19 year old and Holidays

[Blankscreen]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

You are pushing him out.

Just because he didn’t come on family holiday last year, you decided he would never holiday with you again?

He should be treated the same as the other children.

I’m confused about why you are paying for his holiday with his mates. He’s an adult, he should pay for that imo.

But as you are paying for it, I would give him the option of that or the family holidays. He can’t have both.

At 19 I would have paid my own attendance at holidays or anything with the family, but I wouldn’t have wanted to go with them.

This thread is nuts. Of course dss is included in family meals out and family functions etcpp

I haven't embellished anything about DD'S glue ear. She can't hear that well without her hearing band. Dss know that and he still get annoyed with her for is

My reference to the cleft is that cleft children don't always just grow out of glue ear like other children do. Obviously she has had her cleft repaired. It was implied that if I got her treatment then it wouldn't be an issue.

I'm clearly a wicked step mother who is off to work now to help pay for all the sodding holidays

And final response from me.

We are paying for his holiday with his friends because he asked us to help him out.

How terrible of us.

MN never fails to shock.

I can't believe there are parents out there who would make a 19 year old pay if they went on a family holiday!

Do you pay if you attend a Christmas dinner at their house? Or a family meal at a restaurant?

The lack of generosity of some parents is an eye opener.

Legally yes, he is an adult. But that means nothing in terms of family. It's a nonsense how people trot out this line of 'being an adult' just because a child is 18 one day and 19 the next.

He's working to save for uni.

The upside down bit is paying for a holiday for him with his mates (my DCs used their savings and weekend jobs for that when they were still in education and we may have given a bit of spending money.)

It's so sad to read posters 'clculating' that he's had XYZ paid for and can't expect any more. That's not how families work IME.

I don't know any friends who would expect a 19 year old to pay to go on a family holiday. if they were short of money they'd choose somewhere cheaper so they could all go.

Anyway- it's not about the money.

OP just doesn't like him, doesn't understand him (or most 19 year old lads come to that) and really if her H earns 6 x what she does it's his call what his son does. Not hers.

Oh for god's sake. He's growing up and he's had independent trips paid for him instead because this is his preference. This would not be exclusion even if she was his mum, this is normal, decent parenting. Wind your neck in.

So he always gets what he asks for? Except when it is something where you don't want him tagging along as he and your DD don't get on.

He's been bought a car which he won't be able to use at uni except out of term time.

Off to work to pay for all the holidays?

Your back posts say differently OP- you say that you don't need to work as your DH earns 6 x what you do.

It makes me wonder what is the truth and what is embellishment in your posts.

So he always gets what he asks for? Except when it is something where you don't want him tagging along as he and your DD don't get on.

He's been bought a car which he won't be able to use at uni except out of term time.

Off to work to pay for all the holidays?

Your back posts say differently OP- you say that you don't need to work as your DH earns 6 x what you do.

It makes me wonder what is the truth and what is embellishment in your posts.

I don’t know why people are so against not taking him, you have spent a lot of money for him to go away as you have thought he would enjoy that more which he will. I would just give him the option and say you can’t afford to take him to everything so he can come if he pays. Or I would do the other way around, take him to Alton towers but not the family holiday. He will be bored on the summer holiday, at least he will be occupied all day at Alton towers.

*The upside down bit is paying for a holiday for him with his mates (my DCs used their savings and weekend jobs for that when they were still in education and we may have given a bit of spending money.)

It's so sad to read posters 'clculating' that he's had XYZ paid for and can't expect any more. That's not how families work IME.*

It's how it works in LOADS of families - ever heard of an allowance?

I agree that it makes more sense to pay for a family holiday than a mates trip, but the fact is they HAVE paid for the mates trip, at his request, so he's chosen this over a paid for family holiday, there's nothing at all unusual about that, it's perfectly normal for parents to not be willing to pay for more than a certain amount of trips in a year.

I said 'help' pay for the holidays.

I don't get paid in buttons.

My parents would have never had the money to pay for me to go on holiday let alone that in addition to a holiday with friends.

I’ve found what you said highly offensive. Being able to afford everything is not a reflection of how well you parent.

I get child support and child benefit. This will stop when they are 18, do I magically have enough money for another grown man in the house just because I want to? No, I don’t.

Your response was so rude and not thoughtful of others situations at all. You may be able to afford more for your kids, that’s lovely, I’m raising mine to be considerate compassionate people who can give a second thought to others in very different situations to themselves. I know what side of parenting I value more, but you do you.

@aSofaNearYou But that's not what was discussed was it?

He isn't being given an allowance.

No one said to him you have £X and you can either have a holiday with your mates OR with us OR a trip with your dad to Spain OR a car for £9K.

You can't surely be saying it's fair to think there is an 'allowance' when he knows nothing about it.

If there was a limit on money he should have been told at the start.

But it's not about money.

@Irritateandunreasonable If you want to have a go at posters, maybe you need to be more detailed in your posts. You didn't say you paid for your holidays with your parents because they were poor.

How odd you should omit such an important detail then feel the need to be offended when someone questions it.

Oh , OP.

You move the goal posts according to how people challenge you.

One minute, it's X, the next it's Y.

You either need to work or you don't. On other threads you said you didn't.

Give you head a wobble and admit the truth. It's clear you don't really like your stepson.

@User6589310 Yes in an ideal world he would have been told beforehand, but they didn't anticipate him wanting to come on the family outings because they actually know him and a precedent has been set where he doesn't want to join in on those things. Mistakes are made sometimes, the fact that they didn't think to warn him beforehand due to his behaviour and attitude previously, doesn't suddenly make it totally unfair to make him aware of those limits now. Especially given there's still the option for him to change his mind and forgo his paid for solo trips in favour of the family trips. He's choosing not to. It's fair enough on all sides.

It’s not odd at all if you gave yourself just two minutes to consider not everyone is in the same position as you but instead to jumped to unkind conclusions and assumptions. It’s not uncommon, at all, to have parents who cannot afford to support another adult but for some reason this didn’t even cross your mind.

I find it ironic that you accuse me of ‘having a go at posters’. My first post was a direct response to OP who asked for peoples opinions but your reply to that directly aimed at me was attacking and implying I wasn’t the kindest of parents because I wasn’t purchasing holidays.

I have to say as well, I still wouldn’t pay for a holiday with his mates at 19 AND a family holiday even if I could afford it, that’s not how I parent, and not reflective of the values I try to teach my children. There are certain things in life I feel is appropriate to work for.

@Irritateandunreasonable There is a huge difference between what you are posting now and what your post (to which I replied) said.

In case you have forgotten this was it.

I’m confused about why you are paying for his holiday with his mates. He’s an adult, he should pay for that imo. But as you are paying for it, I would give him the option of that or the family holidays. He can’t have both. At 19 I would have paid my own attendance at holidays or anything with the family, but I wouldn’t have wanted to go with them.

You said nothing about your current circumstances.
You said nothing about your parents being unable to afford a holiday including you.

So no, my post wasn't offensive. Because people whose parents couldn't afford to take them on holiday would mention that.

You can't come along accusing posters of something about which they knew nothing.

And it doesn't take 2 minutes to consider something unknown.

You didn't even HINT that the reason you would have paid was because your parents were poor. You made out it was a moral choice on your behalf and that you didn't even want to go on holiday with them!

Your current situation is not relevant at all.

honestly you gave yourself away when you pretended he was your biological son at the start of this thread

I think you're getting a hard time. My parents did take me on family holidays at that age but no way would have given me money for a friends holiday (and a car!).

I remember meeting a young man on holiday with his mum and found out he was a twin and asked why he wasn't there. His mum said it totally changed the dynamic when they were together (didn't always get on), so they went separately and that year the twin went with his friends instead (and she paid).

He doesn't sound excluded or unloved to me!

No, I didn't miss the point. I thought the same as you.

My parents did take me on family holidays at that age but no way would have given me money for a friends holiday (and a car!).

That's the point. The op's family have lots of money (£10k summer holiday budget, ski trip in February, money for cars etc) - but op does not seem to like having her step son around!

I think pretending he was your biological son, and the quite significant drip feeds, plus getting offended at people’s feedback, have made things appear not quite as you want to portray them. There does seem to be an element of not really liking him or resenting how much your husband pays for for his eldest son.

However, I really don’t think the way he behaves to your daughter is acceptable, and I think this would be my focus, rather than just deciding he’s an adult and no longer part of family trips.

There need to be some stern words about how she’s not “airing” him - she can’t hear him - and how it’s unacceptable to pick one sibling to spend time with. Equally, I think you and your DH need to demonstrate that he’s still fully part of the family - not by throwing money at him but in every day words and actions.

I thought it was absolutely fine not to take him to Alton Towers with him having so much other money spent - esp as it appeared (unless I got this wrong) your DH isn’t going. I think the family holiday should have been discussed at the time of giving him 1k for the friends trip, and it being clearly presented as a choice between the two - either he gets that contribution or goes on the family holiday all paid for.

A lot of young males are into gym/ fitness/ clean eating etc it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s an unhealthy obsession. At least he’s not into dugs or criminal activities and is focussing on achieving something.

I feel sorry for your step son - not because you're neglecting him financially, but because it appears you dislike his presence.

I have a 19 year old ds too and can't wait to see him when he comes home from Uni!