To send adult daughter to her room??

[Auntieobem]

Dd is 19, finishing off 2nd year st Uni so has been home for about 3 weeks. Has one exam to go- next week.

She does virtually nothing round the house. Will help.wash dishes if nagged, will do one load of washing a week if nagged. We're giving her £250 a.month to top up her student loan. She's just started to look at volunteering over the summer. We pay for her phone.

Her room is a tip. Dirty and clean clothes covering the floor, rubbish lying round the bin, damp towels on floor etc. I asked her to spend 30 mins tidying it. She said no. That she'd do it tomorrow. She always says that. I told her in that case she could go sit in her dirty room. I want to treat her like an adult, but she behaves like a 11 year old and is so entitled!

This is such privilege. You’ll be surprised to know that not all people have parents who can afford to pay for or contribute towards university.

@Skint247 …… yes the idea is you save towards the child’s education. Or try and dial down your debt in advance anticipating the cost.

We have had savings accounts from birth and bigger gap in age so they wouldn’t be in higher education at the same time.

Besides which we already spend about £250 a month per DC (between bday parties/Xmas/clothing/haircuts/toiletries/hol activities/school activities/extra childcare. So it’s just carrying it on longer…

Maybe it’s easier to see the cost as we have a separate account for all child related costs (bar increased mortgage/utilities/food).

I mean I don’t understand, you feed, clothe, and provide for them until 18… and then poof that money’s disappeared somewhere?!

@Skint247 whenever I had exams on I focused pretty much exclusively on them because I needed a 1st to get into a competitive post grad.

Cleaning really wasn’t the number one priority.

If it were my child and everything was in chaos as OP described, I’d be trying to help them and ask them why they aren’t coping and what’s going on with the course.

Rather than dock 3k income in exam week.

If she didn’t have savings people would be saying that’s uncalled for.

@Lovemusic33 have you tried any of the usual intervention strategies to help such as visual schedules etc? Just out of interest as we are not at the teen stage with ND DC yet.

@Robinni maybe some of us bettered our life's as we went on as we have as we never had uni education etc , when our kids were young we could not save etc there was no money, welcome to the real world and my kids did not cost £350 a month each,thats for sure.
only rich people should have children are you saying? My ds copes just fine with a couple hrs of housework , I mean one day he will have to work full time and do housework
nobody studies 24/7 ,an hr a week or so tidying is not going go drop your results , just makes for entitled people who think the world revolves around them.
shock horror but people even do degrees whilst running a home and a full time job.
some people are just not in touch with reality for many many people.
life changes sometimes happen to , not everything can be planned.
I think we have done fine , we have a DS who worked to go to university , understands the value of money and can chip in an hr or so a week to keep things a little tidy as he appreciates we work hard too. He knows life is not free and knows we help him out the best we can but cannot afford to make up the £5000 a year maintenance loan.

@Skint247 ……… we were given money for DC when they were born/got christened; that’s gone into their savings pot, if they get bday or Xmas money - in it goes, and we only put a small amount away each month but it’s enough to be a buffer.

We aren’t rich. But we do forward plan.

I can break down the £250.00 a month (not £350.00) (which includes child benefit) for you if you wish, it’s probably comparable to what most spend and a lot less than some.

People who do full time work and Uni degree are generally mature students and believe me they have little quality of life, a pile of stress and lesser grades for it which calls into question the point of doing the degree.

Everyone is entitled to their own life choices ie having numerous children on low income and buying cars on finance. If your kids were happy to accept that no support was forthcoming and they had to work extra hours to compensate for this that’s grand.

Our choices are different, 18 years notice was enough time to get things in order for us.

@Skint247 whenever I had exams on I focused pretty much exclusively on them because I needed a 1st to get into a competitive post grad.

Cleaning really wasn’t the number one priority.

@Robinni hanging damp towels up to dry immediately after use rather than leaving them on the floor to create mould, and taking dirty crockery (that belongs to the entire household) into the kitchen after use, is hardly onerous. Plus, it's good practice when studying to take regular breaks (been there, done that) and she could use one of her breaks to keep on top of mess.

If she wants to leave her clothes and uni stuff all over her room that's fine, it doesn't affect the household, but she does need to be less selfish about other things.

YANBU. She’s acting like a child so deserves to be treated like one. She needs to get a job and join the real world, drop the £250 top up otherwise she’ll never grow up. I say this as a lecturer and as a parent myself. Too many students are lazy and entitled.

Completely agree with you.

I just don’t agree with the timing of tackling the problem.

Nor docking £250 top up.

Because those on full finance are not being subjected to that, no matter what way they behave - they get their money no questions asked.

I think middle to upper class students should be treated equally.

YABU for facilitating it.

Easy peasy.

If she doesn't want to help, then don't blow your blood pressure trying to make her.

Just remove what you provide until she pulls her finger out. And invest in earplugs. Pay her phone bill tomorrow etc

Also @Skint247

As far as I can see the maintenance loan for 23/24 is £8,400, with the minimum paid being £3698 leaving a deficit of £4702

But that isn’t to say you hand your kid that out of your income… if they stay at home and you provide bed and board you are actually providing in excess of that expected (if you take into account what they would be spending independently, conservation estimates below).

accom £300 pm = £3600
food £40pw = £2080
utilities £100pm = £1200
tot = £6880

I find it problematic where parents are assessed as financially able to contribute and don’t when the student is living in halls/flat or that they ask their child to contribute “to the house”. Ie they are giving them nothing despite ample income and then charging them to stay at home. I think both circumstances are shitty.

Stop paying her anything. I can't comfortably afford to, so my daughter has had a part-time job throughout uni (except in part of lockdown), pays for her own phone etc. I subsidised a family holiday for her and occasionally bail her out with a loan when she has a cash flow problem, and give her fairly generous ££ for birthday and Christmas, but that's it.
She used to be a messy nightmare before uni but has grown up 90% improved and now nags her younger brother!

All the people saying it's so unfair to cut the top-up... she's at home being provided for and studying hard so I can't see why she needs any extra money for the month!? Personally I would only expect the bare minimum in cleaning and tidying, and wouldn't think of sending her to her room, but wouldn't be paying her for expenses she is not incurring.

@LieInsAreExtinct
She is not at home being provided for - SHE IS IN HALLS

She came home for a bit over the exam period, probably expecting some support.

I just checked - the Halls I stayed at now cost £8,500 (for a 9 month period); for uncatered the cheapest at that uni are £5,700, average £7,000. I had phone, some food, transport, uni supplies, clothing, general living costs on top of this.

Which is why I think it is crap to have cut the £250.00

I mean do the math.

If OP's daughter (with top up) has £8,400 per year.

And is paying for cheapest halls circa £5,700.

That would leave her with £2,700 per year, £225 per month.

If the OP drops the £250 per month in that scenario she isn't going to be able to afford her uni accommodation.

And she'll be back home with OP, which I'm sure she'll love as she's tolerated her being back 3wks SO well.

Sounds like you’re dealing with a monster of your own making.

set boundaries or house rules, or kick her out. But please reflect on your own role in how she’s turned out. Maybe your flawless and have a shitty kid, or maybe helping around the house and dealing with entitlement should’ve been established long ago.

also realize by the end of semester she is likely drained, physically, emotionally, mentally. If it isn’t chronic then just show compassion and pick up the slack.

@Robinni very privileged to be able to think giving out £250 a month is no big deal
and child benefit for many of us we used to clothe our children etc, not every child goes to uni , in fact many don’t . Even the full loan is not enough, my ds rent for year one was over £7000 , travel and food the remainder would not cover. Still anyone doing an exam can cope with 1 hr a week helping tidy up and generally just chucking clothes in the wash basket. The fact you cannot see its not so easy for others shows you really don’t understand how many are on the breadline for years and also how life events can change many plans .

@Robinni you are easily fallen into the govermemts trap to think that people can afford to top up loans in the thousands every year and maybe for a couple of kids etc. uni is going to be only for the super rich again, £40000 or £5000 joint income for a couple is not huge by any stretch in this day and age with house prices , energy bills etc
I bet you don’t fall in this bracket and can still afford £250 to hand out per month, and the fact you think OP should do all her dd housework, including room and washing . She is not a paid maid, in our house all help out , we all have work, jobs , study etc
student parents income thresholds haven’t gone up for years either so not very reflective of todays living costs

@Motheranddaughter the system isn’t that fair though is it? Not everyone can afford to top it up.
look at the thresholds not exactly high and not amended much over many years
i know my bills are not the same as they were even 2 years ago

@Robinni Its maths by the way. OP said Gp also give money and not actually said wether they top up the loan
the dd has saved £20000 in couple years so must be getting more than just the loan , do the maths

The system isn’t fair,but I can’t do very much about that
It should be made clearer,earlier that their is an expectation that parents will support their children at Uni

I went full time at work to allow me to do so

@Motheranddaughter we are already full time at work and have been for years , at times having multiple jobs so our kids had things when younger etc.
my ds was happy to take a gap year and work and save for uni as he knows we cannot afford to top up the £4500 difference , plus even max loan would be a push with no other income.
we pay his mobile, he lives rent free obviously when home and also did throughout his gap year.
I send some money when we can for food etc, paid for his things he needed for room as picked bits up over the months etc, we help as much as we can but its unrealistic to think all parents can help to top up to the loan amount, which in itself is not that much to live on after accommodation
when he graduates and moves home he can also live rent free for a while so he can save up.
the point is op dd must be doing ok as has saves £20000 so no need for the £250 now whilst at home and only right she should help out with some basic chores and cleaning up after themselves, even if only once a week clears room of washing and
cups etc

@NoThanksymm

This is where I was coming from as well

also realize by the end of semester she is likely drained, physically, emotionally, mentally. If it isn’t chronic then just show compassion and pick up the slack.

Of all the times to expect things to slide it would be now.

Behind OP trying to get her to be more responsible in regard to chores. But right now I’d be more concerned about her well being and how she’s coping if a small amount of housework is unachievable.

@Skint247 as already said - the £250 per month per child (£3000pa) does go towards clothing. Our DC are under the age of ten.

Annual expenses that come to mind are
Clothing: £500-600 (Next/M&S)
School Uniform: £150-250
Haircuts/Toiletries: £150
Xmas/Bday/Easter presents/party/activities: £1000
Holiday schemes (childcare): 9wks @ £65 - £125 = £585 - £1,125
Footie/After school/Swimming: £1000
Total: £3385-4,125

As you can see it’s over budget… but we try to balance it out - some years more expensive than others depending on what they do, what childcare we need and how quickly they grow.

My point is we can afford this now in covering costs so why stop whenever they enter education and need help with the exorbitant accommodation costs. The things the money will be spent on by that point will be different, but otherwise not a wild lot of difference.

(by the by before anyone jumps on about the bday/Xmas etc - consider the cost to take a family to the aquarium which we do a few times a yr, Nintendo switch which we’re purchasing this yr is £275, and even if you have a bday celebration at home it’s minimum £100-150 for cake, food etc for family to come round)

Agree even the full loan of £8400 is far from enough and most have to work the recommended 15hrs pw on top to cover their costs. Which is why I don’t see why parents would want to short change them further.

Yes there can be issues where unexpected things happen like disability or job loss. But most can handle their shit. If you are skint 24/7 on an income of £60k then either you are living beyond your means or failing to budget. Or both.