To take only one DC for a weekend away?

[NarwhalsTusk]

I have two DS, aged 6 and 9.

DS9 is fit and has great stamina. DS6 doesn’t - no disabilities etc, but even accounting for him being there years younger he’s just not built the same way.

I love the outdoors and hill walking and both DC are pretty keen but as a family we’re normally limited to what DS6 can manage.

DS9 is easily fit enough now to take on some peaks in Snowdonia. I’d love to take him away for a weekend to tackle a proper mountain. He’d love it. And it’d be nice to have some 1-1 time with him.

But DS6 would be gutted. He thinks (despite all evidence to contrary) he’s as capable as DS9. He’s also very attached to me so would be particularly jealous of me going away with just DS9.

WIBU to take DS9 away on his own?

I have four children - I wouldn’t hesitate to take one away on their own (I do, and just mix it up!), but there is something about the way you talk about your DS6 that makes me a bit uncomfortable. I’m fairly certain you could organise a fun overnight somewhere with him and just go to dinner/movie/bowling/trampoline park or something he would enjoy.
I would absolutely take DS9 away on your own, but try a little harder to come up with something special to do with DS6. Doesn’t need to be a physical pursuit!

When you say they have similar interests is that because they have been to loads of other activities or because you as parents are into hiking and that is all they know.

The 6 year probably hasn’t even started to find out what his interests are.

What else do they do?

I would, but I'd have another weekend booked in with the younger DC before I go on the one with the older DC.
I also wouldn't openly discuss what activities were happening on either weekend, just tell them both they are getting an individual weekend away to do what they like.
I'd plan to do, for example, Go Ape with the younger DC. Something physical and exciting but not as strenuous as a mountain

Of course you can! You can't have your 9yo only doing things suitable for a 6yo. Quality time with children on their own recognising their individuality is really important. You will find a thing for the 6yi in due course. Fair doesn't mean the same.

I'd go on the hike with your DS and your partner can have special 121 time with your 6yo at home. As the youngest of 6 I never got to go to the US or Europe but my siblings did. I wasn't one bit bothered by this as it meant I got special time with the other parent at home. Nothing beats 121 bonding time with a parent, not everything as to be done as a family unit. I treasure those moments and do it with my own kids. Once you've done it once they'll pester you to do it again!

Seriously, you never felt sad not to go to the US or Europe? I can imagine not being sad to miss a UK walking trip but can't imagine not feeling left out of a trip abroad!

By your own logic OP taking only DS9 would be the equivalent to taking one to a theme park without the other. DS6 would still know that you and DS9 have gone off to do something fun without him.
If you were to go ahead and take DS9 away without DS6 and DH you’d have to make sure DS6 had an equally fun weekend with DH.
Maybe you need to set a president for 1 on 1 weekends? The 1st and 3rd weekends of the month being 1 on 1 days/weekends where you and DH alternate the boys with the remaining 2 weekends in the month being family weekends. That way you and DH get quality time with the kids together and separate and you’ll all the the opportunity to explore activities at the skill sets appropriate. It may also take the sting out of you taking DS9 out without DS6 if DS6 knows he’ll be having an equally good time with his Dad and he’ll get to have a different fun weekend/day out with you later in the month.
All family dynamics are different and I won’t cast judgement on you but your tone in some of your posts do make it seem like you have little faith in DS6’s abilities… he may surprise you what he’s capable of. Maybe if he starts with long nature walks he can build up to snowdonia. I hope whatever you decide that both boys get enjoyable experiences.

Something like this might work, though I can see various ways it’d probably work out differently in practice…DS6 would moan about not being with me, DH would feel hard done by not doing the more strenuous walks. There’s something to be said for me and DS9 being “out of sight out of mind”.

I think you should. This is where a lot of parents with multiple kids fall down - many tend to dumb down or minimise the older child’s experiences to accomodate younger siblings but then when those younger siblings get older they get to do everything they want to and more. It isn’t fair.

I think it's fine to do.
Good in fact.

I think saying to DS2 ' this is a very hard hike you're not old enough for yet so DS1 are me are going. When you're 11 you can come with me and do it too.'

There's a clear rationale and he gets the same treatment: doing this hike when he's 11.

I've always done activities with my children individually. I really valued time alone with each of them.

This was equally spread but no one was keeping records and counting, we all just accepted not everything is a whole family event.

I think an obsession with totally equal treatment at all times isn't healthy. Everyone should learn to give and take.

For many reasons, absolutely no way.

I was mainly meaning there isn’t anything obvious that DS6 is into that DS9 isn’t (eg that DS9 has outgrown) - they watch the same films/tv, play with the same toys and games etc. they both swim, cycle. They’ve been climbing, kayaking, paddle boarding, skiing. They do usual team sports at school
.
We give them plenty of exposure to different activities. There’s just nothing yet that really stands out for DS6, but it’s early days of course.

This is what we did - although the age gap between ours is almost 8 years. Eldest did Catbells with DH, youngest went swimming with me. All did a flat walk and the motorboat the next day.

I was a younger child with the same age gap as your kids. And my grandma took my sister to the trip that she thought wasn't appropriate for my age so I stayed home. Few years later when I was the same age we repeated the trip. And of course my sister was included too this time. It felt very unfair for me. Maybe because we didn't travel much.
I think it's a nice idea to spend some quality time with each child individually. Maybe you should allow them to select the activity they would like.

Maybe I am projecting because taking the train seems so much like cheating, but I feel like that emphasises the difference in their abilities more than just not taking him or taking him for a different activity in the same area.

All family dynamics are different and I won’t cast judgement on you but your tone in some of your posts do make it seem like you have little faith in DS6’s abilities… he may surprise you what he’s capable of. Maybe if he starts with long nature walks he can build up to snowdonia

I can see it comes across as a bit blunt in isolation. Believe me that DS6 is absolutely adored. He is funny, creative, clever, affectionate and I couldn’t love him any more. But honestly, when it comes to physical activity DS9 is a Duracell bunny and DS6 isn’t.

That’s not to say I’ve written him off but I’m just realistic about what they’re each capable of.

Why not make it really easy - and plan a hike with younger son first, then do the harder one with your older son. That way it's the same activity, just a different level of difficulty, and it's an easier 'sell' - as you can tell them you want to enjoy one on one time with them

We have a similar age gap and dynamic in our family. Whilst, in general, I think whole family activities are best and finding ways to include everyone, I also think occasional 1-2-1 time is important. I notice conversations are different when I am 1-2-1 with the kids. I also remember not being allowed to do certain things myself as a child, because my younger sibling couldn’t cope with it and I felt very held back and that my strengths weren’t celebrated.

I’d suggest that 1-2-1 time is important with both and to do the youngest child’s 1-2-1 time first, because they will have less ability to understand waiting. I wouldn’t promise to do the Snowdon trip when they are are 9, because that is an eternity for a 6 year old (and circumstances might change). Do something now. Ideally, make sure daddy is also treating and having quality time with the child not on an adventure with you.

On the issue of finding something you can enjoy with the younger child, that gives you both some challenge and sense of accomplishment - it takes a bit of lateral thinking, but sometimes you can do both.

I took one of my kids on an overnight cycling trip when she was 6. We did an off-road cycle path, which was only about 20 miles long. Not very long for me, but quite an achievement for my child. We split it in half by camping over night. I had never cycle-camped before, so it was new skills for me. Plus I carried the majority of the stuff, so the extra weight added a bit of challenge. We also took the bikes on the train, which was fairly stressful for me (having not done it recently), but exciting for my child.

Oh a cycling adventure is such a good idea, he would love that @HoneymoonSouvenir - and similar to what @AwaaFaeHom said the idea of taking him first works well. DS9 has an upcoming cubs camp and I was thinking of doing something with DS6 then, so that would work (as DS9 would otherwise be arguing about why he couldn’t come), then I can explain that DS6 has already had a solo adventure with me and now it is DS9’s turn.

Sounds sensible, enjoy both weekends OP.

Definitely go , have two hiking weekends ,one with each child

It's completely normal that DC will have different interests so yes I would take the older DC and leave the other one behind to do the fun stuff he enjoys

I think it's totally reasonable and very healthy to do things with children separately. You definitely need to plan something for DC6 before sharing plan with DC9. But learning that it's ok to do things independently of each other is good for siblings. They are their own people.It's not fair for DC9 if he has to wait 3 years longer for everything.

@HappiDaze It's completely normal that DC will have different interests so yes I would take the older DC and leave the other one behind to do the fun stuff he enjoys

But they have the same interest and the younger one enjoys this as well. That’s the problem. If the younger one wasn’t interested the problem would be solved, but alas.

If DS9 was good at football but DS6 also liked kicking a ball around, I’m not sure anyone would be saying I couldn’t send DS9 to a football camp because DS6 couldn’t go too.