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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send adult daughter to her room??

247 replies

Auntieobem · 02/05/2023 20:29

Dd is 19, finishing off 2nd year st Uni so has been home for about 3 weeks. Has one exam to go- next week.

She does virtually nothing round the house. Will help.wash dishes if nagged, will do one load of washing a week if nagged. We're giving her £250 a.month to top up her student loan. She's just started to look at volunteering over the summer. We pay for her phone.

Her room is a tip. Dirty and clean clothes covering the floor, rubbish lying round the bin, damp towels on floor etc. I asked her to spend 30 mins tidying it. She said no. That she'd do it tomorrow. She always says that. I told her in that case she could go sit in her dirty room. I want to treat her like an adult, but she behaves like a 11 year old and is so entitled!

OP posts:

Callyem · 02/05/2023 20:30

Not unreasonable. If she wants to keep her room a state she can fester in it! Might inspire her to tidy up!

hoeaboutit · 02/05/2023 20:34

I went to university with girls like your daughter and it boils my blood that they don’t realise how bloody lucky they are. I didn’t get a penny of help from my parents, I worked myself to the bone, paying my own way. It was always the ones who had the bank of mum and dad to rely on that were work shy, never pulled their weight in group projects, left the halls kitchen/bathrooms in a state. And it’s not their fault, really. They’ve just not yet had to earn anything.
I do realise this is a sweeping generalisation. But it is my lived experience and what I’ve continued to notice through my 20s and early 30s. I would recommend adding some conditions to her receiving the £250 a month you currently give her. One of them being that is is only paid if her room is tidy.

TrashyPanda · 02/05/2023 20:37

She needs to get a job.

My DD and all her friends worked while they were at uni. It is totally normal. and she paid for her own phone.

if she is living at home now, why are you giving her money?

unfortunateevents · 02/05/2023 20:37

What do you mean she is starting to look at "volunteering"? Why isn't she getting a paying job for the summer? If she is home already that is months of work when she could be earning - and with such an early finish she will be first in line for many seasonal jobs.

LaLaLaNotListeningNotListening · 02/05/2023 20:39

I’d leave her to live in filth tbh. Don’t open her door then you can’t see it. Don’t do her laundry & let her worry about her clean clothes. Why stress yourself over the mess in her room?

Curtains70 · 02/05/2023 20:40

I see so many threads were parents are paying for their university age kids. Don't students work and study anymore? When I was at uni I had to work and so did all my friends. Then through the summer I'd work as many hours as possible to get some money behind me.

LobsterBiscuit · 02/05/2023 20:46

"Starting to look at volunteering" 🤣🤣 fuck me OP, stop being such a mug. She can't volunteer because she needs to go get herself a fucking job. What's wrong with you?

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 02/05/2023 20:46

@Curtains70 do you not know how much university costs now, and that parents have to contribute? Parents income is factored in to the loan students get. A part time job should be done, obviously, but wouldn’t even scratch the surface of the brutal costs involved.

Anyway, OPs daughter should be employed and a fully functional member of the household. Why has she been allowed to do fuck all?

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 02/05/2023 20:47

Erm make her get a job and stop funding her lazy arse! She’s not a child.

Original poster

Auntieobem · 02/05/2023 20:47

@LaLaLaNotListeningNotListening I stress because about a year ago I took that approach - its her room, let her live how she wants. Then we discovered the damp. A relatively new house, new double glazing, well heated etc - with damp in her room because of the way she was keeping it.

OP posts:

Pleasecreateausername13 · 02/05/2023 20:48

OP you can’t blame her….you are letting it happen.

You are giving her money she can live off. Take it away and see what she does.

Greenshake · 02/05/2023 20:49

Pleasecreateausername13 · 02/05/2023 20:48

OP you can’t blame her….you are letting it happen.

You are giving her money she can live off. Take it away and see what she does.

Exactly. Why are you funding her?

Backtothe90ties · 02/05/2023 20:50

Why are you giving her money? She’s living at home. My daughter is third year and we’ve paid for her mobile bill and she’s had to get a job to pay for herself. She doesn’t live at home either. She’s taking you for a mug.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/05/2023 20:51

You are literally paying her to disrespect your house.

Read that again.

JaninaDuszejko · 02/05/2023 20:52

Parents have always had to pay for students at University. My great grandparents paid for my grandfather to go to university in the 1920s, my grandparents paid for my Mum and my parents paid for me and I'll pay for my children.

Although, FWIW, although I didn't work during termtime I always got a summer job and I definitely worked hard at University and have the prestigious degree and PhD to prove it.

Just shut the door on her room and only do what is the least work for you.

WeWereInParis · 02/05/2023 20:54

Why are you paying her over the summer when she's at home? Surely that's for living expenses, but I assume you pay the bills and buy food when she's home?

Ilovetea42 · 02/05/2023 20:59

I think there is no excuse for the room being a tip and I'd tell her that either she starts to clean up and do x amount of cleaning a day (set it by tasks not time) then you'll reduce the amount she is topped up by. I would also remind her it'll be easier to study for her exams in a clean room. Now if she isn't doing it because she's flat out at the library working then I'd cut her slack until the exams are done but I'd still give her a hand to get the room sorted. If she's not that busy studying then no reason not to do it herself though.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/05/2023 21:00

Jesus wept OP, she can't afford to volunteer. She should be working. I'm was in the unfortunate position of being unable to financially help my DD during her university education except minimally here and there. She worked and supported herself. She is also a scruffy cow but I won't have it in my home. If she wants live like that in her own accommodation that's up to her. Stop paying for her phone and giving her money. She's taking the piss.

Throwawayme · 02/05/2023 21:02

She should be getting an actual paying job. Tell her you'll stop funding her if she doesn't pull her weight when she's at home.

adomizo · 02/05/2023 21:03

She needs to get a job..give her a LOT less money. Like a tenner..she won't respect you and your house continuing like this and she isn't learning necessary life skills.

Aslanplustwo · 02/05/2023 21:08

unfortunateevents · 02/05/2023 20:37

I agree. "Volunteering"???? Why can't she get a job, like other students do? I'm not in the UK, but I don't know any students who don't find some sort of employed work. At my last workplace we had students in over the holidays, some of them had holiday jobs, as well as evening jobs - and many of them also came from reasonably well-off families. Why on earth are you funding her if she won't help herself?

DustyLee123 · 02/05/2023 21:13

I had the messy room with my DD. She said to leave it because that’s how she wanted to live, I said no because it’s my house and I want it clean. So every week I’d go in and chuck everything off the floor onto her bed, then dust and hoover. She used to go mad, but I wasn’t living like that.

DustyLee123 · 02/05/2023 21:14

And yes, she should be working. Mine did.

Original poster

Auntieobem · 02/05/2023 21:16

The irony is that she has plenty of money without getting a job amd probably without us giving her any. She doesn't spend anything and has managed to save quite a bit of her minimum loan and when added to £ which her gran etc had been saving for her she's got about £20k or more in the bank.

I'm a mug.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 21:16

She needs a job. She can work full time for thr summer..

You're handing her everything. As a pp has said, she earns nothing and doesn't have to do anything so whay would she?

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