I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

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I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

Please don’t panic

she was being a brat and you reacted because she pushed you to your limit

You are only human. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes

Take a deep breath. This one incident isn’t going to fuck her up - the important thing is that you repair your relationship with her and figure out whatever’s going on inside you so you can work through that and not do it again.

If you think you might do it again and you can get some space while her dad has her tonight then do that.

This

But the rest of the thread will label you worse than a serial killer and there will be mention of police/social services/assault

I would delete the thread now, calm yourself down, forgive yourself and get on with the rest of your life.

Well, as a mother of an 17 year old, and a 19 year old, I can tell you that what you did was not ideal. And they will remember it. And you will too. And you will pay, and pay, and pay, for being less than ideal.

I suggest you apologise, because what you did is not okay. However, how she behaved is not okay, either. Especially saying that you are being 'overdramatic'. The difference is, you are the adult.

I think you should apologise for your role ASAP, pls don't let this fester with her as she will start to think less of you. You screwed up, you are human and she needs to know that and she will see you taking responsibility for your actions. You are not an awful Mum.

Take a deep breath. You haven't done something unforgivable. You're in shock too. Don't do anything rash, wait until you feel calm and approach her in a calm voice. Say you were wrong to hit her and this isn't the way you deal with issues, but explain why you saw red. It'll be ok OP, I promise.

Don't wait or send her away. Go in now and apologise say you are sorry you lost your temper and pinched her leg/swore.
It wasn't her fault she was made to take them out but I can see why it pushed your buttons. Just be honest and say you are really upset about your actions but that she also should not scream and shout at you.
It sounds like she is too young to look after her ears I would leave it now unless she pays when she is older or has them as a birthday gift.
Kids need to see us apologise and also understand we can make mistakes.
She will want a big hug and chat but if you don't do that now it will all build up to more than it is.

You need to apologise and not go it again. She needs to not be allowed any more ear piercings as she is obviously not able to look after them.

If she was told to take them out its not her fault. She's only ten. She can't be expected to stand up to an adult in authority telling her what to do. Your daughter was right when she said it was not her fault. That was her, in her child's way to an angry parent, trying to explain what happened. It also sounds like she was right that you were being dramatic. She was trying to stand up for herself in a situation that must have been confusing and probably quite frightening for her.

Look, we all fuck up. You didn't listen to her. You took your stress about your adult life out on her. You owe her a sincere apology.

And yes, you both can move past this. Repair is more important than rupture.

Hi OP,

How are you both doing now?

You've done well to get to 10 without losing it. Apologise and explain why you got mad and also explain why it was wrong. Kids are resilient and it was a rare occurrence, i actually think this a good opportunity for you to teach her accountability.

I remember one incident like this. My mum completely lost it (I don’t remember why) and I was utterly scared of her for a while.

So you pinched your child? Smacked her? Then swore at her? And all of the previous replies are giving you sympathy. If somebody had posted that a male had done the same to his child, it would be "LTB", "unforgivable", "assault", "a danger to children" etc etc.

FWIW, you should feel bad, you've physically assaulted your child.

You need to talk to her - dancing often does require earrings taken out so I am unsure where she was being a brat - forcing earrings in is going to hurt.

You slapped her leg when she was a brat - this isn’t the right place to post as people on here will label you a near serial killer. Don’t worry about it, give yourself a break and move on. Apologise and explain it was the right way to react but you were frustrated.

In the real world I don’t know anybody who would have a fit about it but you will be judged on here within an inch of your life. Nobody is traumatised from being slapped in the leg once when they were naughty Children are dealing with prolonged physical, mental, sexual abuse, neglect, parental addiction etc - this is really nothing.

We are bringing up unfortunately a generation of over entitled brats -when they become parents they will not be selfless and will struggle to cope as they have been over entitled and indulged their whole lives. Society will then change again and it will be all about strict boundaries for children!

Yep, because her daughter did what she was told to do at a dance class and followed instructions.

My mum slapped me at 11 and I still remember it. Awful behaviour.

I feel quite sick reading this. For some reason it’s the pinching that’s done that not the slapping. But I’m not going to make you feel worse.
You do need to go in now and apologise to her and mean it! It’s never ok to hit someone and she needs to know that and that you won’t do it again.

This.

Next time she wants her ears pierced she will need to be old enough to both pay for them and consent to them on her own without your help.

We are bringing up unfortunately a generation of over entitled brats -when they become parents they will not be selfless and will struggle to cope as they have been over entitled and indulged their whole lives.

Let's pinch, hit and swear at them. That'll teach em!

And this is why body modifications should be illegal for under 18s.

All of this because a CHILD didn’t look after piercings. Children aren’t meant to look after wounds. That’s an adult’s job.

You’ve behaved appallingly.

Imagine a poster saying her husband did this to her. What would your advice be?

but equally her behaviour was not acceptable

She's ten, One adult in authority over her told her to do one thing. Then another got angry at her for doing the thing she was told to do and punished her for doing the thing the other adult told her to do. When she tried to explain to the adult parent, that parent did not listen. This was a child who tried to do what was right, tried to explain and was still punished. Someone above said OP was pushed beyond her limits, but actually, it was the ten year old who was. No wonder she kicked off. Where else did the adult leave her to go? It was the parent who shut down the path of reasonable discussion.

None of this is the child's fault and she is right to feel that this is deeply unfair. OP needs to totally own this one. That's the only way to repair this. The child was treated unfairly and badly and she knows it. OP trying to shift some blame onto the child when she speaks to her will damage any attempt at repair. And this really needs repair.

You punished her for something that wasn't her fault. She was told by the adult responsible for her at the time that she had to take them out. Take out your anger on the dance teacher who told her to do something she shouldn't have been told to do.

It's just earrings. Of all the hills to die on this wasn't the thing to ever lose it like that over.

Hug her tight, apologise to her, tell her you love her, resolve not to do anything like this again. And mean it.

I wouldn’t send her anywhere. You both really need to reconnect and speak openly about this. I would start the conversation with a simply sorry. Explains that yes you saw red, you overreacted and you should not have pinched / slapped her. Acknowledge that no matter how upset you are hitting isn’t ok. She’ll remember this but she’ll also remember your response.

when you’re apologising, it’s also an opportunity to open it up and talk about her feelings. I wouldn’t recommending saying something like “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have acted that way, but…” and turning the conversation about her behaviour. There’s a time and place for that, and it absolutely should be discussed, but for the here and now just own what you did, apologise, and cuddle your girl.

@goinginsaneinthemembrane sometimes I think I live in a parallel universe when I read some of the stuff on here.

The utter outrage, and rightly so, that would be posted if a man had done this.

Sorry to hear you were slapped, I was too by my poor excuse of a Mother. Once, she slapped the back of my legs and called me a "little cunt" for waking her up aged 7 because she'd fallen asleep with a cigarette. I'll never forget it. Ever.