To take only one DC for a weekend away?

[NarwhalsTusk]

I have two DS, aged 6 and 9.

DS9 is fit and has great stamina. DS6 doesn’t - no disabilities etc, but even accounting for him being there years younger he’s just not built the same way.

I love the outdoors and hill walking and both DC are pretty keen but as a family we’re normally limited to what DS6 can manage.

DS9 is easily fit enough now to take on some peaks in Snowdonia. I’d love to take him away for a weekend to tackle a proper mountain. He’d love it. And it’d be nice to have some 1-1 time with him.

But DS6 would be gutted. He thinks (despite all evidence to contrary) he’s as capable as DS9. He’s also very attached to me so would be particularly jealous of me going away with just DS9.

WIBU to take DS9 away on his own?

That's OK though isn't it ? I mean the op Is allowed to have a thing they want to share with her son.

Tell us you have a favourite child, without telling us you have a favourite child.

I'd be taking DS2 away to build his confidence tbh.

My parents used to take us away separately (e.g. dad took my brother to Disney Paris for his 10th birthday, I went to Rome with my mum for for mine, and my youngest sister went to see a show in London).
We’d have all enjoyed the activities the others were doing but it was really nice to be able to spend 1:1 time with our parents without having to make compromises to suit our siblings (e.g. not going on some rides because our sister was too small, or not eating in a restaurant we really wanted to go to because my brother doesn’t like spicy food).
Because it was fair it didn’t lead to any resentment or jealousy.

I’d suggest talking to them both and saying that they both deserve a couple of treat weekends over the summer where they spend 1:1 time with you or their dad.
Allow them to tell you what they’d most like to do (obviously set some practical limits like budget).
Even if your oldest would enjoy the activity that the youngest picks it’s still DS2’s weekend with you on his own (it’s important to keep it fair). There must be some activities that you don’t really do with him because they’re too young for DS1.
Make the weekend that they spend at home with dad really special too (pizza and film night, favourite park/soft play, Pokémon go walk etc).
Just be prepared that your eldest might choose something other than walking up Snowden. Although if you can get them used to the idea that they both get treat weekends 1:1 then you could do this another time instead (obviously with a surprise treat weekend for DS2 too).

You can plan a weekend away with younger DS when he hits the same age?

As the youngest of four, this happened to me all the time. Whatever activity it was, it was something I looked forward to.

As I said above DS6 and I are really close. I don’t do favourites but I have a particularly tight bond with him - maybe just because he’s the youngest and still needs/wants me more. No-one who knows us would say DS6 is less favoured.

My dad was a really keen hiker and I picked it up from him and carried it on as an interest I shared with him into adulthood. My siblings weren’t as interested.

So yeah I’m excited that DS9 is showing an aptitude and interest. It’s something I’ve always loved and hoped I’d be able pass down to my children as my dad did with me.

Dh doesn't hill walk much now, but my Dd does and she has a partner who equally enjoys its lovely that you shared that with your dad and now your son.

You can have loving equal and fair relationships with children and not take them out together all the time.

We have a similar age gap but try to do as much as we can as a family. If we were doing this trip we'd probably do what a pp suggested, one parent taking the train with the younger one. We've taken them to theme parks when only the eldest could go on most of the rides and it was fine! The youngest was happy to watch and do the few rides they could manage. Plus you have the evening time as shared family time, just the experience of staying somewhere together, and the journey there and back.

I'm sure in the future we'll have to split activities more, but for us it's really important to experience as much family time together as we can - otherwise we end up just having separate lives while living in the same house, like housemates.

There must be some activities that you don’t really do with him because they’re too young for DS1

I‘ve just had a brainwave that DS9 only eats beige food whereas DS6 has slightly more adventurous tastes (and I’m a keen cook) so there’s maybe something in that which would lend itself to an activity we can do together - a cookery class or something. It fits the same mould as trying to share my passions with the DC - which may come across as self-interested but (as it did with my dad) I think it’s good to try find an shared interest that connects you.

We have the situation: DC1 has been able to hiking up anything since he could walk (slight hyperbole). DC2 likes hiking but finds it harder.

We go all together and then DC1 will do a hiking with DH on one/two of the days. That way everyone is happy.

I think taking just one when the other one likes the activity too is shitty.

Tell DS6 you’ll take him when he’s 9, and stick
to it

What strikes me is - you are happy to take your older child away on a weekend to do something that the younger one would want to do - but it doesn't seem like you are happy to take your younger child away to do something that your older child would want to do.

Why is that?

Yes that's exactly what I thought.

if you’re implying it’s favouritism as I’ve said before it’s absolutely nothing of the sort.

There’s a perfectly good reason for not taking the younger one on a serious mountain hike - that being he couldn’t do it and wouldn’t enjoy it (though he would enjoy a something less strenuous).

To the extent it’s age related, that seems fair enough to me (“DS9 is going on this trip because he is older, you can do it too when you’re his age”).

Excluding DS9 from something he would be able to do and enjoy doing simply to level the playing field seems somewhat unjust.

DS6 gets way more opportunities than DS9 did at the same age by virtue of being the youngest as most things we do are age-appropriate for him.

Just off the top of my head things that DS6 has done which DS9 hadn’t add the same age:
-has his own tablet
-been on sleepovers
-been skiing
-been to the theatre and cinema many times
-been on multiple foreign holidays
-plays video games
-been paddleboarding
-drunk fizzy drinks
-been to theme parks

He’s not exactly hard done by, bring the youngest has its advantages.

I do think that if you're willing to upset DS6 by not taking him, you should be willing to say to DS9 he can't come on a different day out because it's to cheer DS6 up from the walking trip.

But I do also think you have a convenient excuse in the age thing - you can just say you'll do the same with DS6 when he's that age. Why don't you do it when DS9 is 10? It's a neat age and makes it seem like a rite of passage.

I wouldn't do this no

Your decision is obviously made. Have a nice time. I hope your little one understands.

I have 2 weekends away booked with ds(13) this summer because we both love airshows. Dd(15) hates them and would hate it so she isn't coming. (She'll stay home with her dad, they'll probably go into the city and get a curry/go shopping).I love spendi g one to one time with just one of them.
I've never taken dd away alone because we don't have an interest in common that requires a weekend away but I've taken her to other things she loves (big concerts/gigs/shopping) just the two of us.
I think as long as both kids get to do stuff they love and both get special one to one time it's fine.

I am on board with doing one to one things with the kids who have different interests etc and I've done it with my own. But if the other kids REALLY wants to join in and would be excited to take part then it's a different matter and could really upset the dynamic between the brothers (and the self- image of the younger brother).

So far you have managed to

• Justify why you should take DS9 and not DS6 on a weekend away
• Justify why you shouldn’t take DS6 on an equivalent trip without DS9
• Justify why, in fact, DS6 is the luckiest of them all

I don’t really think you need our input, do you?

I would absolutely do this but, I'd find a weekend away to do with the younger one first and only then take the elder away.

As the six year younger child, in retrospect I recognise that this happened a lot in our family. It made me feel special to go away first and probably a tad patronising when encouraging my elder sister to have her 'turn'.

It's much easier for the elder sibling to understand what is going on in this circumstance.

Keep an eye out for age appropriate experiences, possibly alongside another friend, for company. Activity clubs can be a good source of suitable activities.

My DH does this - takes one daughter walking, but then takes the other away for the weekend to spend doing a different hobby the two of them share. It’s fine if you do something nice with both, but just doing the one is only going to breed resentment tbh.

I think, whatever spin you put on this, what both dc will remember is that you took dc1 on holiday and you didn't take dc2 on holiday.

There are plenty of holidays I'd love to go on that would be cheaper to only take one family member, but we are a family of 4 so we save up until all four of us can go.

I think doing this as a day's activity within a family holiday is not too bad, as long as the other parent does something nice with dc2, but excluding a dc from a holiday is pretty bad.

I dont think its a problem to do this particular activity with just the 9 year old. He didnt get to do it when he was 6 and the opportunity can be offered to DS2 when he is 9 if its something he is interested in. Obviously the parent staying home with him will organise something fun to do over that weekend too.