19 year old and Holidays

[Blankscreen]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

I will be thrilled if my children want to holiday with us when they are 19, and if i can afford it, i'd pay for them to come and enjoy their company.

Life is so short and soon enough, when he has a wife and children, you will be the dreaded MIL and would do anything to be involved in your son's life!!

Well DH can take all the children to Barcelona to make it fair. See how he likes that proposal.

It's not terrible of you at all. But it's confused within the situation of "we can't afford to pay for him on family holiday".

When DS announced at the start of Year 13 that he and his friends wanted to go on a post A Level holiday, my response was to say "That's nice, have you worked out how you're going to save up for it?". If he'd really wanted to go and had genuinely no way of earning it himself, then we might have considered paying for it, or for some of it. But it would have been clear that if we paid for that he wouldn't get xyz other thing. It seems that you've given your DSS money every time he asked, until you've suddenly decided you won't for a family holiday of all things. It's not very consistent.

Most parents would still pay for 19 year olds to go on family holiday if they want to go. That’s completely normal until post uni and in decent employment. They do in my family and most families I know.

Most would not pay for two solo trips on top of that.

When I was 18 I paid for my holiday with friends, but my parents also took me on holiday with them (my choice). When we were young adults we sometimes went with the family and sometimes not - once just my Dad and youngest brother went on a summer holiday. But we were still invited.

If we wanted holidays with friends we paid for those

It's not normal to pay for your 19 year old to go on a lads' holiday though.
And therein lies OP's problem, because she's paid for the thing that wouldn't have been contentious if she hadn't, meaning she's now wanting to exclude DSS from a family holiday, which looks pointed and hurtful. I wonder if DSS is reading the subtext that he can have money but he's not considered part of the family.

My world is so different, at 19 I had a baby, was living on my own etc. My view is potentially skewed because of that. But I really do feel that some people are infantalising him. Between the bullying of a 9 year old and having everything handed to him, it sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.
It's not fair for 9 year old to have her holiday ruined. If she will be left out and ridiculed I would pay for him for holiday but, I would not have paid for lads trip.

It's not normal to pay for your 19 year old to go on a lads' holiday though.
And therein lies OP's problem, because she's paid for the thing that wouldn't have been contentious if she hadn't, meaning she's now wanting to exclude DSS from a family holiday, which looks pointed and hurtful. I wonder if DSS is reading the subtext that he can have money but he's not considered part of the family

Hence why OP said she'd say if he wants to come on the family holiday he'll have to pay for his own lads holiday. He has the choice. This is a non drama.

She can exclude him (sorry)

Take him but advise that as he is a adult now you expect him to share the adult duties whilst on holiday e.g if he can drive driving duties, cooking and cleaning whilst there and a night or two of watching his siblings whilst you have some time to yourself

Blankscreen
I'm not going on a self catering holiday. It's not a holiday for me as I still end up with the mental load thinking about food for everyone

I go on “self catering”/airbnb holidays always book one with its own private swimming pool. We go to the local supermarket and buy drinks, snacks, coffee, fruit, bread, cheese type stuff at the beginning of the holidays for breakfasts/lunches and for during the days we spend by the pool (the money you save during the day by everyone helping themselves to cold drinks from the fridge and bringing them out to drink by the pool as apposed to paying hotel prices for drinks is huge.
Toast is the most I “cook” and always get an Airbnb with a dishwasher
We usually hire a car or have driven there but because I alway choose an Airbnb close to the sea front there is usually a supermarket within walking distance so anyone can pop out to get anything

Lunches are a case of our breakfast rehashed put out again in the middle of the outdoor dining table. The only thing I do is rinse everything and put it in bowls.

Always eat out in the evening and days when we go out, we have lunch out as well.

I find this hard. I have a 17ds, 15dd, 2.5yrdd and 1yr dd. I’d LOVE for my older son to come on holiday with us. In our situation we don’t have much money, we holiday in the UK mainly and I wouldn’t be booking to go away if we couldn’t afford to all go. But if he works and has lots of spending money, especially if you’ve already contributed to his mated holiday, I’d ask him to contribute so that you can afford to all go.

I assume you paid towards boys holiday thinking he wouldn’t be coming on family holiday too?

you won’t have many holidays left with him.
it does sound like he irritates you, which I get, but he’s his own person and I find it hard to understand why you’d want to exclude him. Having a big age gap between my children I do appreciate it changed the dynamic, so I’d do things for the older and usually separate things for the younger.

If he is working and 19 years old why are you paying towards holidays with his mates? That's his responsibility not yours. Let him come on family summer holiday if he wants but say as an adult who is working he will need to contribute towards it. We have 3 kids, 2 adults, they often come but will chip in with costs, we may pay for the accommodation but ask them to pay towards food and activities and if we go out to eat to pick up their own tab/drinks.

This isn’t about the number of holidays or how much each child has spent on them!!!

Think beyond the obvious.
Use your brain and common sense to read between the lines.

Why is it ok for the other kids to be left out of his extra holidays then?

I am - why does he get to have extra holidays? Please explain why that’s fair.

@Heidi75 He's not working as such- he's on a gap year and presumably earning a pocket-money income and saving it towards uni (assuming he goes in Sept this year.)

@Blankscreen If you are baulking at the cost of a trip to AT (or were- he's not going now) you are in for a big shock when he's at uni! His student loan won't cover much and we were paying £££s for accommodation ever year.

This comment explains your misunderstanding.
You are assuming because someone spends money on a kid that means they care for them.
Throwing money at someone isn’t an automatic sign of love and care.

This is what I think to a certain extent - the bullying of the 9 yo is taking far too much of a back seat in the discussions

Tbh I can only come at this from the family holidays I have booked and paid for and tbh the Alton Towers hotel is extortionate for what you get even if you only took the 2 younger ones. 2 adults and 2 children cramped into 1 room. It’s what made me look at alternatives.
Dh was totally against Airbnb/holiday home type stays. He really was very reluctant to try. So reluctant he had a couple of hotels lined up close by that we could go into when I realised the Airbnb I had booked was so shit.

After that holiday he now looks at the holiday let sites as the first point of call when we are looking to go away.

Depending when you eat to go, I just had a quick look at the Airbnb site and for less than you are paying for 4 of you to stay in the hotel you could take 5 and pay for the day passes for eldest Ds and you wouldn’t be on top of one another and you could eat out in the evening and buy a bottle of wine from the supermarket and drink it and talk/watch tv or sit outside whilst not disturbing sleeping dc.
So much more relaxed

Depending when you want to go

This is what I think to a certain extent - the bullying of the 9 yo is taking far too much of a back seat in the discussions

Quite.

I've avoided being pulled into that part of the discussion as I honestly don't think him being a step child and OP not liking his behaviour is relevant in light of how many other treats he's getting this year - that is reason enough to not pay for more or expect him to choose which he has paid for.

But if my 19 year old DSS was bullying my 9 year old, then I wouldn't want to go on holiday with them either. In fact, I wouldn't be paying towards a holiday with them, that would be a negative experience for my child and myself.

Fortunately, in this case, there's a perfect solution to that that needn't involve any hurt feelings. He'd rather go with his mates and he's also getting to go away with his dad. The absolute perfect solution, which for some reason is still not good enough for some on here.

People on here are bonkers.

You are doing nothing wrong OP.