I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

[micpop]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

I was answering the poster who said it was a one-off after OP had spent the day treating her daughter and should therefore be excused. My point, using the husband and doorframe example, is that one-off violence can never be justified just because someone's been a bit nice beforehand.

@ThingsthatgoBumpintheDay Completely agree as it does happen. Many years ago (when I was in a very bad place emotionally), I had people attacking me like this on a different forum and it made me suicidal.

It's never ok to bully people online. The ironic thing is, they are saying the OP is an abuser but their comments make them abusive too.

You did a bad thing. But you're devastated about it because you recognise it was bad and would do anything to take it back. I don't think you should be calling the police etc on yourself. Instead you need to address the underlying cause of the incident. I think you need to have a chat with your daughter, once things have calmed down, in a gentle way about how you saved money up so she could have the earrings done and then she said she never wanted them done which upset and hurt you. And the same about not respecting things you buy her etc. You can explain in an age appropriate way that doesn't make her feel pressured that you love her and are trying your best to provide for her so it's upsetting if you feel she doesn't respect that. You'll love her always no matter what but she could really help you by taking care of her things. Perhaps also if you can afford it/find some free counselling sessions that might benefit you given how upsetting this whole thing has been for you and the trauma it has brought back from your childhood.

Because I felt that the OP had received a lot of messages telling her that people had been traumatised being hit by parents and I just wanted to share that this won’t necessarily be the way her daughter feels about a one off incident. At the end of the day, the OP feels dreadful about what she did so I don’t think that telling her how awful she is and how much she has traumatised her child is particularly helpful or useful.
Im not sure what your ‘gamble’ comment means because it’s a bit late for that, the OP has already acted.

@Inkpotlover

That poster was saying that the pattern of behaviour is important, which it is, at least to anyone who isn't intent on tearing this woman apart.

@Royalbloo

Are you suggesting that regular violence once per week is better than a one off incident? I don't see how that can be right

Yes I've totally fucked up. I have spoken to her, we both had a cry and a hug. I have apologised and apologised, have explained that she should never be treated like that by anyone and that I lost my temper and reacted in an appalling way. I said I understand that she was just following instructions regarding the earrings and that the blame of the whole situation is solely on me. She says she is fine and 'forgives me' bless her. She's showered, McDonalds is ordered and she's chilling with me on the sofa.

I hope you can forgive yourself OP ... it sounds like you have done all the right things and do not need to take it further... Just be extra loving to both your daughter and yourself for the next few days. It was a huge shock to you on so many levels and is very tough on both of you. Sending you love and

(flowers)

Meant to be a pretty bunch but may not work as its a while since I've used the icons!

I agree!

This was all over a pair of earrings which is scary.

Most of us would feel empathy if our child was screaming and crying in pain, not more angry.

The fact that this made you so angry that you emotionally punished her by refusing to take her to McDonald’s and then physically punished her by pinching and slapping her and then carried on the emotion abuse by not talking to her and carried it on for so long - is very concerning.

Obviously if you were treated like this as a child then it’s not uncommon that this is how you’re going to behave as it’s how you were taught but as the PP said you need to break this cycle.

So, she was told to take them out. Forgot them. Got them back and you have tried to put them in but it’s been sore so she asked you not to. You then decided she wasn’t to get a McDonald’s because of this. She got upset. So, you hit her?

I would go and apologise to her.

What you did was vile and unforgivable but at least you know you were 100% in the wrong.

The posters trying to blame your DD and saying she deserved it are sadistic and it makes me feel sick that they may have children around them.

Evening, everyone. We've had a lot of reports on this thread. We're going to close the thread to new posts for a while to give us a chance to go through everything.