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AIBU?

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Original poster

19 year old and Holidays

325 replies

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

OP posts:
TrishTrix · 03/05/2023 13:05

Tricky one. I think you've muddied the waters by paying for his mates trip.

My experience is that parents fund family holidays and that other trips e.g mates trip are funded by those taking them.

Special trips like Barcelona are special and I think he is getting Barcelona so younger kids get Alton Towers would be a fair position. If he wants to come to AT then he pays (or at least contributes)

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 13:17

You are assuming because someone spends money on a kid that means they care for them.
Throwing money at someone isn’t an automatic sign of love and care.

This.

This discussion is not about how much money the (high earning) dad is spending on each child. It's about the step son being 'tolerated' at best, although I'm getting the impression that op would prefer to holiday only with her own biological children and her new husband.

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 13:18

Special trips like Barcelona are special

They younger children may well also get birthday trips with their dad!

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 13:19

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 13:17

You are assuming because someone spends money on a kid that means they care for them.
Throwing money at someone isn’t an automatic sign of love and care.

This.

This discussion is not about how much money the (high earning) dad is spending on each child. It's about the step son being 'tolerated' at best, although I'm getting the impression that op would prefer to holiday only with her own biological children and her new husband.

Of course she would, he bullies her child. Maybe it would be reasonable to question her not liking him there if that wasn't the case.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 03/05/2023 13:28

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:47

DS is obsessed and I mean obsessed with the gym. So the whole break away will be I imagine be centred around his eating protein/ calories for a 'clean ' bulk.

Unless you live with this madness I don't think you can realise how irritating and suffocating it can be.

This would worry me. We often honk of eating disorders only affecting girls but the bulk/protein/clean eating thing many young men are now obsessed with smacks of orthorexia to me.

Especially if he can't take a break on holiday.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 03/05/2023 13:29

Think* not honk

Mirabai · 03/05/2023 13:31

IDontWantToBeAPie · 03/05/2023 13:28

This would worry me. We often honk of eating disorders only affecting girls but the bulk/protein/clean eating thing many young men are now obsessed with smacks of orthorexia to me.

Especially if he can't take a break on holiday.

Show quote history

Exactly. If that is dominating the holiday - then it’s ED territory.

Rather than thinking he’s annoying maybe try to help him?

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 13:37

Of course she would, he bullies her child. Maybe it would be reasonable to question her not liking him there if that wasn't the case

From what I've read the 19 year old plays more with the op's son and the daughter is sometimes left out. That is not bullying.

But more importantly, I feel that the op doesn't like her step son. But that's just the impression I get from her describing him.

spottysnail · 03/05/2023 14:05

@Buebananas he's not really a 'new' husband given that they have a 12 and 9 year old together. The hatred for step-mothers on here is crazy.
Such an evil step-mother to buy her adult step-son a 9k car, pay for him to go skiing, 1k for a Barcelona trip, 1k for a holiday with friends - all in the same year... I'm not surprised she doesn't want him to holiday with them when as an adult he chooses to bully a little girl.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 14:23

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 13:37

Of course she would, he bullies her child. Maybe it would be reasonable to question her not liking him there if that wasn't the case

From what I've read the 19 year old plays more with the op's son and the daughter is sometimes left out. That is not bullying.

But more importantly, I feel that the op doesn't like her step son. But that's just the impression I get from her describing him.

She's said more than that, she says he is deliberately obtuse and hostile and makes a point of blanking her.

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 14:26

Such an evil step-mother to buy her adult step-son a 9k car, pay for him to go skiing, 1k for a Barcelona trip, 1k for a holiday with friends

From my understanding, his dad has paid for all this!

spottysnail · 03/05/2023 14:35

@Buebananas from my understanding she also works and they are married so assets are joint.
The adult step-son sounds very entitled and is hostile to a little girl because she has a hearing problem.

Katey83 · 03/05/2023 14:44

‘Listen - we’re already paying for you to go on two holidays, and it will make the cost of the Alton Towers and summer trips a lot more expensive if you come along. You are welcome, but you’ll have to cover the cost of your other trips if you want to join us for the family ones - and if you do join us I will expect you to include your sister and make an effort to be kind to her.’

Heidi75 · 03/05/2023 14:52

@User6589310 A gap year could still be a full-time job.

TolkiensFallow · 03/05/2023 15:04

I think you just need to say to him “sorry DS we thought you had stopped wanting to come on holiday with us anymore, so we offered you a grand for a lads holiday. We can’t afford to pay for both so can you choose?”

Irritateandunreasonable · 03/05/2023 15:06

User6589310 · 03/05/2023 09:53

@Irritateandunreasonable There is a huge difference between what you are posting now and what your post (to which I replied) said.

In case you have forgotten this was it.

I’m confused about why you are paying for his holiday with his mates. He’s an adult, he should pay for that imo. But as you are paying for it, I would give him the option of that or the family holidays. He can’t have both. At 19 I would have paid my own attendance at holidays or anything with the family, but I wouldn’t have wanted to go with them.

You said nothing about your current circumstances.
You said nothing about your parents being unable to afford a holiday including you.

So no, my post wasn't offensive. Because people whose parents couldn't afford to take them on holiday would mention that.

You can't come along accusing posters of something about which they knew nothing.

And it doesn't take 2 minutes to consider something unknown.

You didn't even HINT that the reason you would have paid was because your parents were poor. You made out it was a moral choice on your behalf and that you didn't even want to go on holiday with them!

Your current situation is not relevant at all.

I briefly glanced over your response but in all honesty I’m just not interested in arguing with strangers over the internet.

Seems others on this thread have got a little bored of you as well.

Take care x

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 15:10

sorry DS we thought you had stopped wanting to come on holiday with us anymore

What a passive aggressive and unkind assumption to make. Just because he didn't join in last year does not mean his step mum should assume he longer wants to be part of family holidays?!

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 15:14

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 15:10

sorry DS we thought you had stopped wanting to come on holiday with us anymore

What a passive aggressive and unkind assumption to make. Just because he didn't join in last year does not mean his step mum should assume he longer wants to be part of family holidays?!

FFS. She knows the boy and will have experienced him opting out of family occasions far more often than just that one holiday. It sets a precedent.

On threads on here about late teens the general consensus is they don't want to spend any time with their families and would rather be off with their mates. Suddenly here people are being precious about it.

And I notice you had no response when people pointed out to you that actually he IS a prat to the 9 year old.

Catspyjamas17 · 03/05/2023 15:20

If he doesn't generally want to do things with family don't turn him away when he does, would be my advice.

And it doesn't cost another £600 to take an extra person to Alton Towers, that is ridiculous. I would ask him could he pay for his park ticket out of his wages.

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 15:20

And I notice you had no response when people pointed out to you that actually he IS a prat to the 9 year old.

No, you're right. I'm not going to respond to such an statement of fact Grin

Catspyjamas17 · 03/05/2023 15:22

As an aside, DD1 (17) is going to Tenerife with her mates just as she turns 18 this year. She is paying for it herself from her PT job, 10 hours a week.

nutbrownhare15 · 03/05/2023 15:23

It's not his fault you chose to have two extra children. I would also say it's worth exploring how to resolve the various family dynamics that aren't working for you right now as a separate issue to the holiday . I don't think he should be excluded. As an adult I would say a reasonable compromise is to say to him the costs go up a lot of he comes so if he pays half the extra he can come. He then probably won't come.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 15:24

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 15:20

And I notice you had no response when people pointed out to you that actually he IS a prat to the 9 year old.

No, you're right. I'm not going to respond to such an statement of fact Grin

Or the examples OP gave of how he treats her. Do you think that's fine?

redskylight · 03/05/2023 15:40

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 15:24

Or the examples OP gave of how he treats her. Do you think that's fine?

Show quote history

Siblings argue and don't get along though.
Children behave badly to their parents (and step parents).

You address the poor behaviour. You don't exclude the child from family life. At least (with an adult child) not without any warning. With a dependent child, you clearly don't do it at all!

rookiemere · 03/05/2023 15:42

Catspyjamas17 · 03/05/2023 15:20

If he doesn't generally want to do things with family don't turn him away when he does, would be my advice.

And it doesn't cost another £600 to take an extra person to Alton Towers, that is ridiculous. I would ask him could he pay for his park ticket out of his wages.

Agree with the first sentence, on the second why would the OP lie about the cost ? I imagine they are staying in a nice hotel with meals, so the cost of an extra hotel room for 2 nights plus entrance tickets and potentially fast passes could easily be £600.

In any case it's a moot point as the DSS is going out with pals instead.

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