assets and you set parameters of spending.

Why? Ok you set parameters for joint stuff, bills etc, but anything else is the individual's own money (unless maybe they both decide to save for something together.)

No one should be paying each other back in a marriage. Utterly daft.

Has OP said somewhere that that's happening?

@Cloud991 Feeling like a slave doesn't sound good. I think you could consider separating from him.

Crikeyalmighty · 03/05/2023 22:00

I would be telling him you are filing for divorce and will be taking 'exactly' half of everything and you've made an itemised list of home assets . Financial assets to be sorted.

It's not remotely normal- you may as well be house sharers. The idea is that it's a marital pot if you are both working-

Museya15 · 03/05/2023 22:00

This is so sad OP, I hope you sort this out