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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

293 replies

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:03

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:03

*See them a lot

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2023 09:06

So they will expect you to visit while you are in The UK?
Do they live far from where you are staying and are they awful? If not very and no then surely you can spare them a few hours?
However, if they are miles away and won’t meet part way and/or are generally arseholes then I wouldn’t bother

snitzelvoncrumb · 01/05/2023 09:06

Do you have to tell them you are going? If anyone gets upset so tell them it was a gift from your family. If they argue send them a link to book flights for you to see them.

towriteyoumustlive · 01/05/2023 09:06

I don't see the issue. If they mention it then just them know that money is tight at the moment so your parents have paid for you to go and see them which is really kind of them.

Say you'd love to see them too but just cannot afford it either.

They might then offer to pay...

eish · 01/05/2023 09:07

I would factor in seeing them whilst you are there. I know how it feels as my husband is not from the uk and I always feel our holidays are taken up seeing them. It isn’t ideal but it’s part of our life and the fact your family can afford it doesn’t mean they should miss out completely. A day or overnight visit is fine, it doesn’t have to be for too long.

aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2023 09:07

Like PP I'd just tell them they paid.

3luckystars · 01/05/2023 09:08

Don’t tell them, or if you have to tell them, say your parents paid for the trip and then say nothing else.
all the best

Azandme · 01/05/2023 09:08

I'd do what I did...

Tell them the planes fly both ways.

I also told my former mil, when she complained about how often we called her whilst NEVER calling us, that the phone had incoming and outgoing functions.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 01/05/2023 09:09

Why don't your husbands family visit?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 01/05/2023 09:09

Are you parents and in-laws in the same country?

If so, can't you visit both?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2023 09:09

Just be honest and tell them you're parents are paying could you really not spare the time to take DC to visit tho? The UK isn't huge

JADS · 01/05/2023 09:10

Do your ILs live in the UK too? Could they visit you at your mum's?

LittleBearPad · 01/05/2023 09:10

Why not go and see them when you’re in the UK?

sesquipedalian · 01/05/2023 09:12

Is there any possibility that you could fit in, say, a day or a weekend visit to your in-laws? I would point out to them that as your parents are paying for the trip for you and dd, it is only reasonable for you to be staying with them. If you can manage to see the in-laws at some point, it might help, but if you are coming without your DH, and the trip is being paid for by your parents, the in-laws can hardly expect you to stay with them! I can understand, though, that they would be keen to see their granddaughter/niece.

SavBlancTonight · 01/05/2023 09:12

If theyvare in different countries just say your mother paid. If they are also in the UK, surely you can find some time to see them? Both dh and I have travelled alone to our home country in the past and neither of us would dream of not at least popping by to see the other one's family.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 01/05/2023 09:12

Are they far away from your family? I mean if they're in the same city or fairly close I can't see the harm in catching up with them at least once. Extending the holiday by a few days and staying with your ILs wouldn't cost you or your parents anything, would it?

But if seeing them requires additional travel and accommodation that is costly and your holiday time is limited due to lack of actual holiday days you could tell them that your parents have organised and paid for your tickets. That way the planning of it is out of your hands.

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 01/05/2023 09:12

Why can't you just tell them you're parents are paying for the trip?

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 01/05/2023 09:12

Your*

ShandaLear · 01/05/2023 09:12

Be totally up front about it. ‘Hi MIL, my parents have very kindly paid for us to have visit back home. We’ll be over on xxx date for a week and if you want to come and visit on yyy date we’d love to see you’. You are not doing anything wrong and shouldn’t be embarrassed or be trying to hide it.

DangerNoodles · 01/05/2023 09:14

It would depend on why your DH's parents don't visit. It sounds like your parents are very well off financially and either have no work commitments or flexible ones to be able to visit so frequently. How do your in law's circumstances compare?

Unless there is some huge back story it seems quite cold to not factor in a visit.

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:14

i grew up 10 minutes away but my parents and family now live six hours drive away. I could just not tell them, but I like to post occasional pictures of holidays etc on my social media and they watch it like a hawk.
Sister in law has visited but mil never has, she never has when fit and able in the past and said it was money (we offered fo pay many times back then as were in a much better situation) now she’s in a wheelchair and says she can’t.

OP posts:
Fuerza · 01/05/2023 09:14

Do they have to know about the trip?

However, I'd probably prefer to just try and squeeze them in at the end of the trip. Put it to them, ''I don't want to take advantage of my parents as they paid but we want to get together on the last day'' (or, whatever suits you best).

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:15

If my family were close to them, of course we’d visit and it would be ideal

OP posts:
Fuerza · 01/05/2023 09:16

ah, just read the post about social media. I wouldn't want to feel I couldn't post pics of a happy trip for this reason.

Just squeeze them in. It's simpler.

LittleBearPad · 01/05/2023 09:17

I don’t think a six hour drive would stop me going to visit when I live thousands of miles away.