To send adult daughter to her room??

[Auntieobem]

Dd is 19, finishing off 2nd year st Uni so has been home for about 3 weeks. Has one exam to go- next week.

She does virtually nothing round the house. Will help.wash dishes if nagged, will do one load of washing a week if nagged. We're giving her £250 a.month to top up her student loan. She's just started to look at volunteering over the summer. We pay for her phone.

Her room is a tip. Dirty and clean clothes covering the floor, rubbish lying round the bin, damp towels on floor etc. I asked her to spend 30 mins tidying it. She said no. That she'd do it tomorrow. She always says that. I told her in that case she could go sit in her dirty room. I want to treat her like an adult, but she behaves like a 11 year old and is so entitled!

The dampness is likely because of lack of ventilation, so you should go in and open the window each morning if she won't.

How do you think students can work and study with fees and the loan situation as they are? People in those kind of jobs can’t make ends meet without any university tuition to pay?

All the people suggesting kicking her out are being ridiculous. She is 19. Not a child but clearly not going to be able to afford her own place.
OP, I would suggest some ground rules. If she is living in your home, she needs to respect it. Room needs to be tidy, needs to be helping out in some form. Either washing up each night or cooking for the family.
I would also encourage paid work rather than volunteering but I can understand from the anxiety side that this may be difficult. I second the therapy idea as it could really help.

Could you say ‘look DD, it’s fine for you to sit and wallow in a messy bedroom but if you choose to do that and not contribute towards chores and stuff at home, we will stop your monthly top ups and you’ll need to pay for your an phone’.

I think the people who say kick their children out are totally unreasonable. If, as a parent, you kick your child out, you will never have a good relationship with them again. And if its because of something fairly minimal like not tidying their bedroom this will be even more so.

Of course you should speak to them, try to improve the situation but it is a load of nonsense to say make them move out.

Son the same age just back for summer. Direct debit stopped as we are feeding him and paying his phone. He has far less in the bank then your DD. He is expected to cook once a week as a minimum, do his own washing and help with cleaning. He also works.at a local hotel on bar every holiday. He's fine with this, he does all of the above at uni, he's an adult and we treat him like one as he behaves lime one. Maybe wait till the last exam and then have a conversation about both your expectations

Fuck me - my 17 year old daughter is at college and has a part time job in Wetherspoons. They don’t let under 18’s sell alcohol she mainly takes food orders - for her and her group it mixes with her social life, its not hard, they have a laugh, meet new friends one afternoon shift in the week and weekends she makes more than £250 a week - that she pisses away on whatever she wants , because that’s what you can do at that age.

You are not asking her to go out and dig the road up, or pick potatoes. She is well and truly mugging you off - and sadly its not her fault.

£250 a month, christ on a god damn pissing bike …

Haven't RTFT but on the first page it's all about the finances. I totally agree with everything said - but it seems to miss one massive point?

How dare she be so rude to you? Your house your rules. You asked her to tidy her room and she said no?? I'd be absolutely furious if my DC spoke to me like that or refused a direct request/instruction, regardless of age. She's so disrespectful, I'm not sure where you go from that.

Whatever you decide about finances, you need a serious talk with her and explain that if she wants to live with you in the holidays, she follows your rules, treats you with respect and basic good manners, and does her share around the house. That means helping with housework, shopping, cooking and cleaning, not just tidying her own room and washing her own clothes. How on earth does she cope at uni......?

I used to get in terrible trouble with my mum for having a messy bedroom when I was a teenager. Decades later it turns out I've got ADHD. Is your daughter also depressed at all?

Nursing students are not exactly a good comparative example, they get a substantially smaller amount of student debt as part of their degree costs are covered by the NHS and they also receive university bursaries.

The vast majority of other degrees don’t offer students the opportunity to work paid shifts either.

Your house, your rules!
Tell if she doesn't like it, she should sling her hook!
It's all very well you making a rod for your own back, no sympathy but by the sounds of it, you've allowed her to turn into an entitled, spoiled brat, that will expect to be able to hold that attitude in society at large.

not for much longer! tough love X

Op, anxiety and procrastination may be at the heart of the issue especially if she is easily distracted.

I have found that what worked for DS was to have good routines and a very clear set of rules about what he was expected to do and the consequences of not doing it.

Obviously, all went out of the window when he started living away when he went to uni and there’s not much I can do about his room there but, after his first visit at home, which he spent pretty much doing nothing and sleeping a lot, I put a stop of it by making it a condition for him to come and stay here to:

1. keep his room clean,
2. help with house chores (especially cleaning up his mess after he used the kitchen)
3. integrate with family life like joining us at meal times, making an effort to participate in conversations and be considerate with the needs of other people in the house. This is not a hotel after all.

I am not going to say that this has completely solved the problem, not at all, but it made things better. He is now seeing himself as an adult part of the household, he even calls me when he is out to ask if I need him to get something from the supermarket (and he pays if he does!)

I know this may be too much for some people but I learned the hard way that the process of growing up and maturing as a responsible adult is stunted if you keep dealing with them as if they are children.

I wouldn't condition her receiving assistance while at University on how she maintains her room Just as many young people from families who assist them financially become responsible, productive, and successful adults as do kids who have to work and borrow to pay for University. I would imagine that a significant amount of your motivation to work and succeed was to be able to provide well for your children.

I would not stop providing the monthly assistance to your daughter, but I would suggest that she find an room or apartment that she can maintain up or down to her personal standards. I would give her 3 months to either clean up her room or to move into her own room or apartment.

No, but her flatmates do.

There's a lad on my DS's corridor in his halls who leaves the shared kitchen in an absolute state. Food splattered everywhere, pots and pans unwashed in the sink, mugs and plates growing mould in the kitchen. His room is much the same and whilst his girlfriend seems blind to the filth, the rest of the lads he lives with aren't. This means they talk about him when he isn't there and they are picking their way through his mess, and passive-aggressively pile his washing up outside his door. If your daughter is living like this, her flatmates will be talking about her behind her back, and this will not help her self-esteem in the slightest.

Please help her to help herself.

20 grand in the bank, she lives at home with you and you're giving her £250 a month?!
Christ on a bike, no wonder she thinks she doesn't have to do anything like tidy up!
Definitely be stopping that. She needs to learn to pay her own way, you're not helping her in the long run.

@Auntieobem I'm curious if she can't get a job because of social anxiety. How on earth will she be able to have a career post university??

I'd be tempted to say so, either you tidy your room and keep it at least sanitary (clean clothes out etc fine), or I'll use that £250 a month to pay a cleaner to come in and do it for you, and it won't cost the £250 but I'll keep the excess as a fine. Your choice. Then let her decide on it.

Seriously ? My daughter has been under CAHMS since she was 13 - discharged now, she’s 18. The last two years she has amazed me - college, part time job, joined netball team etc. We used to have family meetings with her and staff which became more focused on personal responsibility - ie doing things step by step, in spite of anxiety - learning that she can expect to feel anxious and thats fine - it doesn’t have to stop her. If she is already at Uni she is more than capable of coping and cleaning her room, anxiety and depression are the common colds of mental health, yes its horrid, but the world would come to a standstill if everyone with this allowed it to stop them cleaning up.

After GCSEs she went to a college and over two years the change is huge - all down to her hard work. Paradoxically it is the doing stuff while anxious that made the anxiety leave and she is no longer anxious and if she is she doesn’t care. I carry something her therapist said with me which is ‘the path to recovery is simple, but it is not easy, it requires allowing yourself to fall, to be prepared to hit that bottom, again and again and then learning there is no bottom to hit and there never was’. My daughter was an adolescent inpatient twice, she now gives talks to other girls and women about overcoming anxiety.

I also have had my own mental health challenges and it is by doing that we move forward.

Finally the voice of common sense! The mess is probably more likely to be related to her age than any particular laziness or defiance. Without exception, all
of my formerly messy friends at uni are fully functioning tidy adults now!

Don’t waste your time micromanaging her bedroom op. If she wants to live in a sty that’s her choice. Step away. Just ask her to open her window daily or she will be paying for damp repair. Don’t do her washing or cooking.

I agree about not asking them to leave. It’s just as much their home as yours. And if she has done so well to save up that amount of money; she obviously can afford to volunteer if she wants to. Just re-negotiate the allowance situation accordingly.

@Curtains70 things are so much more competitive now. Many grad jobs won’t take you unless you have a 2:1 or 1st, very often a masters/PhD/suitable experience is required and again, you can’t get that without a 2:1 or 1st.

In my parents day they breezed along doing fa, working alongside and got away with a 3rd, still went on to have prof jobs as only 14% of people went to Uni. Now it is 40%.

Parents are paying so that their child’s degree classification isn’t screwed up by them having to work in Nando’s 20hrs pw instead of studying.

Also @Auntieobem Considering your daughters anxiety issues, presentation of her room and the fact she hasn’t blown money on socialising the way most students would. I would look into her potentially being ND. It wouldn’t hurt to look at strategies to organise people who are ADHD/ASD. It might be what she needs. There is a brilliant website called ADDitude.

I thoight the same thing. Mum to a 6 year old PDAer and very very similar

Stop giving her money. Tell her she cleans her room or she pays for a cleaner to come in and do it. One of those extreme ones who deal with hoarders etc. Tell her if there is any damp or disrepair then she pays for that too. I was at university over 45 years ago and it was clear then who was brought up to tidy and clean their own spaces. It's disrespectful and disgusting to leave a room like a tip, and that is what she is doing to you.

Yes I suppose things have changed since I went although I'm not (that) old 🤣. That being said myself and all my friends managed at least 2.1 degrees (whilst working)

It seems like the loan situation is different now as well so I do understand parents contributing if their income means zero or less loan. However £250 a month even in summer when they're living at home? Come on now thats madness.

Even from 16 if I wanted money I had to work for it. It was just so normal when I was younger, all my friends had part time jobs. I guess things are different now