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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take only one DC for a weekend away?

206 replies

NarwhalsTusk · 03/05/2023 11:05

I have two DS, aged 6 and 9.

DS9 is fit and has great stamina. DS6 doesn’t - no disabilities etc, but even accounting for him being there years younger he’s just not built the same way.

I love the outdoors and hill walking and both DC are pretty keen but as a family we’re normally limited to what DS6 can manage.

DS9 is easily fit enough now to take on some peaks in Snowdonia. I’d love to take him away for a weekend to tackle a proper mountain. He’d love it. And it’d be nice to have some 1-1 time with him.

But DS6 would be gutted. He thinks (despite all evidence to contrary) he’s as capable as DS9. He’s also very attached to me so would be particularly jealous of me going away with just DS9.

WIBU to take DS9 away on his own?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/05/2023 20:20

I think you’re too fixated on “at the same age”, OP. A 6 yo isn’t going to get that. He doesn’t care what his brother did or didn’t get to do three years ago. He cares about now.

I think it’s only fine if you can give the 6 yo a trip if equal merit first (as in shortly before hand).

Im an eldest child myself and can remember the mentality I had as a child that what each of us had done “at the same age” was what mattered, and that “at the same time” didn’t count for anything. Now I’m a parent myself, I can see that it isn’t as simple as that, and that it’s unfair to the younger child.

No, they don’t need the same trip at the same time - settling the “at the same age” point as they could have it in three years time. But they need something nice “at the same time”.

2bazookas · 03/05/2023 22:02

All our kids had solo weekends away with a parent; they loved it . To have that one-to-one time is so special.

6 yr old can have a different "just him" trip geared to his own interests.

AwaaFaeHom · 03/05/2023 22:22

NarwhalsTusk · 03/05/2023 16:07

if you’re implying it’s favouritism as I’ve said before it’s absolutely nothing of the sort.

There’s a perfectly good reason for not taking the younger one on a serious mountain hike - that being he couldn’t do it and wouldn’t enjoy it (though he would enjoy a something less strenuous).

To the extent it’s age related, that seems fair enough to me (“DS9 is going on this trip because he is older, you can do it too when you’re his age”).

Excluding DS9 from something he would be able to do and enjoy doing simply to level the playing field seems somewhat unjust.

DS6 gets way more opportunities than DS9 did at the same age by virtue of being the youngest as most things we do are age-appropriate for him.

Show quote history

I didn't imply anything. I asked a fairly straightforward question.

I think you need to stop letting your perception of what is fair get in the way of what is going to feel fair to your children.

Do you think that cooking is going to seem like an equivalent weekend away to your younger son? It seems unlikely, but I don't know him.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/05/2023 22:31

It would be unreasonable to take one child away and not offer a similar opportunity to the other.
Does DS9 actually want to go mountain walking? You sound very keen.
Ask them both what they'd each like to do,
DS9 might be really p'd off if DS6 gets to choose a theme park but he gets no options on what he'd like to do.

Nobodytellsmenothin · 04/05/2023 04:22

Unless you take them both away for a separate weekend then no, absolutely not! But if you can do it for both then absolutely yes, as you said it will strengthen your relationship with both of them and would be a lovely gesture.

I’ll be honest it sounds like you have a favourite child- be careful there, it can destroy their relationship and cause a lot of problems

moleeye · 04/05/2023 04:35

I have 2 children of a similar age and capabilities and the younger would be devastated at being left out.

Placating with a cookery lesson would not cut the mustard

VestaTilley · 04/05/2023 04:52

I wouldn’t do it, no. Snowdon will be there for years. Your second child being little will not. He needs his Mum; don’t separate them for the weekend. He’ll feel rejected. Find an activity you can all do.

nomoredrivingytu · 04/05/2023 04:57

I think the problem is DS6 would want to do the activity, very sad you're discouraging him.

user1492757084 · 04/05/2023 05:13

It is a fantastic idea to have a one on one adventure with your nine year old that suits his athletic spirit.
Leave the other son home with a treat of his favourite cake and bring him back a momento.
Also promise to take the younger son with you, alone, when he is nine.
Or you could promise to have the one on one with the six year old soon - say camping in a tent or whatever.

He will look forward to it and hold you to your promise.

MaryShelley1818 · 04/05/2023 05:21

I don't think it's a problem having different weekends/trips/outings for different children but I do think you have to try and make it balanced so they both get a special treat.

My children are much younger but I took the oldest one away for a weekend recently and so just booked a night away for the little one to enjoy something in June.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2023 05:39

Maybe turn this on its head? Your partner can tell your 6 yo he wants to take him away somewhere he will enjoy and where does he want to go? Maybe suggestions of stuff your eldest has grown out of like Thomas land or peppa pig world. I imagine if he gets wind his elder brother thinks these things are babyish he won’t want to go. But it’s worth a shot.

SlippySarah · 04/05/2023 06:00

I decided to take my DC to a festival this year but realised that being a single parent it would be pretty tricky 2:1 as they would want to do completely different things so I've booked to take DD to a local music festival and DS to an outdoorsy/wild camp type festival on a different weekend. It's OK to do things with them separately but imo important to make it fair.

123rainbow · 04/05/2023 06:01

I think this will cause resentment between them, I wouldn't do this.

Ladybug14 · 04/05/2023 06:19

The point here, as far as I can understand, is that DS6 thinks he could walk up Snowden, wants to walk up Snowden and would be upset if you left him out of the Snowden climb because you decided to tell him he is unable to walk up Snowden

Based on the above you are either brutal with DS6 and tell him the truth - you can't hack it laddie so I'm taking DS9 on his own as he CAN hack it or you don't go with DS9 or you go with both boys plus another adult who takes care of DS6 when he flags and tires

DothThouTwerk · 04/05/2023 06:37

NarwhalsTusk · 03/05/2023 11:16

No reason I can’t do something separately with DS6, but it’s a little harder to thing of something that would uniquely suit him (they’re close and basically both into the same stuff).

On the one hand I would feel guilty about DS6 however I also feel bad DS9 is being held back from experiences he’d enjoy by his brother. He’s also three years older so I feel that “earns him access” to experiences he didn’t get when he was six.

I think children really benefit from solo time with their parents but I agree with others that it shouldn't just be one of them receiving it.

Whatever you do with DS6 doesn't have to be unique to him necessarily. It doesn't matter if it's also something DS9 would enjoy too, as you say, DS6 thinks he would enjoy the weekend you're planning with DS9 too so there isn't much difference there other than you knowing yourself that this weekend is more suited to DS9.

Basically absolutely go with S9 but also plan something for you and S6 to do and tell him about it so he has something to look forward to. Don't stress about it having to be something specifically for him that only he'd like. Even if it is something S9 would also like you just tell him he got his weekend with Mum and now it's S6 turn.

But please do make sure you do it with both of them. Id be concerned that this will become a regular thing going forward because you share a hobby with S9 that you'll spend more and more solo time with him doing something you both enjoy and S6 will start to feel a bit left by the wayside because he's not as skilled or into the hobby that you and his brother share.

prescribingmum · 04/05/2023 06:45

I would and I do but I do things with both children individually (despite them being just over a year apart). The part that makes it easier for me is the other DC isn’t usually interested in what I’m doing with their sibling and doesn’t want to attend

GGee123 · 04/05/2023 06:59

I personally wouldn't. As DS6 also loves hill walking, it sounds like you know this will upset him, & I don't go with the fact this will hold DS9 back, he has the rest of his life to climb Snowdon if he wants to.

Yes I'm sure you would both have a lovely time, but not at the expense of your other child.

As others have said, if there is another weekend you can take DS6 on then great, but it doesn't like there is.

YWP · 04/05/2023 07:02

I would do it but you also need to plan something with your youngest. One on one time special trips for both kids.

You can’t leave the youngest and do nothing with them.

Feralgremlin · 04/05/2023 07:22

I think it would be different if it was something your younger son wasn’t interested in but it sounds like he would also enjoy it. I was the older, yet less able, sibling and I would have been heartbroken if one of my parents had taken my brother hiking without me just because I couldn’t keep up! Thankfully I was never made to feel less important just because I was slower and one parent would go ahead with my brother and another would hang back and go with me at my pace. Those holidays are some of my favourite memories but it absolutely would have caused a rift if they had gone without me.

Also, your insistence on taking your older son away but your reluctance to do something alone with your younger son screams favouritism, and if strangers on the internet can sense it, I feel pretty safe in saying that your younger son already senses it too.

Samlewis96 · 04/05/2023 08:07

SeaToSki · 03/05/2023 11:23

Sit down with both of them and say you want to spend a weekend one on one with each of them. Brainstorm with them both what they would like to do on their weekend. Explain that just because the other would also like to participate, it doesnt mean its off the list. Then plan 2 weekends, one with each, and have fun

A great experience for both and they also get to learn that everyone cant do everything all the time (even if they want to) because they are individuals as well as part of a family

This exactly. Just because you are part of a family doesnt mean you are not an individual. I've taken all of mine places separately at one time or another. Had occasional whinge but no ones missed out

Mariposista · 04/05/2023 08:28

I would! What if DS2 grows up and actually hates hiking, and develops other interests.
Take DS1, and just make sure his brother gets a nice 1-1 treat too, with something he likes.

neverbeenskiing · 04/05/2023 08:39

I enjoy taking DS6 too but having to go at his pace is very limiting

This is just the reality of life with young kids though isn't it? Once you become a parent holidays or weekends away aren't just about you anymore, you have to work around your child's needs and limitations.

dottiedodah · 04/05/2023 08:43

Can your DP take the younger one Camping or whatever? TBH 2 or more DC someone will always feel "left out"! I would crack on with the older one .The younger one will get his turn

Whyamiherenow · 04/05/2023 08:56

We have multiple children. We do things with them individually and 1-2-1 on a regular basis. It is important for children to have individual time with their parent (s). We do this as part of daily / weekly life so it isn’t a big thing. Would probably start with something smaller for 1-2-1 time so it isn’t a big issue. But it is totally reasonable and fair to do things alone with each child in an age appropriate way.

Original poster
NarwhalsTusk · 04/05/2023 09:11

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2023 05:39

Maybe turn this on its head? Your partner can tell your 6 yo he wants to take him away somewhere he will enjoy and where does he want to go? Maybe suggestions of stuff your eldest has grown out of like Thomas land or peppa pig world. I imagine if he gets wind his elder brother thinks these things are babyish he won’t want to go. But it’s worth a shot.

This is a good idea. Though as I’ve said there’s nothing between them really in terms of things that DS9 has grown out of that DS6 still enjoys - having an older sibling means he’s already declared those things “babyish” as he follows the lead of his brother.

I also think people might be over-imagining quite how keen the boys are on hiking: let’s face it, it’s very much my interest and the boys can be persuaded and (nearly) always enjoy it. No one is nagging me to go hiking.

If I took DS9 hiking and DH took DS6 to a theme park then all hell would break loose because a theme park is a proper treat in their eyes whereas hiking needs a bit of a sell-in.

OP posts: