To send adult daughter to her room??

[Auntieobem]

Dd is 19, finishing off 2nd year st Uni so has been home for about 3 weeks. Has one exam to go- next week.

She does virtually nothing round the house. Will help.wash dishes if nagged, will do one load of washing a week if nagged. We're giving her £250 a.month to top up her student loan. She's just started to look at volunteering over the summer. We pay for her phone.

Her room is a tip. Dirty and clean clothes covering the floor, rubbish lying round the bin, damp towels on floor etc. I asked her to spend 30 mins tidying it. She said no. That she'd do it tomorrow. She always says that. I told her in that case she could go sit in her dirty room. I want to treat her like an adult, but she behaves like a 11 year old and is so entitled!

This makes sense, which is why I can't understand why she doesn't keep ot tidy. Her room at Uni is a tip too, but at least I don't have to see that!

OP you are clearly not wanting to get really tough with her. If you arent going to kick her out, which would be the best option, you need to tell her she has until such time or you will go in and clear out - which may involve throwing away stuff left on floors etc. For her to be causing damp in your house is outrageous.

It sounds as though the anxiety might be getting in the way of her being able to do everyday things, including keeping her room tidy etc. Is she getting help with the anxiety?

I would take away absolutely everything of hers that you fund so fast her head would spin. Her phone? Gone. Money? Nope, not a chance. I would also clean out her filthy room and take everything along with me.

It's insane that you are allowing her to treat you so disrespectfully in your own home. This little princess needs a sharp lesson.

Yes anxiety does have a lot to do with being unable to stay on top of things like cleaning, laundry and tidying. Someone who has social anxiety is likely to have generalised anxiety. Anxiety also goes hand in hand with depression.

OP, Id be wondering if your DD is struggling with her mental health beyond a bit of social anxiety? Has she seen her GP?

Sounds like my 16 year old autistic adhd daughter. Are you sure she's being lazy or is she actually unable to focus long enough to make a start on her room? It can take my kid a couple of months to build up the energy and headspace to clean her room, so in the meantime I do enough to prevent dank/ damp smells and build up of dishes etc.

Just as a perspective check…my DD worked paid shifts whilst studying a full on nursing degree over covid…..she was pulling 40 hours of study and 30 hours of paid work each week. She only took four weeks fully off. She only qualified end 2022.
Leave her bedroom and stop doing her clothes and toss little ‘mum’ extras as she is not sick just unmotivated.
Stop subbing her money as she clearly has no notion that it is something you earn not that your entitled too.

Nope, not going to consider throwing her out. That is so utterly ridiculous to me it's not ever going to happen.

Anyway - she has emerged with her washing and we now have a clear floor.

Stop paying her the money each money and for her phone. She can pay for it.

People say to just leave the room but it is mum who will have to clean up the tip and repair any damage she's done after she leaves.

Sounds like it's time for entitled DD to move out into a share and into the real world.

Moving out is NOT an option until after Uni

Your house your rules. Tell her once more to clean up or else in one hour you are going to go in there with bin bags and clear up for her. Start charging for digs and a premium rate for you cleaning up. Alternatively she can find her own accommodation.

You need to set minimum standards for her room. They can be simple and set to days or times eg
once a week she Hoovers.
every other day dirty clothes
daily airing of room for 10 minutes at 10am
You, her and DH have a family meeting. Rules are drawn up and pinned up in her room and also on house notice board. Alarms - with repeats added to phone.
If she can’t stick to it then back to her room at uni she goes (if possible) or an alternative consequence - which she agrees with you.
Start her off with a clean slate - together you, her and DH clean her room.
Ideally she should also be cooking 1 meal a week working up to two and cleaning a toilet or sink. But those are goals to work too. Is she doing her own washing? That could be an alternative option.
If she is capable of doing a degree then she is capable of these things too. She may just need some support and carrot/stick
Id be tempted to stop/reduce the 250 during the holidays. You know she has sufficient savings and you and DH could use it for a weekend or two away to give you a break.

Seriously how tidy are all adult rooms? Surely a few clothes that can be put away or in the basket don't cause mould?
I bet some of the adults commenting have clean laundry folded downstairs but not away yet or other jobs waiting to be done.
It's tidy again now so can't have really been a tip? If she can vacuum once a week an there's no dirty plates etc in there I'd let it go.

Choose your battles. No point in fighting over her not doing tiny bits of housework that would save you 10 minutes; stop doing her washing and don't cook anything for her that isn't already being made.

I'd dispute the idea that volunteering is better on a CV than a job. With very few exceptions anyone can volunteer for anything, it is no indication of skills or application. Getting and keeping any job shows initiative and reliability and the possibility of an excellent reference.

It's good that you aren't penalising her for having savings; my parents gave money to the spenders but not the ones who paid their way. Perhaps best way forward is not to ask for keep money, but don't give her £250 a month either?

BTW my daughter's room was a nightmare, she's grown up now and keeps her own house beautifully!

She needs to get a job. My 19 year old finished attending uni this week and won't be back until late September. I'd be going nuts if they didn't already have a p/t job!

On the other hand I have 2 lazy graduates back home for various reasons who don't want to lift a hand around the house!! I don't care if their bedroom's a tip, they're the ones in it, but at least they dump their wet towels in the bathroom.

Dd is that you???😉

My youngest sibling was never expected to do anything for themselves. Rooms at uni were pigstyes. Another sibling and I cleaned up once and they were mad!!

Over 50 now and house is a mess just the same. Love them dearly but their mess frustrates me even now!

But they don’t receive the full loan because of their parents’ income. Students from families on a low income receive more money so don’t have to work.

It isn’t really fair to then say that wealthier parents are giving their children money….the government won’t cover the full amount needed and expect parents to make up the shortfall.

I say this as someone on a low income whose child will get the full amount plus bursary.

Stop pussyfooting around her, you're doing her no favours at all.

Tell her to buy her own towels and bedding for a start. Then if they are damp and stink it’s down to her.

Some things in life are not negotiable

keeping a room in a decent state so that it is not damp/mouldy is very, very basic. She is showing you no respect, living at home, still taking your money even though she does not need it , is living like a slob and doing sweet FA. That’s a really crap way to treat people.

getting and keeping a job will look much better on a CV than just volunteering. Why doesn’t she work and do some volunteering in the evenings? Or hey, why doesn’t she actually pull her weight in the house and do the cleaning, and the washing and the gardening instead of just lounging around?

you say that moving out is “not an option” - but she is an adult. She can leave at any time. You cannot cushion her from the realities of the world forever. The whole aim of parenting is to prepare your children to live as independent adults. Babying a 19 year old is not constructive and only creates a selfish adult.

What a spoiled madam and it is of your own making.

None of that means their kids can't work part time though!

I have anxiety and must have a tidy living space. I 100% stand by the Tidy home, Tidy Mind saying. I'd recommend she reads Paul McKenna self helps books, there's one specifically for Anxiety. Also, if she gets the racing heart/panic attack feeling often, I have Bedranol Tablets (propranolol hydrochloride) which have worked well for me.

It's weird how we can't just block mess out, even when it's not in our personal living space. I have teenagers and have kept their room to a minimalist design. Everything has it's place. Even if their rooms do get abit messy, it takes them no time to put things back in 'its place'. Does she have enough storage? Or are her drawers/wardrobe cluttered? I can't deal with that. If she'd work with you to get organised once and for all, have a massive declutter/organisation spree, she'd find it so much less effort to keep on top of it all. It took me a while to teach the kids how to rapid clean, sometimes they can't see the mess because it's too overwhelming. But I can see it all individually so would stand and point out what to pick up and where to put it. They see the value in a cleanish room now.

Sorry that was all anxiety/cleaning related but I can only speak from my own experience as an anxiety sufferer. I agree my home is forever my childs home if they ever need it. Hopefully by helping her anxiety, it'll help her to want to keep her space better too.

Natural consequences - stop paying her £250 per month and use it to spend on getting a cleaner every week.

Win win. (You may even save money.)