To send adult daughter to her room??

[Auntieobem]

Dd is 19, finishing off 2nd year st Uni so has been home for about 3 weeks. Has one exam to go- next week.

She does virtually nothing round the house. Will help.wash dishes if nagged, will do one load of washing a week if nagged. We're giving her £250 a.month to top up her student loan. She's just started to look at volunteering over the summer. We pay for her phone.

Her room is a tip. Dirty and clean clothes covering the floor, rubbish lying round the bin, damp towels on floor etc. I asked her to spend 30 mins tidying it. She said no. That she'd do it tomorrow. She always says that. I told her in that case she could go sit in her dirty room. I want to treat her like an adult, but she behaves like a 11 year old and is so entitled!

My parents helped me out during university but I also had a job. They wouldn’t have helped otherwise. She sounds v immature and lazy. Cut the money off until she behaves like and adult and gets working!

Stop, or significantly reduce what you're giving her by way of a top-up. She can take over paying for her phone.

Oh, and if she keeps her room as a tip, take the door off the room. When she starts to keep it tidy, the door goes back. Just because she has a bed in your home doesn't automatically mean that she gets a door to that room.

She’s been handed £20k???? Bloody hell. I was thrown out at 16 and have never anything more than peanuts in my bank in the 22 years since. Twenty grand?! What on earth does a 19yr old need with twenty grand?! That’s insane

There are so many young adults with all sorts of anxiety now that I wonder how society will function when all the mums and dads retire.
There is no mental health care to support our young folk and work experience at schools is so hard to get as nobody will take them on for 2 weeks.

But we also enable our children by giving them money so they don’t have to earn their own. My mum had nothing and my step dad controlled all the money. I had to work 2/3 jobs to get through uni and then no safety net as they were overseas when I finished uni so had to get a house and a job. Had to beg them to be guarantor and that was held over me until I managed to get rental agent to take it off after 6 months.
kids can’t get little jobs at 13/14 as nobody will take them until 16 for insurance etc.

my teenager Y9 can’t wait to move out because then they can get a dog. I’ve always said no to a dog. Will be gutted when they go but they have ambition

Don't ever ever do this, it is abusive. What a thing to suggest, you know this is a reason many struggle when sectioned, lack of toilet doors, and most inpatient areas have adapted this old fashioned idea due to how much damage to mh lack of privacy causes.

I had terrible crippling social anxiety at 19. I was at uni and came home over the summer to live with my parents. They did not give me a single penny towards the cost of living at university and so I had to work full time over the summer to save to live during term time. This was hard with social anxiety, I was too shy to look most people in the face and would blush red if anyone teased me. Working like that was the best thing for me. It helped me to overcome the social anxiety and realise that the world does not revolve around me and what I'm doing.

I did voluntary work related to my career ambitions at the weekend. The skills I gained in the full time work during the week were very valuable to my career as I learnt how to function in a workplace. Doubly important as a young person with social anxiety.

My Three went to private schools BUT aged 16 they all had to get jobs weekend and school holidays two in hospitality one in farming. We paid for university, tuition, accommodation, food. BUT every holiday they came home and worked. That was their fun money.

They had to learn to budget. I'm relieved that they all have a tremendous work ethic two self employed working long hours for themselves now. The third 21 is working for someone in England who thinks Welsh kids must be special because they work so hard.

It starts at home. Parents who have as teenagers worked need to instill a work ethic into their children.

In that case, I'd tell her that unless she starts cleaning up after herself and keeping her room in a decent state, she can stay in her uni accommodation or, if that's not possible, pay for an airbnb as you're not housing a slobby adult who treats your living space with complete disrespect.

If she has so much money, there's no financial reason why you have to house her.

@Curtains70 It’s 3k per year…. A lot of parents are paying accommodation costs of £300-800 per month for halls + living costs too (if no maintenance loan/grant).

The maintenance loan is calculated based on parental income. The idea is that if the maintenance loan is reduced due to parental income that they will make up the difference so that all students have comparable income.

The fact that many parents fail to support their children and leave them at a disadvantage by contrast to their peers is a real shame.

OP is doing the right thing by making up the amount the loan would be; it is what you are supposed to do as a parent.

If a student decides to work on top of this, that’s their business. But they shouldn’t have to work because their parents - who have been assessed as wealthy - have decided to plunge them into financial distress. And at a key educational stage too!!

You're supposed to let 19 year olds sit around in your home and pay them £250 a month for the privilege? Right OK.

Unless a student is doing a course that requires lots of placement hours then you won't convince me that doing a bit of part time work isn't the right thing for them to do.

Whatever you think about parents topping up the maintenance loan, there is absolutely no excuse for allowing a room to become a complete tip to the extent that it becomes damp.

She pays for student accom. Has come home around exams - as many do for a bit of peace and quiet to study…….

Not saying she shouldn’t work.

But that parental obligation should be fulfilled. If the gov assess the student gets a reduction in financial support due to parents, the parents are supposed to make up the shortfall so they are not disadvantaged compared to their peers.

The amount she has in her bank account is immaterial. If her peers are getting 4-5k finance and she isn’t due to wealthy parents, it’s up to parents to level the playing field…. They’ve had 18years notice of it.

I must have missed the bit we're OP said she was wealthy. I also never actually said that parents shouldn't top them up, I believe I said that in my earlier post.

My confusion comes from this idea that because somebody is in university they shouldn't have to work. That is definitely a new thing in my opinion.

@Curtains70 if the loan has been reduced then she is not poor! Living in 4 bed new house and able to finance £250 per month for daughter + phone. Few hints there.

Ideally students should be able to focus on their studies, at least within term time. It’s 40 hours per week commitment. Is that not equivalent of full time work?!

A student should work if they feel they can cope with it, and if they want to. It shouldn’t be “need”. Parents/student finance should cover the basics. Fun money was what somebody called it earlier.

From what Op has said about her daughter, the anxiety etc, stands out that there are other issues which may prevent her from coping with Uni and work.

Hopefully her voluntary role and some support (with mental health/potential ND) will help her.

It's this, "shouldn't be a need" thing that's confusing to me. Everybody I've known has always done some sort of work while at uni. My nephew is doing his A levels and he is working.

I never in a million years could've got a degree without working.

Look, happy to admit that I may be wrong and perhaps my point of view is old fashioned and when my kids get to
that age I will understand better.

I do get what you're saying about they shouldn't be disadvantaged if their parents are well off. Although I think work has so many benefits, especially at that age.

In the nicest possible way, you've enabled this situation, but I think you know that.

If you don't do something about this now she will have a very entitled and spoilt attitude to life. She also needs to learn some respect.

Just stop the money you give her, regardless of whether or not she starts to tidy her room.

@Curtains70 I completely agree work has so many advantages and many students at school/college/Uni choose to do it.

I just don’t advocate OP taking away the £250 top up payment. As this disadvantages the student by contrast to those who get full grant/loan.

She isn’t being “treated” she is being given what the gov say is the minimum required for her to live. (She has more than this due to grandparents giving money)

It shouldn’t be

• kid from council estate whose parents are on low income gets full grant/loan.
• kid from leafy suburb with middle class parents gets sod all and has to work a 30hr wk on top of 40hr Uni wk because parents fail in their obligation.

Honestly, the gov should give them all the same and not leave kids at the mercy of their parents good/bad nature.

@loislovesstewie

Agree 100%

But is exam week the time to tackle the problem?!

Everyone I know had a flat/room that was a bombsite when the exam weeks were on….

What is she supposed to be doing, hoovering and changing bedsheets or studying right now?! What is going to be the most productive for her future?

Op has a point but for goodness sake let her get assessments out of the way before moaning about housework.

With respect I think it’s often more complicated than that. I raised daughters. They did loads to help from the ages of about eight to around fourteen years of age. They emptied dw, folded laundry, paired socks, ran up and downstairs to fetch things, tidied their rooms, baked and cooked with me, made beds, walked the dog, helped put away the supermarket shopping, cleaned sinks. They did it willingly and were genuinely helpful! I had a rota with set chores and then could earn money by doing extra optional chores on top. I felt quite smug!

As soon as adolescence struck, that all
went out of the window. I had to nag them to do anything at all and the nagging got in the way of our relationship. It was miserable. I tried being understanding, I tried being strict, I tried withdrawing pocket money. Nothing worked. Not even when they were totally without funds. They dug their heels in, were fairly argumentative, and simply refused to help on a regularly basis. So I gave up. Not proud of it but they were doing well at school so I stopped asking them to do things at home.

It was much messier but the mood in the house improved. They sometimes had the urge to do domestic chores, on strictly their own terms, but they sometimes didn’t do anything for weeks. They got weekend jobs to fund their extra curricular activities and social lives. I no longer did their laundry or made their beds. Their rooms were pig styles at various times and then got deep cleaned by them when their friends were about to come over. I left it all up to them.

And do you know what? At nineteen years and twenty-three years respectively, they are now both very responsible young women, living independently, fairly competently, they cook for themselves and their accommodation is reasonably tidy. They share flats with others and have no problems at all with flatmates. In fact one of them is the person that encourages everyone else in the flat to clean the shared areas properly. They could prepare a few more healthy home cooked meals I suppose but all in all they are doing ok.

The moral of this story = adolescence is a phase. Sometimes it’s a difficult phase. Try not to stress op. This too shall pass!

Personally I wouldn't send to her room. But I would stop funding her until she got on top of it. Same result but leaves the choice/independence with her.

I would give her 24 hours notice that she should clean her room or I would do it myself. One roll of black bin bags, everything goes in. Clothes, rubbish, dirty plates, etc , don't discriminate, chuck it all in together. Put bags outside (not on bin day!) Leave the hoover outside her door. Be prepared for a tantrum. Don't help her sort it out. And let her know this is the future unless she's a bit more helpful. I loathe an entitled, thankless brat.

Next time she's expecting her 250 quid I'd let her ask for it and you tell her you'll 'do it tomorrow'

She's an adult and you're paying her! The least she can do it pull her weight. I'd be expecting her to do at least 1/4 of all household chores and keep her room tidy before I even considered giving her an allowance.

Parents should make up the loan,that’s the system
I don’t want mine working in term time,so shoot me

She’s behaving like an 11 year old because you allow her to act like one. She’s an adult, and adults have to pay their own way in life. I lived with my parents when I went to uni, I had to keep my room tidy, do all my own washing and ironing, and do the housework ready for when my mum came home from work most days, this came before my studies. I also had a 15 hour part time job in a shop. I was never given any money off my parents as they did enough for me by letting me stay at home and paying for my food. It was tough at times but fair.

Stop paying her 250 a month; stop paying for her phone.

Tell her that AFTER she starts helping at home and behaving like an adult she MIGHT be able to renegotiate parental support.