19 year old and Holidays

[Blankscreen]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

Did you ask if he wanted to come to Alton Towers or your family holiday, or just book them?

Given

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

I'd say he can't come to Alton Towers, as it will totally change the family dynamic. He can go with his mates.

Why are you paying for him to go on holidays? He's working - he can afford it.

And PS: my dd is 19, away at uni, but still involved with family life! I think that's normal.

Your family holiday? I'd automatically include dd in it. Perhaps your ds could pay towards his place? Since you a are finding his two other holidays...

It sounds like your relationship has broken down? That's a shame. 19yos can be selfish, but sounds like your ds is taking this to extremes. Do you think he's taking steroids?

If he comes away with you, he needs to promise first that he will behave and be nice to the 9yo.

I'm not going on a self catering holiday. It's not a holiday for me as I still end up with the mental load thinking about food for everyone.

I don't get how we are so terrible. He really wanted to go on holiday with his friends so we have given him quite a bit of money for that.

He also really wanted a weekend away with his dad for some quality time together.
we don't have a bottomless pit of money and have a £10k ish budget for the summer activities.

Dss has had pretty much had his budget allocation in his mates holiday and the Barcelona trip. (Not the whole amount as he is getting some of it as his birthday present)

Should he get double everyone else because he's my step son?

He can't afford to pay for himself obvs. and his mates holiday is all booked and paid for as part of a group booking that can't be cancelled. He couldn't afford the mates holiday in the first place which is why he asked us to pay.

Aren't we terrible. Last year he didn't want to come on our summer holiday as it was 'boring'. We assumed the same would apply this year.

He's get the holiday he wants paid for by us.

He's 19 surely he needs to learn that there isn't such a thing as a 'free: holiday. Somebody somewhere is paying.

As said previously he doesn't now want to come to Alton Towers as he wants to go out with his friends that weekend.

Also he came skiing with us a half term!

Based on your update @Blankscreen late last night, this is NOT about money.

I don't know what you earn - it could be £10K £20K £30K or more. But your DH earns 6 x that. You also say in other posts that you don't need to work.

So don't come along here pretending that £600 for an extra person on a holiday is a huge deal. (must be a 5* hotel if that's for 2 nights.)

Not when you have paid £9K for DS for a car.

You have had what appears to be bad parenting yourself - not being 'allowed' to have family holidays above a certain age. This is not normal in any way.

My DCs are older and many of their friends were going on villa holidays with their parents when they were in their mid 20s- and not paying towards the cost, because the parents could afford it and enjoyed their kids being there.

You need to own up to what 's really going on.

You don't like your stepson. Your DD has glue ear (so why don't you get that sorted? It's not a permanent condition) and he appears to be unkind to her.

Has it ever occurred to you that part of his unkindness may be because he feels excluded as you clearly don't like him, and this is his way of 'getting back'?

If he is picking on your DD maybe that's a way of annoying you as his way of showing he doesn't like you, either.

This isn't right but as the adult you need to accept that boys of 19 are not mature and the brain doesn't develop into an adult brain till 25.

Where is your understanding of how he must feel being the only step child in family with your two children?

His Dad is clearly trying- giving him money, going away on a holiday with him to Spain - but your disdain for this stepson is crystal clear.

It not about money. You don't want him tagging along because of the age gap between him and your own kids, and see him as a nuisance.

Tell him he can come if he pays.

Also the comment re my daughter's glue ear is way off the mark and frankly insulting.

She was born with a Cleft palate and wears a hearing aid at school.

She doesn't wear it at home.

It's clearly not about the money - a £10K summer budget, skiing holidays in February etc - this is about your relationship with your step son.

But you told us she had glue ear..?

I think you need to have a discussion with your stepson about money and who pays (or rather his father should). Your opinions seem to be very contradictory.

You've given him 1K towards a holiday, bought him a 9K car and paid for another holiday to Barcelona, but you're now begrudging the extra for a family holiday.

My DS is also 19 and working. He is paying for his own "mates" holiday, and we are paying for him to come on the family holiday (which he was offered the choice to go on, or not). Doing it the other way round is very odd, unless you made it clear when you paid for the mates' holiday that it was effectively in lieu of paying for him on a family holiday.
Actually DS paid for his own mates' holiday last year - he and his friends were in full time education and paid for it out of part time/weekend jobs. None of them expected their parents to pay. So I'm not sure why your DS couldn't afford his mates' holiday, assuming his friends are similar age and at university/not that well paid jobs. Is he/you moving in affluent circles and trying to keep up?

Similarly a 9K car for someone who is about to go to university (where you generally don't need one), is a lot of money. Whilst we know parents who've bought cars for children they've been an awful lot cheaper. Again, are you trying to keep up with a particular Jones' lifestyle?

Was Barcelona a birthday present or was DS expected to pay towards it? If it was a present, then it was an expensive one, and you can't use that to justify he can't have other holidays. If he's expected to pay towards it, why would you suggest another expensive holiday, when he can't afford his mates' one?

Whilst I accept that you've paid a lot out for DS this year - I think you chose to do that, and excluding him from the family holiday on that basis (if that is the basis) doesn't really seem fair. I would be clearer about the future though. We've said to our DS that he can come on family holidays as long as he wants; but that we'll also go on holidays without him, and he has to fund anything he wants to do that's non-family.

Did you say this earlier?

Lol I also have a 19 year old obsessed with gym and getting his calories in! It’s very expensive and quite restricting. He moved away for uni and pays for himself mostly (I pay for his food). I’d expect him to come on a family break though and would pay for him. He’s still part of the family, his sibling wouldn’t want to go without him, and he’ll be away long enough. I do understand about the extra room and huge extra expense though. Lads holiday he’s paying for himself out of his own money.

Are peoples reading ops' updates, he bullies 9year old dd.
So he should have four trips out and dd should just tolerate the bullying?
People are so desperate to pain an image of wicked step mother.

This madness????
Plenty of us do or have lived with 19 yr old sons. You seem to think you are very hard done by. I feel sorry for him, he clearly isn't wanted anymore.

You sound nasty.

Your own children are young. When they are 19 they might not be as compliant as they are now and behave like teenagers! You don't have any experience of teens other than your stepson who you clearly don't like.

I don't think you appreciate what it is to be 19 and be a stepson. Does he see his mother?

I think you underestimate being a stepson - he must have been quite young when his dad married you. And to live with him and not his mum makes me think there was something traumatic going on then. Most children do stay with their birth mother (unless they have died.)

Where is your compassion?

I want to pick you up on something about university. You said he wants to go to Bristol Uni.

My DS went there. Yes, accommodation is expensive. In the 1st year they all tend to be in halls and he will not be able to have a car. Parking in Bristol is a nightmare anyway.

If he is having gap year now, he ought to have applied to uni last year and have a place that is deferred.

So is his gap year exactly that and he already has the offer of a place based on his A levels?

OP I have a 19yo DS who is very similar, however he is welcome to come along to family events ( days and meals out,) we
even if it does almost double the cost, he told me categorically he wasn't coming on holiday this summer, but I anticipate he is going to change his mind closer to the time and we will need to book additional accomadation.

Don’t be so ridiculous. He’s getting two holidays paid for already, being expected to grow up a bit and start funding yourself, doesn’t drive anyone to suicide. How do you think kids from genuinely poor places cope, who can’t have any holidays or even, shock horror, an x box? Kids who when they are 19, are expected to work and contribute to supporting the family? How many holidays a year do you think 19 year old boys need to be given in order that they don’t off themselves exactly, as 2 is clearly child abuse, would 4 be enough? Why don’t the other children need 4 too?

*9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

But then you said HE bullies her!

This is very different from the 'he bullies her because she has glue ear and can't always hear him' scenario which you posted. And now it's not glue ear, it's a cleft palate [presumably operated on by now] and a hearing aid (for glue ear?)

You should be glad he is into keeping fit and eating lots of protein. Far better than sitting staring at screens all day, swigging Coke and being obese.

This - fitness and protein- is normal for loads of 19 year olds (mine did that.)

As is changing their minds, and preferring mates stuff over family, some of the time.

I don’t understand why people think the step son is entitled to MORE than the other children and anything less is because OP hates him. I wish my mum had hated me as much as you clearly must hate your step son OP, and paid for 2 holidays a year for me as well as buying me a car. 🙄

Yes, OP said that her daughter has glue ear in her post of 22:48 yesterday. People didn't make it up.

The fact he dropped out of the Alton Towers break once it was offered, suggests this is maybe more about him wanting to feel he still has a place in the family.

His DF needs to have a one to one chat with him and explain that the pals trip has already been paid for and was because he assumed he didn't want to go on the family holiday. Then I think it should be your DHs decision as to what happens next. As you're presumably going somewhere where food is provided then most places offer eggs and fish in abundance- DS and his pal are both very into their gym and protein and were delighted by the food at the 4 star AI we went to.

That's not what I meant. You've missed the point.

You haven't read her update.

Glue ear is a fairly minor issue that can be treated (my DS had it and was under a specialist.)

She then went on to say her DD was born with a cleft palate ( presumably had surgery now) and wears a hearing aid at school but not home. So it looks as if she was embellishing something quite minor like glue ear and making it out to be a big health issue.

So he's had 1k given to him to go on holiday with his mates, 1k for a trip to Barcelona, has been on a skiing trip already with you this year and had a 9k car bought for him. I would hardly say he's hard done by! People always latch on to the step-child thing and then make out like they are so hard done by. Doesn't seem to be true in this case.

I understand how you feel the obsession with his protein diet and nastiness towards your DD will impact the dynamic of the holiday.
If he actually really wants to go, perhaps he either needs to pay his share as a working adult who has had a lot given to him already. Or he needs to pay a contribution. Plus he would need to follow a few ground rules such as being nice to your DD.

Him being a DSS is really irrelevant here. He's in the enormously privileged position of having two trips paid for him this year. Younger children are getting the same, of slightly lesser value as one is a day trip rather than a foreign holiday. He has the choice to change which trips he wants paid for him, but seems unbothered. He is absolutely not hard done by.

It's annoying that this thread will now have pages and pages of fresh responses trying to bend the situation to make him a victim purely because he is a step child. He is being treated fairly here whether he's a SC or not.

A 10k budget! Most people would dream of that sort of money to spend on holidays. This obviously isn’t about money - it’s about you being a shit and frankly horrible step parent. I’d never dream of leaving 19 yo DD out and can assure you my holiday budget is far less than that!