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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send adult daughter to her room??

247 replies

Auntieobem · 02/05/2023 20:29

Dd is 19, finishing off 2nd year st Uni so has been home for about 3 weeks. Has one exam to go- next week.

She does virtually nothing round the house. Will help.wash dishes if nagged, will do one load of washing a week if nagged. We're giving her £250 a.month to top up her student loan. She's just started to look at volunteering over the summer. We pay for her phone.

Her room is a tip. Dirty and clean clothes covering the floor, rubbish lying round the bin, damp towels on floor etc. I asked her to spend 30 mins tidying it. She said no. That she'd do it tomorrow. She always says that. I told her in that case she could go sit in her dirty room. I want to treat her like an adult, but she behaves like a 11 year old and is so entitled!

OP posts:
Greenshake · 02/05/2023 21:18

She has £20k in the bank and you are still handing her £250 a month?

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 21:18

Jesus stop giving her the 250 now!. She is well able to support herself. And if she got a job shed be better off again.

MrsMitford3 · 02/05/2023 21:18

Of course she needs to get a job!!

Elfandwellbeing · 02/05/2023 21:18

Money talks… don’t pay her.
she should work over the summer anyway.

frostyfeb · 02/05/2023 21:18

Def would not give her money when she is at home.

Yes parents contributing is included in children's finance at university. I know my parents income was included but they didn't give me anything. I had a summer job and worked every weekend in a shop while at Uni and for the same company when I went home in the holidays.

I don't think my parents would allow me to do nothing and keep a messy room

user1496146479 · 02/05/2023 21:19

Cannot believe I am reading this!! She would get nothing from me until she ups her game!!
Making a mockery of you OP!

Secondwindplease · 02/05/2023 21:20

I'm a mug.

Yes, you are. And you are doing your daughter no favours.

TheMarzipanDildo · 02/05/2023 21:20
  1. ignore her room, it’s her space
  2. tell her to get a job!
FrostyFifi · 02/05/2023 21:21

On the positive side, I'm quite impressed at how good at saving she is! At 19 I pissed eveything I had up a wall.

hoeaboutit · 02/05/2023 21:22

Auntieobem · 02/05/2023 21:16

The irony is that she has plenty of money without getting a job amd probably without us giving her any. She doesn't spend anything and has managed to save quite a bit of her minimum loan and when added to £ which her gran etc had been saving for her she's got about £20k or more in the bank.

I'm a mug.

She’s got 20 grand in the bank at 19 years old and you’re adding to that while she treats your home and you with disrespect!
You are a mug and you can blame yourself for her sense of entitlement.

Namechanger1002 · 02/05/2023 21:23

Are you for real? I am a single mum of 4 children with no support and my children show respect in our family home. They have gone to uni and college and worked for any extra money they needed. They have a good work ethic. Why do you allow this?

littleripper · 02/05/2023 21:23

Do it back!

"Mum, you haven't transferred my money"
Rolls eyes "I'll do it tomorrow" (don't)

"mum there are no clean towels"
etc

etc

etc

wispatwirl · 02/05/2023 21:26

TheMarzipanDildo · 02/05/2023 21:20

  1. ignore her room, it’s her space
  2. tell her to get a job!

I'm sorry, but it's only her space at 19 if she's paying rent or the mortgage. She's very lucky to have such good parents who ask and seem to expect very little of her. Which is a good job really, as she does very little in the house. I think the least she can do is keep her room clean and not live like a dirty slattern.

Motheranddaughter · 02/05/2023 21:26

The room thing I just shut their doors and left them to it
Ours all worked the summer holidays but usually in intern type jobs that were useful for their future careers and we paid their allowances throughout
They seemed to come out the other side ok !

Thedogscollar · 02/05/2023 21:27

Jesus wept she has 20k in the bank and you are giving her £250 a month to assist her in living like a slob in your house. She is playing you like a fiddle OP.
Tell her to step up or get out.

Original poster
Auntieobem · 02/05/2023 21:28

Agree with most of what's been said. Will talk to do re stopping the monthly payment. Not sure what ultimatums I can give her though. I wouldn't make her move out, have always been clear with my children that they'll always have a home here. She has a younger sister (who does much more than she does) and I think she hasn't realised that she's not a kid any more.

Not to drip feed ( but to drip feed!) She has social anxiety and applying for volunteering has been a huge step for her.

OP posts:
Namechanger1002 · 02/05/2023 21:30

I disagree that they are good parents - an adult with 20k in the bank who still receives £250 a month and won’t contribute to household chores?
Fuck me what am I reading!

rumpsteak · 02/05/2023 21:30

You are being unreasonable by funding her. She needs to get a job.

Original poster
Auntieobem · 02/05/2023 21:31

@Motheranddaughter thanks. The volunteering is in an area that would help with her CV more than a job which she'd be able to get.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 02/05/2023 21:31

Being anxious has nothing to do with keeping your room clean and helping around the house.

Original poster
Auntieobem · 02/05/2023 21:33

Thedogscollar · 02/05/2023 21:31

Being anxious has nothing to do with keeping your room clean and helping around the house.

Very much agree with this. Does make it trickier to deal with though.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 02/05/2023 21:33

If she isn’t willing to do housework she will need to get an impart time paying job over the summer so she can pay her way.

AltheaVestr1t · 02/05/2023 21:35

Households get by on cooperation and everyone pulling their weight. If DD isn't pulling hers, I would stop doing chores for her. No washing. No cooking. No washing of dishes etc. She'll soon understand that she has to contribute her part.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/05/2023 21:35

Her room is an extension of her, keeping it clean and tidy will help with her anxiety, she's 19, take the kid gloves off, it's not helping her.

Original poster
Auntieobem · 02/05/2023 21:37

Those of you who are saying that because she has saved money and not pissed it all away we should no longer give her an allowance - if she'd spent it instead and didn't have the savings should we then give her an allowance? The way I see it the £ she's saving will help either fund further study after her degree or help with housing costs when she does move out.

OP posts: