To send adult daughter to her room??

[Auntieobem]

Dd is 19, finishing off 2nd year st Uni so has been home for about 3 weeks. Has one exam to go- next week.

She does virtually nothing round the house. Will help.wash dishes if nagged, will do one load of washing a week if nagged. We're giving her £250 a.month to top up her student loan. She's just started to look at volunteering over the summer. We pay for her phone.

Her room is a tip. Dirty and clean clothes covering the floor, rubbish lying round the bin, damp towels on floor etc. I asked her to spend 30 mins tidying it. She said no. That she'd do it tomorrow. She always says that. I told her in that case she could go sit in her dirty room. I want to treat her like an adult, but she behaves like a 11 year old and is so entitled!

Yeah, you are a mug, OP. Give her a list of minimum standards of behaviour, and tell her that if she doesn't shape up, you'll cut off her allowance, and then kick her out the house. Sure, she's going to kick off, but in the long run you'll be doing BOTH of you a favour.

Stop paying her, she needs a job.

With 20k in the bank she should be paying you bpard and lodgings each month!! [Even if you save it to give her later when she needs it]

I'm not necessarily suggesting this for your anxious daughter, but does make me smile when I think of it.
My friend would clear his DC’s rooms, anything on the floor, left out on surfaces, leftover food, all put into black bin bags. On each bag a big sticker with the date of the next bin collection on it.

Stuff still in the bag by the date, would be put out for the bin collections.

It worked, bag empty...😉

If she’s got £20K in the bank she doesn’t need an allowance anymore. Tell her you are stopping it / halving it and pay for a cleaner.

Oh my god what! 🫣 I'd stop giving her money, or at least set out conditions she has to abide by in order to get it such as keeping her room clean, doing her own washing and helping round the house.
I'd also have a night where she has to cook for the family, incase she can't cook this will certainly teach her some life skills!

Or just pay the 250 a month to a psychologist / counsellor for the anxiety!

Oh dear . Set up to fail in life . Entitled . No regard for others and expecting it all is n plate . Do your daughter a favour and show her some tough love . You will thank me later

The standing order has been cancelled. Until she goes back to Uni. There'll be a grown up conversation tomorrow about expectations and responsibilities.

I would never suggest throwing her out. Of course not. But I just don’t get the lack of respect from her to you. To me it is alien. Reading stuff like this makes me almost glad my children don’t get as much as yours because mine grow up contributing, with respect for our family, our home and an appreciation of money.

Stop paying her money and stop paying for her phone. Tell her to shape up or ship out. She's an adult. She needs a job. There are no shortage of jobs nowadays.

Students from families on a low income receive more money so don’t have to work.

This simply isn't the case. Even the full maintenance loan isn't enough to cover outgoings, especially in towns where rents are high, such as London, Brighton and Bristol.

OP, my DD is wonderful - bright, mature, kind, great company. But her bedroom when she comes home disgusts me. You literally cannot see the floor, because she just upends everything out on to it. It is a struggle every time - I have no idea why. What I do is give her 48 hours to clear it and say that after that time I will do it and everything on the floor will go in bin bags and be chucked out. I say that since she doesn't value these things, as she just dumps them on the floor, that really shouldn't bother her. She goes absolutely ballistic but then she sorts out her room. If she didn't, it goes without saying that I would carry out my threat.

20k?

I'm gobsmacked.

I'd tell her to get a paid job, at least in the university holidays.

My DC all have the full maintenance loan and I don't give them any extra. My contribution is that I feed and water and house them in the holidays, give them lifts when needed, pay for bits of this and that while they're at home.

I'm chronically untidy so I am not fussed about what they do in their rooms, but I do withhold favours/lifts if they don't do at least a bare minimum of shared household jobs.

My youngest has social anxiety but because I'm thoroughly mean, I have shovelled her off to a paid job in the holidays because a) she needs the money; and b) social anxiety is a luxury she can't afford to have, so she needs to crack on with it.

She has actually been really proud of the fact that she's had a job which has meant interacting with the public. It has increased her confidence, and she's glad she has done it.

hmm it’s tricky because when I think back to my friends at that age, the girls that were treated like children acted like children if that makes sense? I’d maybe go with indifference and cutting her allowance.

The she can get her own flat!

My parents deliberately kept my allowance closely tied to what they thought I needed. My brother got less than me because he wasn’t spending any and it was to cover expenses.

Re the state of her room. Let her know any damp towels/clothes/rubbish will go in the bin on a daily basis and she’ll have to pay for her own new towels/clothes etc if she ruins them.

She can work full time in the holidays if she signs up with a recruitment agency.

Surely she won't leave university with zero work experience and no money? Then expect a premium salary for having a degree 🤦‍♀️

Not when they live at home.

My son is finishing his degree this year and it is assumed / required that he has to do volunteering in his area in order to move forward. ie. To get a paid job or to apply for a Masters.

He won’t get anywhere without volunteering and for him it will involve travelling abroad. So an expensive requirement with no immediate financial gain until after it’s completed and he can use that experience and put it on his CV.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable…

But maybe leave the intervention until exams are over eh?

Whenever I was studying everyone’s room/flat/house descended into chaos as the focus became revision and the stress was on.

If she doesn’t clean her room for a week it makes shag all difference to anyone’s life. If she cocks up an exam because you’ve decided to nark about laundry when she’s trying to revise it could have a long lasting negative impact.

Get the priorities in order.

That’s disgusting I was doing my own washing at 11 because I didn’t want my mum sorting through my dirty knickers. What does she need £250 for? I would be cutting that right back to cover basic’s. She wants to behave like a child treat her like one.

Yikes… so you did this when she’s in exam season whenever she suffers from anxiety….

Totally agree with you doing so and expecting better of her. But the timing of this intervention 😬 can’t you remember what uni exam season was like?!

Hope everything pans out and you can get a more workable arrangement with her. And that she gets that 20k invested into ISA of some description, help her with house deposit when the time comes.

Please don’t! Not now during her exams when you know she suffers from anxiety. If you’re going to try the tough love approach at least wait until after she has sat her exams.

Doing it now and coming down on her like a ton of bricks tomorrow is cruel.

Do you know what she's young, she probably has an element of PDA in her. If she's anxious I can see how she would find things difficult. I have a family member with ASD and she is less capable than her younger sibling. Anxiety is part of this. I would say stop finding her but then leave her to make her own mess. Literally.

*funding