I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

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I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

Like one PP said, it's the pinching that almost feels more calculated and intended and malicious.

You need to say sorry.
And think about ways to stop this reaction again

Huge and sincere apology from you to her.

Alter your expectations in the future as I agree you set her up to fail really. She's already messed up one piercing yet you allowed another and you sent her to dancing without any tips on what to do / say if they asked to remove them (highly likely I would have thought).

She's only 10 so if you expect less of her you should find it easier to manage your emotions when things happen as it will be more 'oh yes I thought this could be a problem never mind' rather than 'for Gods sake why didn't you do XYZ'

But your poor daughter told you that she was made to take her earrings out at dance. If you were angry with anybody it should have been the adult who ordered her to remove then not a child who just did as she was told. Did you want her to argue with the dance teacher? Firstly, she was punished for something that she had little control over by being denied McDonald's, she kept saying it wasn't her fault and then finally you pinched and hit her. The pinch followed by a slap is really unpleasant tbh. Whst adult pinches their child's leg deliberately? It sounds quite thought out. All said I don't think you're a bad mother at all but you mustn't do this again and don't blame your child for things she is unable to control. Try listening to her or you will really struggle when she's a teen. You're obviously normally a kind, caring, good mother so next time keep calm or walk away. I'm sure this one incident won't scar her but it might be good to apologise to her.

I agree about the pinching being worse. If you have left a mark it is a police matter. If you are in Scotland or Wales , smacking a child is against the law. Some posters seem to be telling you that it is ok but it is not. If you have done it once the odds are you will do it again. Do look into ways that you can access help so that it doesn't happen again.
For some unknown reason some MN posters dismiss physical violence from a mother. A mother last week posted that her daughter's father had hit her and the girl reported him at school to her Head of Year. You cannot make excuses for your behaviour.
Apologise openly and honestly and take steps to make sure it never happens again.

Her ear piercing would not heal over in the space of a dance class. You should have waited until you got home, bathed them & put them back in gently, not fannied about doing it in the car without bathing them.

she was correct, you were being over dramatic.

you need to look at what made you SO angry that you pinched & slapped her. It really was very OTT fir what happened.

it wasn't her fault! Someone in authority made her remove them. You should have said you'd speak to the ballet teacher & tell her that she's not allowed to remove them for x more weeks.

it's unsurprising she was upset at being in trouble for just doing what her ballet teacher told her, then no treat on the way home, no TV either...

Jesus, she was doing as her teacher told her & she removed her earrings for a hour or two.

irrespective of what she'd done, even if it had been something 'naughty', pinching her is nasty, what on earth made you pinch your child?

If she'd called you a horrible fucking bitch or something, I could have almost understood the slap on her leg, but pinching????

I think you need to sincerely apologise to her for pinching her and the slap. Apologise for your massive over reaction.

poor kid didn't do anything wrong.

help her to bathe them & put whatever care cream she has on them,, then ask her if she wants to put them back in or if she wants your help If you promise to be gentle!!

don't send her to her Dads unless she asks to go.

You punished your daughter in 3 different ways for something that wasn't her fault.

You're certainly not an awful mum or an awful person, but this was awful behaviour that you are sensibly taking responsibility for. The fact you're so upset by your behaviour speaks volumes about how much you love her.

If your daughter was told to take her earrings out (perhaps by a new teacher or because they were doing some new moves maybe?) then how horribly unjust must this all feel to her? She can't help her skin scabbing over - it's such a strange thing to lose your cool over. Yes her comment was rude but at 10 she will be pushing boundaries, you're really going to have to think about how you manage those kind of comments again in future as this is certain not to be the last time.

The fact you pinched then slapped her is also really concerning, an immediate impulsive slap is not illegal in England and would often be viewed by professionals as lawful chastisement - but two acts in quick succession speaks of something else and is harder to defend. Might it have triggered some learned behaviour from your own childhood? I'm so sorry you had those painful experiences, you didn't deserve them. Might it be time to get some therapy if you haven't already, not just for your daughters benefit but for your own?

Today was a bad day, apologise, send her to her Dad's if she wants space - but beyond that please don't waste time beating yourself up, your energy will be much better spent thinking constructively about how to stop this happening again.

Oof.

it was an awful thing for you to do, but you know that. I’m sure as a one off it won’t fuck her up for life. My mum used to smack me back when it was acceptable in the 70s, not frequently or hard but still, and despite the fact I disapprove vehemently of smacking children, I’ve been OK.

you need to apologise and make sure you learn from it so you don’t do it again. And leave the bloody ear piercing. If she still wants it done when she’s old enough to go herself she can get it done then.

a brat????

how exactly did you come to that conclusion???

You must have really lost control to pinch, slap and swear at a child.

She was told to do something by the adult in charge. She did as she was told. Pushing earrings into a scabbed over hole is going to hurt. Then you tell her she can’t go to McDonald’s as usual, which you knew would escalate things.

I don’t think she was being a brat. I think she was feeling out of her depth and her emotions were getting the better of her.

You were very wrong to do this to her.

I honestly don’t know what I would do now in your situation. I’m shocked tbh.

I can't believe people are justifying this. I don't think she acted like a brat at any point and I think she was right that you were completely overreacting that she took her earring out after being asked to. Surely you should know that they usually have to remove earrings at pe or dance.

I wouod apologise and be prepared that she may not be quick to forgive. I certainly wouldn't be quick to forgive someone pinching, hitting or swearing at me.

You're human. It's fixable.

I think unconditional apology, just let the behaviour go. She was losing her shit (you may or may not perceive that as a behaviour issue - perspectives differ and you have the detail none of the rest on this thread do), and she was rude, but I bet you pick up rudeness in everyday parenting so letting it slide this once won't hurt.

But I also think - introspection for why this tipped you over the edge, when overall the stress hadn't been building in a way that makes more sense of you doing something you've presumably avoided for ten whole years til now? Was it that particular phrase/accusation which triggered a response for you? Was it because of the earrings being something you already regret, or have other strong feelings about? Was it like, or unlike, your own childhood? I feel like there is probably something quite powerful and personal, given you've managed to parent without violence before, and given you don't otherwise perceive this as a bad day. And learning that for yourself is more important than trying to teach DD about it.

You need to apologise - you know that what you did is not ok and if she was asked to take them out by an adult it would be a brave 10 year old to say “no”. Maybe you should have spoken to the teacher and said that her earrings need to stay in.

That said, at 10 she is old enough to understand that things cost ok. I think it’s ok to explain that you can’t afford to have them done a third time (and it’s not good for her ears I don’t expect) so she will have to wait a while/until her next birthday.

Go and apologise.

it was a moment of madness.

tbh mumsnet will not make you feel
any better about the situation.

everytime you feel absolutely raging at her again (and it’ll happen sooner rather than later because kids drive you mad) just always remember today to stop you in your tracks

you're not a bad mother. You’re a mother who made a bad decision. The fact you know it was a less than ideal decision and feel terrible means you won’t do it again.

Things cost MONEY.

I agree that it is sickening so many MN posters think that it is ok to hit and pinch a child. It is one of the nastiest things about MN that so many posters think hitting children is ok if it is a woman. The law does not discriminate between men and women. The OP needs to own it and really really apologise.

This is spades! You will get labelled a child abuser on here op! These things happen, she was being a brat and you lost it! Not the end of the world and she most definitely won't be mentally damaged for life! Just talk about it calmly and rationally with her, explaining that you were wrong for slapping her but that she was wrong for acting the way she did.

Your poor child!

You pinched and slapped her because she took her earrings out?

WTAF!!!

If this is real then you need to get some help asap. She doesn’t need to have earrings in if she doesn’t want to and it’s on her if they close over.

How exactly was she being a brat?

Because she took her earrings out of because she was in pain when OP was trying to re-pierce them?

You absolutely need to apologise and explain yourself and then you need to do some work on recognising your triggers and how to de-escalate a situation internally before it gets to this stage. The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read might be a good place to start.

What?? Poor child did nothing wrong except try to explain what happened. Op was the brat and far, far worse. If that is the Op's limit she genuinely needs to seek help. I also wonder if this is the very first time that Op has physically harmed her child...

My mum used to lose her shit at my brother and I when we were younger. Multiple times over the smallest things. She never hit us but yelled at us frequently.

However, she would always, always apologise after every incident and then we'd be fine. As though nothing happened.

It's only now that I realise it was due to her depression.

I'm 27 now with my own kids. We have the closest relationship and I love her to bits.

Own up to your mistake and vouch you won't do it again.

You’re not an awful person, she was behaving like a brat and you made a mistake. Apologise and then delete this thread.

And stop getting her ears pierced. She's too young, it's not compatible with her lifestyle and it's hurting her.