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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take only one DC for a weekend away?

206 replies

NarwhalsTusk · 03/05/2023 11:05

I have two DS, aged 6 and 9.

DS9 is fit and has great stamina. DS6 doesn’t - no disabilities etc, but even accounting for him being there years younger he’s just not built the same way.

I love the outdoors and hill walking and both DC are pretty keen but as a family we’re normally limited to what DS6 can manage.

DS9 is easily fit enough now to take on some peaks in Snowdonia. I’d love to take him away for a weekend to tackle a proper mountain. He’d love it. And it’d be nice to have some 1-1 time with him.

But DS6 would be gutted. He thinks (despite all evidence to contrary) he’s as capable as DS9. He’s also very attached to me so would be particularly jealous of me going away with just DS9.

WIBU to take DS9 away on his own?

OP posts:
OchonAgusOchonOh · 03/05/2023 12:26

BallandBoe · 03/05/2023 12:13

Not quite sure how 'Karen' is misogynistic?

It's basically a word to describe someone who needs to get over themselves. If I'm wrong, I apologise.

But my reasoning still stands.

Show quote history

It's a term that is only used about women. I agree with you that the post was unnecessary but no need for you to use a derogatory term in response.

Have a read of this (https://amp.theguardian.com/fashion/2020/apr/13/the-karen-meme-is-everywhere-and-it-has-become-mired-in-sexism) if you're interested.

The 'Karen' meme is everywhere – and it has become mired in sexism | Women | The Guardian

Countless TikTok videos are dedicated to the Karen meme. What was once a way of describing women’s behaviour is now too often about controlling it

https://amp.theguardian.com/fashion/2020/apr/13/the-karen-meme-is-everywhere-and-it-has-become-mired-in-sexism

Newyearnewmeow · 03/05/2023 12:28

It’s good for children to have one on one time with their parent.
I would explain to the youngest the climb will be too difficult for him so he can decide what he would like to do just the two of you.

JulieHoney · 03/05/2023 12:30

It’s fine to take your eldest and leave the 6yo behind as long as you take the 6yo somewhere and leave the eldest behind.

1 to 1 time with a parent is very valuable.

If 6yo is very clingy it could well benefit him to have some time with his dad - say you climb Snowdon and they go to Chester Zoo for the day, for example.

Famzonhol · 03/05/2023 12:31

Newyearnewmeow · 03/05/2023 12:28

It’s good for children to have one on one time with their parent.
I would explain to the youngest the climb will be too difficult for him so he can decide what he would like to do just the two of you.

Agree.

pizzaHeart · 03/05/2023 12:31

I don’t think you are holding DS1 back. And I think that this idea has driven a bit by your desire to do this rather than what’s your DS1 needs. Your approach will just create unnecessary resentment between brothers. You’ve worded it as it’s your DS2 fault that he’s younger and less physically strong.

You can do this trip imo, you just need to present it differently e.g special tradition, something you do with your child for his 10th birthday - so you’ll do it with DS2 on his 10th birthday. Or for any sort of special achievement but it should be something that you’ll do with DS2 as well. It’s not like you’ll reward DS1 for piano exam but not DS2 as he does football but not piano playing.
Apologies if this idea was already suggested.

ittakes2 · 03/05/2023 12:34

I have twins I do different stuff with both - I think you should plan a weekend away with them both as individuals to keep things fair.

stripeymonster · 03/05/2023 12:48

Just a thought, do check that your older son would prefer to go just with you. I've arranged things before for one child but then they've actually asked if their sibling can come too because it would be more fun that way.

stayathomer · 03/05/2023 12:52

I think it would be different if he had no interest but if he genuinely thinks he's equal and would love to go then I think it's a huge thing not to bring him if you're bringing your other ds (sorry!)

Hankunamatata · 03/05/2023 12:53

Do 2 trips. Take dc1 to do bigger stuff for a weekend then take dc2 to do more stuff to his ability for a weekend. Or you go away as a four and dh takes younger dc on different walk. Tell younger dc when he is bigger he can do the same trip.

Talipesmum · 03/05/2023 12:54

My dad took me on longer walking weekends and not my sister, when she was younger. We are 2 years apart. I’d say do it if your OH can do something with the younger one over the same weekend. And promise a walking weekend when your younger one is the same age as your elder one is now.

caringcarer · 03/05/2023 12:58

That would be ok if you later did something different with your younger child on their own.

lailamaria · 03/05/2023 13:02

you have a lot of internalised ableism op sorry to say it but it's true, you feel 'let down' because your disabled child can't do the things you want to do and find it difficult to match his capabilities, i really hope you don't show any of this outwardly

careerthink · 03/05/2023 13:07

I do things alone with each of my children all the time, it's important to have 1:1 time. However, I go to great lengths to make it equal, to do something that is tailored to them, if I were to do a weekend with one I'd need to plan another weekend with the other, and be careful how you word it so it doesn't sound like you're picking one over the other.

Interestingly, when there's mixed sex families this seems to be much more accepted.

NoFault2023 · 03/05/2023 13:13

lailamaria · 03/05/2023 13:02

you have a lot of internalised ableism op sorry to say it but it's true, you feel 'let down' because your disabled child can't do the things you want to do and find it difficult to match his capabilities, i really hope you don't show any of this outwardly

she says her son isn’t disabled.

SometimesMaybe · 03/05/2023 13:15

I think it is really important to treat your children as individuals and do things with them according to their own age, interests and abilities.
Also spending 121 time with your children is incredibly important to allow your relationship to develop. If you only spend time with them together and as a family you are closing off opportunities to chat and confide.
A lot of my friends with DC of the same sex quite understandably do all the same extra circular things together at the same time. I completely understand why but I think this can creates a codependency, where the younger one is dragged along to things they aren’t that or they are very dependent on the older one being present.

As I say to my DC being fair doesn’t mean being the same.
An overnight trip away with your older one? Great and age and activity appropriate. A
day out - cinema for a younger film lunch, swimming with your younger one would be an equally exciting opportunity to spend time with mum.

SunnyCoco · 03/05/2023 13:17

I really don't think this is a good idea, especially because the youngest shares the same hobby and would be gutted not to be joining you

These experiences of rejection can have quite an impact in the future

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/05/2023 13:18

NarwhalsTusk · 03/05/2023 11:16

No reason I can’t do something separately with DS6, but it’s a little harder to thing of something that would uniquely suit him (they’re close and basically both into the same stuff).

On the one hand I would feel guilty about DS6 however I also feel bad DS9 is being held back from experiences he’d enjoy by his brother. He’s also three years older so I feel that “earns him access” to experiences he didn’t get when he was six.

I see your point but this is what would stop me.

DS6 would be gutted. He thinks (despite all evidence to contrary) he’s as capable as DS9. He’s also very attached to me so would be particularly jealous of me going away with just DS9.

I bet DS6 is picking up on this "all evidence to the contrary) he knows you think he's less than capable and the idea of not being allowed to go is making him unhappy. He can't see ahead to realise that its not suitable for him and he wouldn't enjoy it.
I think this is something that is better left for a year or so. As it could really damage brotherly relations. Why not take them both away somewhere that is good for both of them. Or get a relative to help entertain DS6 so that he has a really fab day, and the promise of 1 on 1 time with you somewhere nice the next day?
Otherwise I can imagine how he'd feel as you and DS9 come back, full of your day going up the mountain. A similar thing happened to me when young visiting relatives - they all went out to something at 5 yrs I was too young for and I was left with an Aunt I didn't know. I still remember to this day sitting on the stairs crying my eyes out and pleading to go with them as they all trooped out all delighted to be going out and looking forward to their outing. They were only going to look at stupid castle too!

Original poster
NarwhalsTusk · 03/05/2023 13:18

mum11970 · 03/05/2023 11:58

I say it depends on whether ds2 would actually want to climb Snowdon or one of the other mountains in the area. I think you’d be surprised how many 6 year olds climb Snowdon. My youngest went up at 6, he wasn’t overly fit at that age, just an average 6 year old.

He would in principle, partly because I have worked quite hard on trying to foster his enthusiasm for walking - planning fun trips with achievable small summits and lavishing him with praise for “climbing a mountain”.

But in practice we’ve had times when he’s been absolutely done in and miserable and we’ve had to call it a day because of DS6, and DS9 has been still full of energy and wanting to go further and do more.

DS9 I would say is above average for his age in terms of stamina for walking and DS6 is below average - at 6 DS9 could have managed Snowden, but I’d be less confident about DS6.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 13:18

NarwhalsTusk · 03/05/2023 11:16

No reason I can’t do something separately with DS6, but it’s a little harder to thing of something that would uniquely suit him (they’re close and basically both into the same stuff).

On the one hand I would feel guilty about DS6 however I also feel bad DS9 is being held back from experiences he’d enjoy by his brother. He’s also three years older so I feel that “earns him access” to experiences he didn’t get when he was six.

But DS6 feels this activity does suit him. So you don't need to think of an activity your DS9 wouldn't want to do, you just need to treat DS6 and DS9 needs to accept he isn't going like DS6 has to for this trip.

It's surely not about whether they'd actually be good at it so much as it is about the fact that they would want to go.

OrchidsBlooming · 03/05/2023 13:18

Plan two walking trips one up snowdon with the eldest, one flatter but as interesting with younger. You get two walking holidays pitched at different but interesting levels.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/05/2023 13:21

OrchidsBlooming · 03/05/2023 13:18

Plan two walking trips one up snowdon with the eldest, one flatter but as interesting with younger. You get two walking holidays pitched at different but interesting levels.

Good idea. Also was thinking about city walks where there's things to look at that might distract him. Or letting him bring a micro scooter, which we used very successfully when our DC got tired on city walks.

user1483387154 · 03/05/2023 13:22

For me personally as long as you will give the same time and energy to your other child , doing something you both enjoy together, I dont see a problem, but you have to give them equal time

Original poster
NarwhalsTusk · 03/05/2023 13:31

somuchtolearnabout · 03/05/2023 12:04

In theory no, I don't think it's a problem. But what is a problem is your attitude.

"No reason I can’t do something separately with DS6, but it’s a little harder to thing of something that would uniquely suit him (they’re close and basically both into the same stuff)"

What you basically mean by this, is that there's nothing that you'd want to do, that your youngest would also want to do. The overriding message in your posts is that you want to go to snowdonia and you want DS9 there to keep you company. That's obvious from the way you say it's cheaper to pay for 2 than 4 (aka, happy to pay for yourself but not others) and the way you're essentially whining about the fact that you, the mother, are held back from going the pace you want because you have a young child who has to keep up.

So no - I don't think you're wrong for wanting to do it. But I just don't particularly like your attitude.

Not at all…DS6 and I are really close and I definitely get more 1-1 time with him day-to-day (eg DS6 like to hop into bed with me in the morning for a cuddle and a chat whereas DS9 is more independent spirited). DS9 is at a cubs camp next weekend and I have been plotting with DS6 what fun things we’ll do together while he’s away (he has decided he wants to teach me to play Pokémon cards).

OP posts:
FairAcre · 03/05/2023 13:34

NarwhalsTusk · 03/05/2023 11:31

To be honest my view is probably coloured by the fact I would love more opportunities to get out in the hills and am excited about having an enthusiastic partner in DS9 to join me.

I enjoy taking DS6 out too but having to go at his pace is very limiting. My only challenge with DS9 would be keeping up with him!

It sounds like the trip is more for you than either of the children.

Ponoka7 · 03/05/2023 13:38

My sibling GC get taken out separately. It all equals out. If they didn't then the eldest would miss out. My two youngest were different personalities, one I would do shopping trips with, the other we would have movie/binge watching/cinema trips. You can't split yourself in two.