I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

[micpop]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

Good god; imagine if this was the DF who'd done this. All of the "ah it was only a slap" people would be singing a different tune. Poor kid

So assaulting a child to make them behave in a way you see fit is okay is it?

The only "feral" things I see here is idiots like you, violence isn't the answer.

I do agree with the double standards. She should be sorry for how she behaved, hopefully the child is at her dads whilst OP calms down and realises a 10 year old child has simply followed instructions to take out her earrings. You need to make sure this doesn't happen again OP.

If OP was a terrible mother she wouldn't be wracked with guilt posting on here for advice on the matter.

Why do people always say this? That’s just not how morality or emotions work. There aren’t good parents that hit their kids but feel guilty about it and bad parents that hit their kids but feel entirely positive and justified about it. It’s a bit more nuanced than that.

I feel confused/stressed reading this as an adult. The pinching is the worst bit I think. That was spiteful. I can almost understand a smack out of fear or loss of control, like if DC ran into the road or went to touch something hot or sharp, but a pinch is not like that. Also you seem more annoyed about money, but it's spent now, just don't spend it again. I think you need to apologise to your DD and admit that your behaviour was wrong. I also think you need to 'feel' this as much as you are so that it never happens again.

Wow, can't believe someone said she was being a brat.
10 is young to be responsible for the after care of pierced ears which isn't always simple.
Then she resurrected the dance instructors requirement to take them out in class.
Then she cried/made a fuss because it was hurting trying to get them back in.
Then you saw red over the wasted money for a choice that you made which hasn't gone well due to entirely common issues.
Then you hurt her physically and punished her further by banning TV.

None of this is ok and anyone suggesting she was a brat in this situation needs to re-read the op.

But, you are genuinely remorseful. You know you resorted to horrible reactions imprinted from young. You don't want to do this again.

I think you need to show her your remorse. Admit what triggered you (which is not admirable but the only fix here is honesty) it's not her fault, and demonstrate that you know she didn't cause this problem, that you believe she was responding fairly and understandably, and you were in the wrong.

Show her you are willing to admit when you've made a mistake. Tell her you are sorry and mean it. Then accept she might need time to recover from this traumatic episode.

@wombridgewalkabout well funny enough i have managed to raise four very well balanced dc who are all adults now and all four are very decent adults!

I can only imagine the response of a man had posted this...

Screaming at her, pinching and slapping her - all because of a pair of earrings

I do understand what it's like to have that loss of control but honestly, you should feel bad about this and apologise to her and then work on next time this happens and how you'll deal with it

Respect? You think you garner respect from smacking a little kid half your size for doing fuck all wrong? If anyone is feral it's you.

I don't see where she was being a brat, she was told to take them out during dance class. They wouldn't have healed over but you should have waited until home so you could put them in properly.

I hope you've apologised and spoken to her about it by now.

They may be, but you absolutely are not.

If that's the consequences you give as a parent, you're a really shit one. The child wasn't being a brat, she was telling her mum what had happened.

Agree. It's pathetic.

The purposeful pinching makes this particularly bad if I am honest (a slap is not okay but could be seen as impulsive but you pinched her to cause pain and then again slapped her?) as is the fact that you are trying to further punish her by sending her away because you are ashamed of your own behavior (which honestly in this occasion you should be) and all that for what? Because your kids took her earrings off under the request of an adult with authority (her teacher) and because she was telling you you were over reacting (which you were)?

seriously:

1- Apologize to your daughter. Honestly and tell her that what you did was absolutely unacceptable and that there is no excuse for it and that no matter what she did, you should have never ever been violent towards her as it’s NEVER okay to be violent against someone else (and mean it, and please do not try and imply she pushed you to do this. You are an adult. You shouldn’t be pushed to hit a kid no matter how much they push your buttons and honestly based on the story you must have very low tolerance as she really wasn’t that bad.)

2- Consult for your anger issues and to heal from your past. Clearly there are a lot of unresolved issues here and whilst it’s okay, you clearly need help in making sure you heal your own wounds and get the support you need so that violence doesn’t become your way to deal with conflict. You can break the cycle, but you need to put in the work and get the appropriate help.

3- Don’t let her have earrings until she is an adult and can afford to get it done and to deal with the consequences of not following the after care procedures.

4- Stop sweating the small stuff. Plus it is HER Body. Even if you wanted her to keep the earrings on, it’s her body. She should be able to remove something like earrings whenever she wants. Being hit and punished for removing something from her body shouldn’t be a thing.

Yes it’s unfortunate you spent money twice for something she clearly isn’t taking good care of but the lesson for you is more that maybe she shouldn’t have her ears pierced and therefore to hold back on getting them pierced a third time.

It was a total non-issue and your turned it into something back and traumatic.

« Hey DD, I understand that the teacher asked you to take off your earrings and that it’s hard to say no to an adult in charge so I am not mad, but the piercer had said that they couldn’t be removed for a few days, unfortunately, it does mean that if they have scabbed over that you might not be able to wear earrings in the future as I don’t have the funds to get you pierced a third time. »

That’s it. That’s all it should have taken. Instead you punished her in multiple ways for doing what an adult told her to do.

Please apologize to your daughter, hug it out and do better. And if she holds a grudge for a while, give her lots of grace and talk it through calmly over the next few weeks because she is more than entitled to.

@elm26 so i take it you are one of those parents who have feral brats that you don't ever reprimand and inflict their behaviour on the rest of us?

Just the one post OP?

You're not a shit mum you've messed up and behaved badly. I agree with others, the pinching followed by a slap makes it worse.
You need to apologise to her sincerely, it won't mess her up but she needs to see you owning your shit so to speak,
The only way police or social services will get involved is of your daughter tells a teacher at school what happened

She wasn’t being a brat but even if she was, even if she was being the worst 10 year old on the planet, it is never ok to hit a child. There is a reason it is illegal in many countries.

Violence breeds violence as the OP has demonstrated. What happens next time another child is being a ‘brat’ to thr 10 year old - she will think it’s ok to slap them as her main role model has just demonstrated.

I cannot believe the amount of people saying "oh, it's fine, everyone looses their temper sometimes"

Yes. True. Shouting, storming off, maybe even swearing. Not ideal, but understandable. But it is NOT ok to pinch and slap anyone!!! If the poster was saying her husband had done it to her or the child there would be (quite rightly) outrage.

I've lost my shit at times. I've never hit anyone. This wouldn't be acceptable towards an adult, it's even worse towards a child, even if she'd done something really bad (which, it sounds like, she hadn't)

Also, pinching is just nasty. It's not a reaction, it's a calculated move.

You should tell her dad what you have done so that he can protect her.

I would’ve been angry with the dance teacher not my daughter. I’ve never hit my daughter and never would and pinching is nasty. She will remember this.

Would you come back to this thread?? I'm not sure I would if I was the OP. It hasn't gone well for her.

You’re quite happy for another adult to pinch and slap you when you’ve done something (something you’ve been asked to do, mind), that has upset them?

Everyone deserves respect. Not just adults.

Poor dd, abused and punished for doing as she was told, horrible.

@Dragonsandcats

Can you explain how she was being a brat?