I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

[micpop]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

It is not the end of the world OP, but you lost control and you are the adult here. I am a CP social worker and spend much of my duty week dealing with similar amongst the more long-term/serious issues. I do not condone it, but I get it. We would most likely assess and close if a one off with a couple of sessions around managing behaviour and your response. You need to speak to your DC when calm, acknowledge what you have done and not to respond when you are both angry in the future. You have crossed a line here and you need to learn from it. Your daughter is now a tween and parenting becomes a very different thing.

You pinched her?!
What the fuck is with these responses?!
It's fucking vile and absolutely not acceptable or excusable.
She took her ear piercings out, so the consequence is that she doesn't get them pierced again, end of. The whole argument was stupid.

You need to go and apologise and make it clear that your behaviour was absolutely not acceptable.

What’s done is done. You need to apologise, admit you were wrong to react that way, explain parents get it wrong sometimes. Give her a big hug and promise it will not happen again.

For those saying the replies would be different if this was a dad posting, well lots of replies would be yes, not mine though.

While I half agree with you (nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes), I don’t think she was being a brat at all! Her teacher told her to take the earrings out, she had no choice, they hurt her getting them put in again so she panicked and told her mother to stop.

OP, go and apologise to her. The difference between what your mother did and what you do can be that you repair it by apologising. Show her that when we mess up, we own it and we fix it. Don’t mention her behaviour or lay any blame on her (besides, it doesn’t sound like it was her fault in the slightest). Just talk about your behaviour, hug her, tell her you love her and that you’re very sorry.

You're not an awful mother. An awful mother wouldn’t be feeling guilty.

I agree the pinching feels worse than the slap.

You need to go and apologise and talk it through with her. Sending her to stay at her dads will make her feel worse.

So much melodrama on this thread. It was a pinch and a leg slap foor goodness sake. A 10 year old isn't going to be scarred for life over that.

As for the PP who wrote the OP "will pay and pay and pay.." Give me strength!

OP's - your behaviour obviously wasn't ideal but sometimes when you are a parent you lose your shit. Apologise and move on. I very much doubt this 'incident' will result in your DD needing therapy in years to come (but a few of the people who've responded to this thread could definetly benefit from some).

Why do you think she's too young to look after them? The OP even says she's been looking after them. The teacher told her to take them out, why is doing as she was told by an adult in authority something she did wrong??

@gettingoldisshit can you not see that you are blatantly blaming the DD when she was the one who was pinched, hit and sworn at.

If a woman yelled at her husband for leaving his socks on the floor, would you say she deserved to be physically assaulted by him? That she was being a nag and he lost it.

What the OP did so completely overshadows any of the DDs behaviour, which actually wasn’t anything terrible. There is absolutely no justification for this level of physical punishment.

I understand people wanting to reassure the OP that she isn’t a terrible parent but there’s no need to shift the blame to her DD.

If she tells anyone at school you're in serious trouble with social services. You need help. I would reach out for it. No excuse to ever physically hurt a child. If someone did that to you how would you get over it ?

Absolutely this. My mum hit me once and I’ve never forgotten it.

Pinching and hitting seems quite nasty - like you actually wanted to cause her pain. You should have apologised straight away.

The pinch is much worse than the slap but the fact you got back to the house and didn’t immediately go and speak to her but instead posted a huge paragraph (complete with unnecessary detail and context) is insane. Poor child must be in her room feeling absolutely terrified and miserable.

First things first OP - you are the adult, you must apologise.

2nd, unless it was done this week, or last week, there's no way a piercing would heal over in the space of a dance class.

When your DD said the pier ing wasn't her choice, us that true, or was she just acting out? Because if it wasn't her fully informed choice to have her ears pierced (again) then it's hard to see how she's being unreasonable.

But ultimately, you're the parent- it's up to you to control your actions, and you shouldn't have pinched or slapped your poor DD.

I shall remember posters on here who try to justify a woman encouraging another woman to use violence against her child.
In England if your violence towards your child has resulted in any of the following you will be in serious trouble

The Director of Public Prosecutions for England and Wales has produced a charging standard in order to help prosecutors to determine the appropriate offence in a case. This guidance has suggested that common assault is where injuries amount to no more than the following:
grazes;
scratches;
abrasions;
minor bruising;
swellings;
reddening of the skin;
superficial cuts;

Did your attack on your child result in reddening of the skin? Did the pinch cause scratching? It cannot be justified and you will be in trouble if your daughter's school finds out.

@WhatWouldHopperDo oh do give over! Stop being so dramatic! The child was a brat and learnt that there were consequences to that 🤷‍♀️. Now its time to move on!

I cannot believe the number of people calling her a brat.

She was told by a teacher she needs to remove her earrings. She followed the instructions. Her mum then got annoyed and punished her for following instructions. And when she tried to justify herself and tell her mum that she is indeed overreacting, she gets physically assaulted by her mum.

And she’s the brat?!

That one incident will stay with her OP, talking from experience. What will help is how you now deal with it. Go and apologise and make it right. You’re the grown up here - act like it.

And all the other PPs who condone OP’s behaviour, blaming the daughter when she absolutely nothing wrong, shame on you. I assume you similarly blame a wife when her husband slaps her?

I don't understand your rage about this, it seems more about getting your own way than a punishment really. You could try to learn about processing your emotions. Because she's only 10. She's going to hit far closer to the bone with her criticisms over the next 10 years.

The most disturbing thing about this thread is that there are women, presumably mothers, who can read the OP and think the child was being a brat (and not the Mother). The unconscious belief that must underpin this conclusion is surely that young children must always be able to behave in a calm and respectful way, regardless of provocation, injustice and in the face of the raging anger of another, but adults cannot be expected to behave calmly and respectfully in such circumstances.

Everyone calling this child a brat should be deeply, deeply ashamed of themselves.

No, it's not okay. No, she was not being a brat. No, it's not justifiable and those people justifying it need to have a word with themselves.

From her point of view you hurt her until she would have done anything to Make It Stop (I remember similar rows with my mum over her wanting to squeeze my spots or force me to wear mascara). You then got cross with her for not being able to tolerate it, blamed her for needing to remove them, hurt her and then drove away for ten minutes.

No wonder she's not talking to you. She doesn't know if you're still angry and likely to lash out, or packing to leave. She didn't know if you were coming back. Do not make this worse by sending her away. Fix it. Pronto.

Of course your behaviour isn't acceptable, the OP knows this hence she's feeling terrible about it! However she was clearly at the end of her tether and her child had clearly pushed her over the edge with her bratty behaviour. It's all well and dandy people on here pointing out it was wrong and she should've done x, y or z but in the heat of the moment it's not so easy to take a step back and be rational.

You know you've done wrong OP. All you can do now is apologise to your dd, explain what happened, that sometimes we all make mistakes and it won't happen again. But also ensure that she knows screaming and crying and generally bratty behaviour is not acceptable and won't be tolerated.
If OP was a terrible mother she wouldn't be wracked with guilt posting on here for advice on the matter.

@Eastie77Returns
Are you really justifying a woman using physical violence against her child? The law is quite clear on this and it makes me realise how some mothers appear to think they are above the law.
I await your appearance on threads to defend Dads who pinch and slap their children.

Honestly quite amazed (and shocked) that people who I assume are parents themselves think it's okay to pinch and hurt a 10yo child because they were 'a brat' (which they weren't.) God help your kids if you think this is typical parenting or that the child deserved it.

Imo all the hysteria on here about a minor incident just goes to show why there are so many feral children with absolutely zero respect for anyone else roaming about these days!

I suspect those posters have had similar unjustifiable moments with their children and are trying to make themselves feel better. It’s absolutely shocking how many people are calling the child who simply followed instructions and was punished for it a brat, whilst supporting the mum for pinching and slapping her. For me, pinching is much more calculated than a slap.

It has been one off, Apologise and don't do it again.

How was she being a brat??? She was told to remove them at dance, how on earth is that her fault? It hurt having them put back in, so she cried and was then punished for it. I am utterly gobsmacked that anyone thinks this is ok. Yes you absolutely fucked up. She did nothing wrong, you over reacted and she was upset at being unfairly punished - and you hit her. You pinched her, slapped her and then sent her inside and drove away.
I'm not going to tell you your behaviour is ok because frankly it's atrocious. Clearly you feel awful, so you obviously are remorseful. All you can do is focus on moving forward and reassuring her you'll never do this again. You're the adult, act like it.

Posters acting like this is the child's fault and how it's not a big deal, fucking shocking. Feel deeply sorry for your children.