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Original poster

I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

486 replies

micpop · 01/05/2023 18:37

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

OP posts:
DaaamnYoullDo · 01/05/2023 19:25

micpop · 01/05/2023 19:21

Yes I've totally fucked up. I have spoken to her, we both had a cry and a hug. I have apologised and apologised, have explained that she should never be treated like that by anyone and that I lost my temper and reacted in an appalling way. I said I understand that she was just following instructions regarding the earrings and that the blame of the whole situation is solely on me. She says she is fine and 'forgives me' bless her. She's showered, McDonalds is ordered and she's chilling with me on the sofa.

Good job op, the best thing you could have done in the situation. You need to make sure it NEVER happens again, if you're struggling to manage your anger then you need to speak to a doctor, what you did is not a healthy response and it won't fix itself.

PuffinPuffinPenguin · 01/05/2023 19:25

micpop · 01/05/2023 19:21

Yes I've totally fucked up. I have spoken to her, we both had a cry and a hug. I have apologised and apologised, have explained that she should never be treated like that by anyone and that I lost my temper and reacted in an appalling way. I said I understand that she was just following instructions regarding the earrings and that the blame of the whole situation is solely on me. She says she is fine and 'forgives me' bless her. She's showered, McDonalds is ordered and she's chilling with me on the sofa.

I'm glad you've tried to fix this and totally owned what happened and that it was a monumental cock up. Wishing you all the best OP. Flowers

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 01/05/2023 19:25

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:24

@elm26 yawn! Such a shame we can't all be as perfect as you

It's not being a perfect parent to simply not assault your child.

Sugarfish · 01/05/2023 19:26

Really bad form op and you should be feeling awful. You even said it was a stress free day. I feel so bad for your daughter, she was told to take the earrings out, probably for health and safety reasons, and then you have a go at her for just doing what she was told. Poor kid was just doing what an adult in authority told her to do. And then to make matters worse you try and force the earrings back in which would hurt an adult let alone a child. To be honest if my mum had tried that with me when I was that age I probably would have hit or pinched her! If she regularly does physical activities then you probably shouldn’t be getting her ears pierced this young anyway!

FatGirlSwim · 01/05/2023 19:26

It’s illegal in Wales and Scotland, folks, and for good reason. It’s something a school would report if it came to their attention.

This whole thing is really disturbing and those of you saying the child was being a brat aren’t seeing this from the child’s perspective at all.

You have chosen to have her ears pierced twice. You can choose not to have them re-pierced. Dd followed an instruction by an adult in authority.

Did she want her earrings back in? It obviously hurt, so she screamed. Then was punished, so got upset at the injustice. And then you pinched, hit and swore.

It is pretty bad. Do you know what triggered you? Was it feeling stressed about money? You say you can’t afford the piercings? Was it the noise of the screaming? What was going through your head to make you react like that?

You could just have said ‘do you want me to put them back in or let them close, but I can’t pay for them to be pierced again’, then gone to McDonald’s and no drama. I’m not sure what the big deal was. You’ve spent the money whether she keeps the piercings in or not. And was she supposed to refuse when her teacher asked her to remove them?

I don’t think you need to send her to her dads, but I think you need to apologise and mean it, let her know that what happened was not ok, and maybe think about some anger management/ parenting course? You manage not to go around hitting adults so you need to find ways not to hit your child.

This really wasn’t ok on so many levels and whilst you feel terrible, I think you need to feel terrible and acknowledge full responsibility so that it doesn’t happen again. Dd will remember, but she will also remember how you manage this going forward.

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 19:26

Innocentsongs · 01/05/2023 19:24

@gettingoldisshit
I have been a teacher for thirty odd years and I have never hit a child. If I had I would be sacked on the spot and the police would be involved.
I really really don't know how you can try to justify using violence against a child

Well of course you can't smack someone else's child!

Innocentsongs · 01/05/2023 19:26

And yes I have been a Head of Year and yes we would take something like this seriously, particularly the pinching

depre · 01/05/2023 19:26

@PuffinPuffinPenguin

Would you come back to this thread??

OP did, so?

batsandeggs · 01/05/2023 19:26

micpop · 01/05/2023 19:21

Yes I've totally fucked up. I have spoken to her, we both had a cry and a hug. I have apologised and apologised, have explained that she should never be treated like that by anyone and that I lost my temper and reacted in an appalling way. I said I understand that she was just following instructions regarding the earrings and that the blame of the whole situation is solely on me. She says she is fine and 'forgives me' bless her. She's showered, McDonalds is ordered and she's chilling with me on the sofa.

Good. Spend the evening with her, lots of love and repair (not labouring it if you feel you have said what’s needed, just your presence) and from this point on really proving to her through your actions that it truly will never happen again.

Consider what made you lose your cool, and if you need some extra support with general life stressors. It was a shitty thing, but you’ve been battered enough in this thread. Motherhood is really, really rough and it sounds like tonight was one hell of a lesson (for you).

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 01/05/2023 19:27

Eastie77Returns · 01/05/2023 19:07

So much melodrama on this thread. It was a pinch and a leg slap foor goodness sake. A 10 year old isn't going to be scarred for life over that.

As for the PP who wrote the OP "will pay and pay and pay.." Give me strength!

OP's - your behaviour obviously wasn't ideal but sometimes when you are a parent you lose your shit. Apologise and move on. I very much doubt this 'incident' will result in your DD needing therapy in years to come (but a few of the people who've responded to this thread could definetly benefit from some).

So if you're yelling at your partner and he/she pinches and slaps you, that's ok right?

PuffinPuffinPenguin · 01/05/2023 19:27

FatGirlSwim · 01/05/2023 19:26

It’s illegal in Wales and Scotland, folks, and for good reason. It’s something a school would report if it came to their attention.

This whole thing is really disturbing and those of you saying the child was being a brat aren’t seeing this from the child’s perspective at all.

You have chosen to have her ears pierced twice. You can choose not to have them re-pierced. Dd followed an instruction by an adult in authority.

Did she want her earrings back in? It obviously hurt, so she screamed. Then was punished, so got upset at the injustice. And then you pinched, hit and swore.

It is pretty bad. Do you know what triggered you? Was it feeling stressed about money? You say you can’t afford the piercings? Was it the noise of the screaming? What was going through your head to make you react like that?

You could just have said ‘do you want me to put them back in or let them close, but I can’t pay for them to be pierced again’, then gone to McDonald’s and no drama. I’m not sure what the big deal was. You’ve spent the money whether she keeps the piercings in or not. And was she supposed to refuse when her teacher asked her to remove them?

I don’t think you need to send her to her dads, but I think you need to apologise and mean it, let her know that what happened was not ok, and maybe think about some anger management/ parenting course? You manage not to go around hitting adults so you need to find ways not to hit your child.

This really wasn’t ok on so many levels and whilst you feel terrible, I think you need to feel terrible and acknowledge full responsibility so that it doesn’t happen again. Dd will remember, but she will also remember how you manage this going forward.

I think after 6 pages of a lot of people saying the same thing the OP has probably got the message. But hey lets rub it in.

FatGirlSwim · 01/05/2023 19:27

Read your update, and well done for owning this and handling it well.

icanneverthinkofnc · 01/05/2023 19:27

I second those saying, go in, apologise for losing your temper. She needs to know you are sorry.

Though I would wait a few more years before doing her ears. I refused to allow DD to get them done until she was 13 precisely because she played sports, and I knew she risked infection and injury and wasn't old enough to look after them.

user1471447924 · 01/05/2023 19:27

I’m sure she’ll live, and it’s no bad thing that she’ll remember it to be honest.

I would delete this thread though, many MNers love threads like this to label people The Worst And Most Abusive Mum Ever.

HipHipCimorene · 01/05/2023 19:27

it sounds as if you were extremely stressed so a good idea to take yourself away from the situation.
Your daughter sounds like she completely lost it. Why on earth go looney about not going to McDonalds, at her age.

I agree with other PP that you need to apologise but equally so does she. If she’s not made to see that her behaviour is unacceptable she will grow up an entitled nightmare. So apologies all round and move on with more respect for each other.

Ps. I’d forget about the earrings if she can’t take care of them. She’s had her chance more than once.

kethuphouse · 01/05/2023 19:28

TrashyPanda · 01/05/2023 18:40

Please don’t panic

she was being a brat and you reacted because she pushed you to your limit

You are only human. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes

This.

icanneverthinkofnc · 01/05/2023 19:28

Ahh I need to type more quickly, well done OP.

PuffinPuffinPenguin · 01/05/2023 19:29

depre · 01/05/2023 19:26

@PuffinPuffinPenguin

Would you come back to this thread??

OP did, so?

Yes, after I posted. Funnily enough I don't have a time machine to revise my post that I posted before she returned. My question still stands. Because she's got more balls than me coming back to all these people who have said that she cocked up (which she owns that she did).

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 01/05/2023 19:29

All these posters saying "she was being a brat"- have you met many 10 year olds? Sometimes they are bratty. Does that make it ok to pinch and slap them?

If you lose your shit at your husband and are having a go, is it OK if he pinches ans slaps you?

hourbyhour101 · 01/05/2023 19:29

Ok look op has already taken a emotional lashing on this thread. If she thought this was totally ok - she wouldn't have posted for advice on mn. A

She's acknowledged she was in the wrong, and apologised and the guilt people can lay on Mn is nothing compared to what op will do to herself after this. We have all had moments as long we all learn from them it will come right in the end.

Side note op if this is out of character then I suspect there's some external pressure causing you conflict that made you act out of turn. Burying whatever emotion that is isn't healthy and can case meltdowns.

Glad your and your daughter are ok now 💐

Petrapanacotta · 01/05/2023 19:29

@PaperwhiteTheGhost it's amazing isn't it. If the dad did it. Sirens police etc. If your partner did it same. Buts it's ok to do it to a child! 🤯. Lucky we are getting stricter in this country. And anyone in any educational, doctors nursery setting would have to report this if it happened. Abuse should never be tolerated!

Innocentsongs · 01/05/2023 19:29

In Scotland and Wales you cannot smack your own child and in England you must not leave any reddening of the skin. I wonder what some of the posters on here did to their own children.
In my experience, polite well mannered parents who treat their children with respect have polite well mannered children. Children who are hit will end up hitting others and using violence

wombridgewalkabout · 01/05/2023 19:29

micpop · 01/05/2023 19:21

Yes I've totally fucked up. I have spoken to her, we both had a cry and a hug. I have apologised and apologised, have explained that she should never be treated like that by anyone and that I lost my temper and reacted in an appalling way. I said I understand that she was just following instructions regarding the earrings and that the blame of the whole situation is solely on me. She says she is fine and 'forgives me' bless her. She's showered, McDonalds is ordered and she's chilling with me on the sofa.

Well done OP! : )

FatGirlSwim · 01/05/2023 19:29

HipHipCimorene · 01/05/2023 19:27

it sounds as if you were extremely stressed so a good idea to take yourself away from the situation.
Your daughter sounds like she completely lost it. Why on earth go looney about not going to McDonalds, at her age.

I agree with other PP that you need to apologise but equally so does she. If she’s not made to see that her behaviour is unacceptable she will grow up an entitled nightmare. So apologies all round and move on with more respect for each other.

Ps. I’d forget about the earrings if she can’t take care of them. She’s had her chance more than once.

But her behaviour wasn’t unacceptable?

She didn’t ‘go looney about not going to McDonald’s’ - she’d been hurt, berated and shouted at, then punished unfairly.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 01/05/2023 19:30

micpop · 01/05/2023 19:21

Yes I've totally fucked up. I have spoken to her, we both had a cry and a hug. I have apologised and apologised, have explained that she should never be treated like that by anyone and that I lost my temper and reacted in an appalling way. I said I understand that she was just following instructions regarding the earrings and that the blame of the whole situation is solely on me. She says she is fine and 'forgives me' bless her. She's showered, McDonalds is ordered and she's chilling with me on the sofa.

Good choice.
If this never happens again because you remember how ghastly it was it will be a worthwhile moment.
She sounds like a caring and generous DD and I'm sure your genuine apology and chat will have really meant a lot.

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