Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

486 replies

micpop · 01/05/2023 18:37

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 01/05/2023 19:19

wombridgewalkabout · 01/05/2023 18:48

If she was told to take them out its not her fault. She's only ten. She can't be expected to stand up to an adult in authority telling her what to do. Your daughter was right when she said it was not her fault. That was her, in her child's way to an angry parent, trying to explain what happened. It also sounds like she was right that you were being dramatic. She was trying to stand up for herself in a situation that must have been confusing and probably quite frightening for her.

Look, we all fuck up. You didn't listen to her. You took your stress about your adult life out on her. You owe her a sincere apology.

And yes, you both can move past this. Repair is more important than rupture.

This with spades on.

ShowUs · 01/05/2023 19:20

I wonder if OP posted that her DH pinched and slapped her how many posters would be saying he was in the right and it was OPs fault for acting the way she did.

elm26 · 01/05/2023 19:20

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:17

@elm26 so i take it you are one of those parents who have feral brats that you don't ever reprimand and inflict their behaviour on the rest of us?

You're a disgusting, vile person.

Your poor kids. I can guarantee that they remember you assaulting them and feel negatively about it. I dislike my Mum very much for her physical and mental abuse.

You can raise children who aren't brats without having to assault them.

SorePaw · 01/05/2023 19:20

Dragonsandcats · 01/05/2023 19:05

You’re not an awful person, she was behaving like a brat and you made a mistake. Apologise and then delete this thread.

FMD WHAT IS IT with you people??

how on Earth can you say she was 'being a brat'

shes a 10 year old child who took her earrings out when her teacher told her she had to. She was telling her mother it wasn't her fault.

she told her mother she was being over dramatic when she was and when she was hurting her trying cack handedly shove her earrings back in.

the CHILD DID NOTHING WRONG.

Original poster
micpop · 01/05/2023 19:21

Yes I've totally fucked up. I have spoken to her, we both had a cry and a hug. I have apologised and apologised, have explained that she should never be treated like that by anyone and that I lost my temper and reacted in an appalling way. I said I understand that she was just following instructions regarding the earrings and that the blame of the whole situation is solely on me. She says she is fine and 'forgives me' bless her. She's showered, McDonalds is ordered and she's chilling with me on the sofa.

OP posts:
wombridgewalkabout · 01/05/2023 19:21

@Yerroblemom1923 But also ensure that she knows screaming and crying and generally bratty behaviour is not acceptable and won't be tolerated

Yeah, Yerroblemom1923, OP should probably make sure she uses the phrase 'Sorry, but you made me do it.'

Its the shouting, swearing, pinching, hitting, refusing to listen to the daughter's explanation (teacher made me take it out) that is the bratty behaviour. That's what is not acceptable. The child has no blame here.

ladydimitrescu · 01/05/2023 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

More than happy to be a judgmental prick when it comes to disagreeing with hitting children.

WhatWouldHopperDo · 01/05/2023 19:21

@gettingoldisshit I also have grown up, well adjusted kids. No feral kids here. I’ve never laid a finger on them though, ever.

I assume you’re being deliberately goady. Of course not everyone who opposes
physical punishment of kids has feral kids themselves.

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:22

@elm26 you are also clearly a drama queen! My dc are all very close to me and they are all lovely respectful people!

Petrapanacotta · 01/05/2023 19:22

So you Possibly damaged her poor skin by pushing studs through
pinched her, slapped her, shouted at her, threatened her with a treat withdrawal twice TV, MC.Then left her alone abandoned her while she had a bath. As an adult!

The kid was forced to take her earrings out by another adult doing what she was told. She tried to explain. Yes she got emotional. She's a child.

Don't care if your a woman or a man! Bloody out of order.

Read it back to yourself..

Get some help.

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 01/05/2023 19:22

I’d usually be sympathetic and say ‘You’re only human’ blah blah but it sounds like such an insignificant thing to be so angry about. Trying to force the earrings into her ears while your DD was screaming isn’t really acceptable so no wonder she said you were being dramatic. You were being dramatic!

DancingWithTheMoonlitKnight · 01/05/2023 19:22

I can't see how she was being a brat. She didn't take the earrings out by choice.

BellaJuno · 01/05/2023 19:23

You’ve assaulted your child because she followed the rules set by another adult. And you’re not talking to her and are still cross about her taking the earrings out because she was told to by another adult.

I’d ask her dad to have her so she can process this in a calmer environment. And work out how you can access some support with your parenting.

LiliLil · 01/05/2023 19:23

micpop · 01/05/2023 19:21

Yes I've totally fucked up. I have spoken to her, we both had a cry and a hug. I have apologised and apologised, have explained that she should never be treated like that by anyone and that I lost my temper and reacted in an appalling way. I said I understand that she was just following instructions regarding the earrings and that the blame of the whole situation is solely on me. She says she is fine and 'forgives me' bless her. She's showered, McDonalds is ordered and she's chilling with me on the sofa.

Well done OP.

Learn from it x

Hercules12 · 01/05/2023 19:24

Op- you’ve dealt with it and it’s time to move on. I would not look at this thread again.

elm26 · 01/05/2023 19:24

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:22

@elm26 you are also clearly a drama queen! My dc are all very close to me and they are all lovely respectful people!

I'll take being a drama queen over thinking it's okay to assault children any day of the week. Off you fuck.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/05/2023 19:24

Well I was a child at a time when smacking was an acceptable punishment and I don't feel scarred by it. But I can categorically state that I only ever got a smack on the back of the hand or leg, if 'the look', and the count to 3 had failed., and then it was a short quick smack that didn't leave a mark. I was certainly never ever pinched, told to go inside whilst the adult went off, sworn at, or smacked for following the teachers instructions.

I can kind of understand a smack if you are at the end of your tether, but to pinch first then smack is totally wrong, and yes if a man had done it there would be 100% of answers saying get somewhere safe, leave him, phone police.

Innocentsongs · 01/05/2023 19:24

@gettingoldisshit
I have been a teacher for thirty odd years and I have never hit a child. If I had I would be sacked on the spot and the police would be involved.
I really really don't know how you can try to justify using violence against a child

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 01/05/2023 19:24

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:02

This is spades! You will get labelled a child abuser on here op! These things happen, she was being a brat and you lost it! Not the end of the world and she most definitely won't be mentally damaged for life! Just talk about it calmly and rationally with her, explaining that you were wrong for slapping her but that she was wrong for acting the way she did.

Show quote history

So if you're yelling at your husband about something, it it OK for him to pinch and slap you?

Greenfairydust · 01/05/2023 19:24

I am sorry but this really is not great.

''I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. ''

I found reading this really upsetting. It was not appropriate for you to do that to her.

You should not have tried to just put the earrings back on and you certainly should not have hit your girl afterwards.

You need to apologise to her and say that you are sorry you lost your temper and that what you did wasn't right.

She is 10 and you are the adult. Take responsibility for your actions.

If you think you might be struggling with your anger in general and worried you are repeating the same patterns as your parents then please seek support and speak to someone.

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:24

@elm26 yawn! Such a shame we can't all be as perfect as you

wombridgewalkabout · 01/05/2023 19:25

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:15

@wombridgewalkabout well funny enough i have managed to raise four very well balanced dc who are all adults now and all four are very decent adults!

Doesn't mean you are right about this and calling this child a brat in this case is utterly shameful.

mbosnz · 01/05/2023 19:25

When I said 'you will pay, and pay, and pay', what I meant was that yes, your daughter will remember this, you will remember this, and it will come up time and again. And every time, you will feel like shit. Pretty much as you should. (I know this from my unforgivable (to me) cock ups and failures as a parent.)

elm26 · 01/05/2023 19:25

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:24

@elm26 yawn! Such a shame we can't all be as perfect as you

Not perfect by any stretch, I just know that it is and always will be disgusting and wrong to assault a child. Or anyone for that matter.

Petrapanacotta · 01/05/2023 19:25

@micpop get some support. This might happen again. Your basically turning into your mum. And I know how much that will frighten and scare you. It's a wake up call. It's a hard truth but once you face it you can move on and heal yourself (child self) and parent better as an adult

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.