I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

[micpop]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

I think it’s something you’ll feel guilty about but context is absolutely everything.

A child being kicked, pinched, sworn at, slapped on a weekly basis? Awful. A child who has spent the day alone, watching telly inside, eating crap food and is then pinched? Horrid. A mother who doesn’t spend time with her child, doesn’t play with them, take them to activities, doesn’t talk to them and slaps them? Pretty crap.

On the other hand, a mother who has spent the day with her daughter, treated her and her friends, taken her to her dancing and has never in 10 years raised her voice at her daughter, and feels so awful about the pinch she writes about it on a public forum?!
I think both mother and daughter will be totally fine in this scenario.
xxx

FWIW I think you might be mistaken about my feelings on this. I don't think it is in the least bit ok and have been very clear about that. But I also don't see how continued bullying of the child's mother is supposed to make it better for the child. The posts which I've called out are those which have offered no constructive advice about how to improve things going forward for the child. Because that's all that matters. No amount of online messages vilifying the OP is going to make this better for the child - all those posters will wake up tomorrow and go about their normal lives without a second thought for the OP's daughter.

It doesn't matter whether she is anonymous to others posting on the thread - on the other side of her computer, she is a real person and still one of the two most important people in this child's life. To my mind "Be kind" as it relates to this thread means trying to help the OP achieve the best outcome for her child given that no-one can undo what has already happened.

sophieinparis do you know what love bombing is? Do you understand that infrequent but violent behaviour is scarier than predictable, regular violence?

Maybe read up on it.

Tonight I picked my WIFE/GIRLFRIEND/BEST FRIEND/COLLEAGUE up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in that I'd bought her. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to help put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

Imagine an adult had posted this about another adult in this situation? A grown man hitting, shouting and swearing at a woman, would cause outrage, but a grown woman doing the same to a small child deserves sympathy?! Why do we as a society seem to have such little tolerance for genuine mistakes that children make, but when grown adults, (who can and do make fuck ups all the time), mess up, we are expected to get treated with respect and as equals every time? Your kids aren't going to show you respect as they grow, if you don't show them respect back. And "respect" out of fear, definitely doesn't count. I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent by any means, but sometimes when my children do something that frustrates me, like forgetting their things, accidentally breaking something, doing something wrong/stupid/wreckless, I think about how I would deal with it if they were a colleague, friend, co worker... I'd say "don't worry, it was an accident, we all make mistakes!" And I try to treat my children with that same level of reassurance and respect. They're young, and should be allowed far more leeway than grown adults. We all fuck things up alllllll the time, and don't get hit because of it.

He wouldn't get full custody based upon that event only. If there was a string of incidents and social services involvement etc then perhaps but not for this.

Oh god.That was an awful read. I won't pile on you cos you've had that already, but please seek help.If you did that on a 'happy/nice/pleasant' day, what could happen on a bad day?

Yes! It is exactly how I feel sometimes. Exactly....

Is jealous the right word though? To me it is more the feeling of being made a mug. Respect was tought to me in a physical way, which in hindsight is not so much respect as it is fear. And now as a parent I struggle with getting the feeling of being respected by dc. And maybe a parent would not think that way if not brought up with violence.
Can you elaborate on why you commented this? I am intrigued as I recognize myself in what you describe.

On topic; a slap is not the same as physical violence. I say that from experience. And would my parents ever have apologized I would love them for it, learn from it that people make mistakes, parents also get tired, stressed, mistake, frustrated etc.
Apologize and she'll love you for it.
And then forgive yourself too. Try to think of ways to not do it again. Giving yourself a 10m break is smart! I read somewhere that a time-out works great! Not for kids, but for parents. It does 😘

THIS 200%%%%%%%%%

I agree. I find pinching worse than slapping as to me it needs an extra level of anger rather than a quick reaction slap out of anger.

OP you are right to be feeling bad. You need to apologise to your child and work on keeping your temper!!

I disagree with every single apologist on here saying it's ok to physically hurt your children.

Oh come on, this is getting ridiculous now.

No one is saying what op did is ok, but suggesting that all of her parenting to date (covering 10 years) has been abusive because this incident happened is just silly.

Jesus. The OP was bad. But some of the posts on here are horrific. This thread is like Salem.

goodoccasionallypoor

Random sporadic violent episodes is walking on eggshells - never knowing what caused it or how to stop it happening again.

I left an "occasionally abusive" marriage a few years ago and this is the sort of behaviour that leaves psychological marks. It can't happen again.

That was upsetting just to read, so I can't imagine how you and your daughter must be feeling.

I can't say much as you clearly know it's unacceptable.
My worry would be that as it came completely out of nowhere is it likely to happen again.

I wouldn't have even attempted to put the earrings back in if she was saying no and it was hurting her.
Pinching her leg and hitting her - I just have no words.

That is so disgusting. So what if she had her at 19. You are nothing more than a gas lighter saying that. Grow up.

The pinching makes it so much worse. Because that’s not just lashing out in the heat of the moment - that’s actual malice.

Would a husband who had never laid a finger on his wife and brought home flowers for her and cooked dinner and cleared up but then shoved her head into a doorframe for the first time during a row be excused too?

No, I'm questioning you accusing op of 'love bombing' her daughter.

You have no basis for that and are basically just making stuff up.

I know. It's not in anyway helpful.

@Inkpotlover How is what OP did comparable to someone shoving someone's head into a door frame?

Has no one ever pushed there fingers together a little too tight when dc frustrated the fuck out of them? Perhaps yes, but years ago, when dc1 wouldnt get her shoes on while spitting on the floor walking through it, dc2 is screaming because dc3 is nibbling on their fave stuffed animal, and you need to get going to work or anywhere else. But you did not write it down and forgot about it and are now judging someone really hard for being honest and feeling extremely shit about it.

This may get lost amongst the people arguing with each other but fwiw, you are not a bad person. You've made a huge mistake. You've taken steps to apologise however seeking help to find what triggered you is absolutely a good idea. If you don't and it happens again then my opinion would differ.
We are not given a book on parenting, most of us (if not all) are winging it. Some people are already aware they have anger issues from previous trauma and have already had help pre children to taking steps to deal with it. You have just discovered you have something you have to deal with. How you go from here is the most important thing.

For the people that come on just to shame with no constructive advice. You may be lucky in that you had a wonderful upbringing, some people did not and carry that trauma forward unaware that it might resurface.

Honestly OP delete this thread. Some of the pp here are just relishing the opportunity to pile in on you and it's getting increasingly unhinged.

Very well said.

And those who are vilifying the OP and being downright nasty are abusive themselves.

I second that. Shocking the way some people on here pile on. That could ultimately lead to someone doing something serious to themselves in a vulnerable frame of mind.

Havent read the full thread

I suggest you apologise and explain why you lost control. Tell her it's not okay and won't happen again. But equally she needs to be respectful.

And if you feel you're going to lose it again, step away. Lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to until you're in control again