To send adult daughter to her room??

[Auntieobem]

Dd is 19, finishing off 2nd year st Uni so has been home for about 3 weeks. Has one exam to go- next week.

She does virtually nothing round the house. Will help.wash dishes if nagged, will do one load of washing a week if nagged. We're giving her £250 a.month to top up her student loan. She's just started to look at volunteering over the summer. We pay for her phone.

Her room is a tip. Dirty and clean clothes covering the floor, rubbish lying round the bin, damp towels on floor etc. I asked her to spend 30 mins tidying it. She said no. That she'd do it tomorrow. She always says that. I told her in that case she could go sit in her dirty room. I want to treat her like an adult, but she behaves like a 11 year old and is so entitled!

@Skint247 it is not the “governments trap” it is means testing.

We do fall into that bracket actually, we just manage it.

I don’t think OP should do all the housework/laundry or be a maid, don’t be ridiculous. I think she should try and work it out with the DD in a weeks time once the exams are over. And I don’t agree with her financially penalising her top up money, as it’s subjecting her to a penalty that wouldn’t be faced by a kid on full finance.

If giving beyond the loan amount fair enough. But taking money off in the same month final accom payment due… can’t see the sense in that.

@Skint247 GP giving money does not release OP from her parental obligation. They aren’t there to pay her way as a parent.

Fabulous they are giving her cash and that she is being frugal with her loan, this will help her get on the property ladder when she’s finished her degree and in employment. Seems to have her head screwed on.

@Motheranddaughter I’ve known since 13yrs prior to DC being born…….

But to be fair it’s because I went through the system - as an independent student, no parental support.

It was tough, even with full finance, it was sickening to see how unequal provision was; some had been given Fa loan and parents doing nothing so they just spent the entire Uni experience working and saying they couldn’t come to ABC and missing lectures. On the reverse side was ones having their fees paid, £850 per month rent, utilities and food paid and the loan was just fun money….. one even had a trust fund and was on third degree!!

I’m happy enough to sit in the middle and do the required without spoiling.

She gets a job....I worked every holiday whilst at uni despite having placements. Don't give her £250. She needs to grow up here. She could easily earn £250 working in a supermarket etc. Honestly as someone who went to uni the worse students were those who didn't work and expected everything for free as mum and dad paid. University isn't just about learning it's life lessons too.

@londonrach OP has already stated that the daughter has a volunteering opportunity which is more useful to her CV than a “supermarket job” or similar.

What should she do - tell her to pass up this opportunity, or support her to fulfil her potential?

Once the volunteering opportunity is over, agreed p/t work would be a good idea. And that some of the ones at Uni being funded by mega bank of mum and dad were obnoxious.

I think there’s a balance, topping up the amount loan reduced seems reasonable.

Most would need to work too.

Tell her that if her room isn’t cleaned you’ll go in dump it all in trash bags and throw it out. And follow through.

Stop your monthly top up.

This would obviously be a massive violation, don’t do this.

She’s causing damp problems in the house. THATs a violation.

You can’t just chuck out an adult’s belongings though.

@Clementinesucks criminal damage/theft…..

You’re advising this as a teen doesn’t clean her room for a few wks………

Another Bizarre MN moment.

Hi there

we didn’t give ours any money for uni despite being able to. They had Saturday jobs all the way through from the age of 17. So I would withdraw the money and make her get a job. She might then show some appreciation. Good luck ❤️

My room was a tip at 19, it's still a bit of a work in progress in my 40s. I'm not sure she's all that different to many of her peers in that respect.

That said my mum didn't give me £250.00 a month, didn't pay for my phone and didn't let me spend the summer volunteering.

Sorry to be a lone voice in this, but try connecting and re-bonding and see if she will open up. I see a lot of children her age are suffering with their mental health. Maybe it’s a post pandemic thing but an evening walk with her for a few weeks without telling her off or lecturing and speak about what you would like her help with and see. Difficult I know

Have no idea why anyone would think not supporting DC through Uni when you can afford to do so is anything to boast about

And her mother screwed over.

I agree with stopping the money (as you’ve done). Also agree that at least discussing her finding her own place should be discussed if the way she’s keeping her room is causing actual damage to the house. Perhaps you could get a few quotes to sort the damp and redecorate and say that you’ll be expecting her to contribute?

All in all she sounds old enough to take responsibility for herself here.

I think it’s because, broadly, it teaches the value of money, financial responsibility, hard work and not expecting to live on handouts. I imagine most people would cover the basics but expecting the child to earn for “fun” money is something I completely agree with. I can completely tell at work (I manage a lot of 20 somethings in a process field) who has been bankrolled by mum and dad for years and who’s been expected to earn their own money from a reasonable age. With a few exceptions the latter are doing much better.

Volunteerimg is also a complete hallmark of privilege on a CV too- although if coupled with paid work and done properly it can be useful. I.e. volunteering in local schools/ youth groups/ at charity shops alongside a paid job we tend to look favourably on. Turtles on a tropical island probably less so!

That should say “professional” field!

After her final exam next week change the rules.

Inform her that you are not topping up her loan anymore.
She is to pay rent and cook one meal for the family per week.
She is to wash all her own clothes and keep her room so that the door can be left ajar for ventilation etc some of the day.
Give her responsibility for one cleaning task - ie XX bathroom

Give her three weeks to find a part time job and spring clean her room or she will have to find a new abode.

Treat her well and reward with surprise coffee outing when she reaches cleaning milestones.
Enjoy both being more cheerful.