Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take only one DC for a weekend away?

206 replies

NarwhalsTusk · 03/05/2023 11:05

I have two DS, aged 6 and 9.

DS9 is fit and has great stamina. DS6 doesn’t - no disabilities etc, but even accounting for him being there years younger he’s just not built the same way.

I love the outdoors and hill walking and both DC are pretty keen but as a family we’re normally limited to what DS6 can manage.

DS9 is easily fit enough now to take on some peaks in Snowdonia. I’d love to take him away for a weekend to tackle a proper mountain. He’d love it. And it’d be nice to have some 1-1 time with him.

But DS6 would be gutted. He thinks (despite all evidence to contrary) he’s as capable as DS9. He’s also very attached to me so would be particularly jealous of me going away with just DS9.

WIBU to take DS9 away on his own?

OP posts:
Aaaaandbreathe · 04/05/2023 09:19

Take them both on separate weekends. I regularly do different things with different children and think it's important they have that one to one time but it's equally distributed.

If both your DS enjoy that activity you can't not allow one to experience it just because he's too slow for your standards. That's not his fault. Take them on separate weekends and that means no one misses out, you all get 1 to 1 time and you get to go at the pace you want with DS9.

Original poster
NarwhalsTusk · 04/05/2023 09:25

neverbeenskiing · 04/05/2023 08:39

I enjoy taking DS6 too but having to go at his pace is very limiting

This is just the reality of life with young kids though isn't it? Once you become a parent holidays or weekends away aren't just about you anymore, you have to work around your child's needs and limitations.

I can and do head off to the fells with friends occasionally so I can get a proper hike rather than child-pace trudge.

The main thing for me is that I think DS9 is at the stage where he could really share in that - I still remember some of the first “wow I really just climbed that!” moments when I was a child and I’d like DS9 to get to experience that too. Obviously ideally I’d like DS6 to as well, but we’re not there yet and maybe we never will be - DS9 has had the stamina for walking from the off whilst DS6 is physically and temperamentally a very different child.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 04/05/2023 09:29

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 03/05/2023 11:11

I would only do this if I could take the other child away for a solo weekend too.

Yes this. And 121 time is a good idea full stop.

If DC2 likes hillwalking then take him on one too - something that sounds good, but works for him. He’s very little and eventually he’ll be able to do it, so you don’t want to put him off -

Dwightlovesmichael · 04/05/2023 09:33

I do this with my children, BUT I have large age gaps between the three of them so it’s much easier to do so without any resentment from the others. Although I have had a lot of shocked reactions from people.

I see nothing wrong with taking children away for a weekend with one on one time with a parent as long as it’s fair and your other son can have a weekend away with you on his own too.

If you do if fairly, it can be a fantastic experience for a child to have that one on one time. I know some people disagree though!

proventocleanbetter · 04/05/2023 09:34

I'd do it, @NarwhalsTusk. I used to do separate things with my DC based on their and my interests. They don't have to do everything together, and 3 years is quite a big gap so that's another good reason why the older one gets to do an 'older' thing (my DC have much smaller gaps, which is a bit harder). As it happens, walking is the thing I did with my first child. It was lovely to be able to walk with someone who likes walking as much as I do. I did different things with the others, as did their father. One of mine was a county swimmer and I can't swim and the other DC aren't bothered, so her dad used to do swimming things with her because he was a strong swimmer. And so on.

brogueish · 04/05/2023 09:34

Haven't RTFT. They both would enjoy this, but one is more capable than the other. So take older one mountain climbing and spend another weekend 1:1 with the younger one. Doesn't matter fs older child would also enjoy the activity you do with the younger child (younger child would also enjoy mountain climbing!) but it stops it being unequal and honestly, unfair.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/05/2023 09:35

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · Yesterday 11:11
I would only do this if I could take the other child away for a solo weekend too.”

This or he’ll always feel second best.

Scoobyblue · 04/05/2023 09:44

I wouldn't. There must be lots of things that you can do together as a family and I would wait for the younger one to get a bit stronger and then do it all together.

Cordeliathecat · 04/05/2023 09:45

DH and I do this all the time. We go on trips or holidays individually with one of the children. In fact we are going on separate holidays this half term. I don’t see a problem with it at all. It’s good to half 1 on 1 time with the children.

Warmhandscoldheart · 04/05/2023 09:51

SeaToSki · 03/05/2023 11:23

Sit down with both of them and say you want to spend a weekend one on one with each of them. Brainstorm with them both what they would like to do on their weekend. Explain that just because the other would also like to participate, it doesnt mean its off the list. Then plan 2 weekends, one with each, and have fun

A great experience for both and they also get to learn that everyone cant do everything all the time (even if they want to) because they are individuals as well as part of a family

100% agree

LorW · 04/05/2023 10:04

Please don’t do this without taking the other on his own weekend too, this happened to my sister, Im a few years older and my mum took me to London to see a show, she was extremely upset but my mum told her she would do the same with her when she got to my age, well that time came around and it never happened as my mum couldn’t then afford it, circumstances change, my sister never forgot it and I still think resents me for it as it’s always bought up when she’s had a drink…🙄

MammaTo · 04/05/2023 10:05

Do you have to tell the younger one what you’re doing? Can you say you’re doing something else and just keep the little one in the dark.. I know it sounds mean but it saves hurting his feelings.

InSpainTheRain · 04/05/2023 10:08

No I wouldn't do this - unless I also had a weekend planned and booked for DS2. It seems fo be as much for you as anything though.

LorW · 04/05/2023 10:11

MammaTo · 04/05/2023 10:05

Do you have to tell the younger one what you’re doing? Can you say you’re doing something else and just keep the little one in the dark.. I know it sounds mean but it saves hurting his feelings.

This would never work knowing siblings, depending on the eldest’s temperament alls it will take is one argument and he will be telling his brother all about his special weekend away with mum.

BelindaBears · 04/05/2023 10:11

I think it’s fine to take them away separately, I.e. so long as the younger DS gets a separate trip in line with his own interests. Siblings don’t have to do everything together.

FernGully43 · 04/05/2023 10:12

I personally think this is fine, op but only if you take DS2 away too on his own. Frame it as "I'd like to spend some time with you both individually doing something fun...I thought hiking with ds1 and insert activity with ds2, what do you both think?"

Then it wouldn't seem unfair to ds2.

Whatevs99 · 04/05/2023 10:13

My DH took our 2 DS to London when they were 10/11 and I stayed home with our DD who was 4. We told her we’d bring her to London when she was 9. She started planning her trip!

She’s 9 shortly and I’m bringing her the following weekend. DH and the 2 DS will stay at home.

Can you not do something similar - tell DS you’ll bring him away by himself when he’s 9? Just the two of you….

stichguru · 04/05/2023 10:17

Definitely do it. The little one might feel hard done by, but both your children need one-to-one-time with you sometimes. There will be great benefits for the little and the big one of having alone time with one parent. Don't make a big thing of the walk being too hard for the younger one, you just want time with his brother. Then do a similar trip with him, doing something he'd enjoy (even if you don't enjoy it quite so much). They both need your undivided attention sometimes, and having a time when the parents go separate ways with a child each, is valuable. Honestly, even if you took two weekends and the parents did the same activity each weekend, but the kids swapped over it would be beneficial. What you must be sure of though is that the little one's activities are seen as as important as his brother's. It's not "big boy is doing at important trip with mummy and daddy is keeping the baby out of the way", it's "both the boys are having the undivided attention of one parent doing something they love".

marmite2023 · 04/05/2023 10:19

I would start creating special things you get to do at a certain age. Milestone celebrations.

eg special one-to-one weekend when you’re 10, something else at 12, 16, 18.

then say to younger one that he will have his own special thing when he hits each milestone. He may want to do the same as his older brother did, but given the time passing, he might become more his own person by the time he hits those ages.

Em308 · 04/05/2023 10:23

How about this? Weekend away all the family - day one you and elder son do your climb, younger son and dad do an activity. Day two you and younger son do a different, gentler climb, older son and dad do an activity. Both children get one to one with each parent and you get to do the harder hike.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 04/05/2023 10:26

It sounds like this is more about you and what you want to do than about your DC.

Find a hiking buddy.

Your 9 year old really isn't going to miss out.

Kennykenkencat · 04/05/2023 10:27

I think you have to take both out separately even if it is pretty much doing the same things.

Where as eldest can do more and understand he is more at your level than youngest so you will enjoy the day more in that you aren’t having to adjust your natural pace, you have to do similar with the youngest to have him try. (It’s called being a parent) Maybe something that will stretch him but is achievable. But I wouldn’t be saying anything to him that indicates his brother can do more beyond it being an age thing and praise him that his brother was at a similar level when he was 6 years old.

Make sure your eldest Ds doesn’t say anything derogatory to his younger brother that will mar his achievements either. Celebrate what your eldest can achieve and give equal celebration to what your youngest achieves.

In the meantime find something that your youngest loves doing (karate, dance and drama classes, football etc) Something that his brother has no interest in or doesn’t have a natural flair for.

I can understand how good it is when your children get to the stage where they can partake in what you like doing but don’t leave the youngest behind because he hasn’t got to that stage yet

MonkeypuzzleClimber · 04/05/2023 10:28

Why not plan a walk with a short circuit and a longer circuit attached, and start off as a family?

It’s actually my younger daughter who is the tougher walker here. Her (three years) older sister and dad have cut out early/pottered about at the bottom and gone to a cafe on several occasions when they stopped enjoying themselves, while youngest and I have carried on to the summit.

HoppingPavlova · 04/05/2023 10:29

I think it would be different if they had completely different interests (such as the younger being not interested in hiking), but that’s not the case. So, no, will create friction/problems. I’d wait until the younger is capable or do something they are capable of instead. In my experience the gloves come off around 17yo when the are more mature and able to realise everyone’s capabilities are different, not just age related, and they accept this. Then go off hiking in more challenging situations with the older one.

thegreylady · 04/05/2023 10:34

I really think it would be a great idea for ds2 to be taken up in the train (pre booked) meet at the cafe then walk down together. The 9 year old would be ready for a slower pace and the 6 year old will have a walk down the mountain with his brother.