Page 12 | I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 2023-05-01T08:03:03+00:00

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t. My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them. How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

mrsplum2015 · 03/05/2023 01:19

Agree don't post on social media
Or defriend his family on social media

If you feel you should see them tell them what day you're free and where you can meet. If they say no it's too far that's the end of it.

T1Dmama · 03/05/2023 09:17

jannier · 02/05/2023 22:52

Did I ever say she was delightful? Most are ignoring the fact that the op has said MIL has no money and can't afford it and most are ignoring her disability ...why are you so happy to ignore both facts?
So you're really saying that an aging woman with disabilities needing a wheelchair is always going to be capable of hopping on a plane at the drop of the hat?
I'm glad that your mobility issues don't restrict you but not everyone is you either. I'm glad you're financially secure with holiday money etc but the reality for most disabled people especially with the current climate is not so Rosey. If that offends you I can't help that. Many have been ignoring the barriers disabilities cause only shouting out changes those barriers which is why we now have kneeling buses, priority seating and legal rights.

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Let’s just stick to the facts stated by OP… It sounds very clear from her posts that MIL was once fit and well enough to travel but chose not to. SIL even offered to go with her for company but she declined (even with it all being paid for)… There is no need to assume she’s had some slow deterioration over 2 decades…
The OP and her DH have visited over the years and seen both sets of parents, it’s not some evil plot to not visit….
The facts are : OP’s parents are paying for her to visit THEM. If OP visits MIL it’s a 12 hour round trip, plus the cost of hiring a car and likely £200 in fuel! Not to mention having to do that horrible journey with a 4 year old …. MIL COULD do the journey to see OP & her DGD but ‘won’t’ (as stated by OP).
MIL & SIL have sent ABUSIVE texts in the past because OP dares to spend time with her family who have paid to go out and visit her… just because her parents save and go out, this does not justify abusive messages to OP… I wouldn’t visit someone who was abusive to me either…. Especially if it involves 12 hours of driving on what is supposed to be a holiday for OP… far too stressful with a 4 year old and unfair on the 4 year old and also rude to spend half the time here with MIL when OP’s parents have paid for her to visit them because they want to see their daughter and grandchild…
As for poverty… have any of you looked up how much the highest level of DLA / PIP is? I used to work with disabilities and they were far from poor… they got more money than I got a month and I was doing a 40 hour week! We had to remind them to spend some more money to keep them below the limit so they didn’t have to pay council tax or loose HB.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 03/05/2023 09:29

Honestly, treat this as a non-issue.
If they complain about you not visiting them « I know it has been a while, we just can’t afford it, my own parents had to pay the cost of us coming to see them but of course we don’t expect you to do that… let’s just hope prices come down soon! » breezy, smiley.
And act as if you don’t understand why they are annoyed/upset.

jannier · 03/05/2023 09:32

Ivymom · 02/05/2023 23:20

OP,
I wouldn’t make the drive to visit the in-laws. I would set my SM so none of the in-laws could see my posts and I would cut back on contact with any of them that attempt to guilt you. From here on out, it is your DH’s responsibility to maintain contact with them. I would ask DH to extend an invite to them to drive to where your family lives and meet you and DD for an afternoon out and a meal out. If they refuse, you made a good faith effort to spend time with them and they rejected it.

From here on out, any time one of your in-laws tries to guilt you or starts asking intrusive questions, change the topic and redirect them to your DH. If they continue, end the conversation. They guilt you because they view you as the weak link. If talking to them is unpleasant for you because of this behavior, stop talking to them. They are your DH’s relatives and communicating with them is his responsibility.

That's a 12 hour round trip for a disabled woman.

Ivymom · 03/05/2023 10:18

If there hadn’t been a history of MIL refusing to visit while healthy and OP and DH willing to pay, things might be different. The in-laws have been jealous of the visits OP has had with her own family, but refuse to make the slightest effort. Instead, they treat OP poorly. OP shouldn’t be expected to chase them down for visits and tolerate their abusive behavior. She also shouldn’t be expected to continue communicating with them when they choose to mistreat her.

It’s unfortunate that MIL is now disabled, but OP can’t fix that. OP and DH don’t currently have the funds to cover a visit to the in-laws. Expecting OP to make a 12 hour round trip, with a small child, that isn’t in their budget, is unreasonable. Besides, the likelihood of the in-laws continuing their jealousy and mistreatment of OP is high. OP’s family has managed their budget in a way that has allowed them to gift this trip to OP. They are paying so OP and DC can visit them, not the contentious in-laws.

DH needs to be managing the relationship with his family, including saving towards a visit if that is what he wants to do. He’s repeatedly refused to visit them and it sounds like he has a good reason not to. It isn’t on OP to make up for it. OP is not the family’s social secretary and it isn’t her responsibility to make up the in-laws’ lack of effort in the relationship.

jannier · 03/05/2023 12:17

T1Dmama · 03/05/2023 09:17

Let’s just stick to the facts stated by OP… It sounds very clear from her posts that MIL was once fit and well enough to travel but chose not to. SIL even offered to go with her for company but she declined (even with it all being paid for)… There is no need to assume she’s had some slow deterioration over 2 decades…
The OP and her DH have visited over the years and seen both sets of parents, it’s not some evil plot to not visit….
The facts are : OP’s parents are paying for her to visit THEM. If OP visits MIL it’s a 12 hour round trip, plus the cost of hiring a car and likely £200 in fuel! Not to mention having to do that horrible journey with a 4 year old …. MIL COULD do the journey to see OP & her DGD but ‘won’t’ (as stated by OP).
MIL & SIL have sent ABUSIVE texts in the past because OP dares to spend time with her family who have paid to go out and visit her… just because her parents save and go out, this does not justify abusive messages to OP… I wouldn’t visit someone who was abusive to me either…. Especially if it involves 12 hours of driving on what is supposed to be a holiday for OP… far too stressful with a 4 year old and unfair on the 4 year old and also rude to spend half the time here with MIL when OP’s parents have paid for her to visit them because they want to see their daughter and grandchild…
As for poverty… have any of you looked up how much the highest level of DLA / PIP is? I used to work with disabilities and they were far from poor… they got more money than I got a month and I was doing a 40 hour week! We had to remind them to spend some more money to keep them below the limit so they didn’t have to pay council tax or loose HB.

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Yes I know what the highest level is and that things like having one leg doesn't qualify you as well as how hard the appeal process is which takes months even with letters from numerous surgeons.
If you have the mobility allowance it all goes on a car if you choose that option you also have to add to it in order to get one suitable to take a wheelchair. You the live on the basic highest rate....but most are not eligible for the highest rate......do you really work full time for less than £102 a week?????

I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

PeachyPeachTrees · 03/05/2023 17:39

Just see your family. 6 hours away on top of getting to your family and back is too far and too exhausting. If your parents make the effort and are now paying for this trip, it would actually be rude to only see them for a very short time because you're also seeing DH family and it sounds like he won't be with you anyway. Have a lovely time with your family and maybe don't post on SM if it causes them to be horrible to you.

T1Dmama · 04/05/2023 00:40

jannier · 03/05/2023 12:17

Yes I know what the highest level is and that things like having one leg doesn't qualify you as well as how hard the appeal process is which takes months even with letters from numerous surgeons.
If you have the mobility allowance it all goes on a car if you choose that option you also have to add to it in order to get one suitable to take a wheelchair. You the live on the basic highest rate....but most are not eligible for the highest rate......do you really work full time for less than £102 a week?????

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That’s £182 per week with the care and mobility…. Plus rent paid, plus council tax paid….. all adds up to a lot more than most people earn after tax once council tax and rent is taken off

T1Dmama · 04/05/2023 00:47

jannier · 03/05/2023 09:32

That's a 12 hour round trip for a disabled woman.

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That's a 12 hour round trip for a disabled woman.

………. and a 12 hour round trip with a FOUR year old!! There is nothing pleasant about a 6 hour journey… which will actually be more like 8 by the time you stop several times for pee breaks and to let a 4 year old stretch their legs and eat….
not to mention the additional £500 cost to OP in car hire for 2-3 days and fuel costs…
Also the fact OP’s parents might actually be annoyed at paying for the trip only for their daughter to visit someone else for half the time. …. That’s also rather rude.

ninemonthstime · 04/05/2023 04:24

Tell them your parents are paying.

Tell them that as you don't have a car over here (and don't have the funds to hire one) they would be welcome to drive down to you and get a hotel for the night.

The ball is then in their court!

Alternatively your husband visits them.

Don't worry about it!

ExpatInSlavikLand · 04/05/2023 10:28

@jannier Jeez, give it a rest and give up. Having read all of your posts here it's clear you're projecting your own issues onto OP's situation here. At the end of the day, it's not OP's fault that her (not at all nice-sounding) MIL couldn't previously be bothered to visit her and now cannot due to disability, nor is it her fault that whoever you clearly feel mistreats or doesn't make an effort with you behaves the way they do.

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 04/05/2023 11:27

jannier · 03/05/2023 09:32

That's a 12 hour round trip for a disabled woman.

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So what? Being disabled doesn't mean we never go anywhere! People in wheelchairs travel the world.

Stewball01 · 04/05/2023 13:50

They've got a problem then. Your parents gave you the money to visit. They can do the same. Where do they live. Doesn't matter what you do there will always be complaints. Bugger them. What does dh say?

Madamum18 · 06/05/2023 16:28

Don't get dragged into the nastiness. Just state clearly

"My mum and dad are paying for me to have a break with them. DH cant make it because of work. I am unable to drive 12 hours there and back with a 4 year old, it is just too much. If you want to head our way, perhaps we could arrange a meet up. Otherwise we will have to wait until we can affpord for us all to come over to see you. Or you could come to us"

Whatever the reply to that just repeat and repeat and then say "I have explained. I am not discussing any more as there is no point"

Don't feel guilty. This is there problem. And also, I think your DH needs to stand up and tell his mother to back off!!

Mgi4243765 · 07/05/2023 10:28

@Yesterdayseemssofaraway just tell them exactly what you wrote here! If they want to see you more I. The same light they can pay to come to you.. or pay for you to go to them.. no??

Haffdonga · 07/05/2023 10:57

Message them eg. Hi In law family, (random pleasantries) hope you're all well. Dd has just done xyz etc etc. Just to let you know I'm going to be coming to the UK with dd for a short visit on (dates) as I'm very lucky and my mum has very kindly offered to buy us the tickets as a present! It would be lovely to see you if you could make it down/up to (home town) while we're there. We'd love to see you. Bla bla love etc

roarfeckingroarr · 07/05/2023 12:15

They make no effort so they don't see your daughter. It's not your responsibility to either fox that or not see your own family to compensate.

I have a similar situation although not involving flights. My side are close to my toddler, DP's not so much, because of their own effort.

CrazyLadie · 12/05/2023 13:04

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:29

There’s no way they’ll come to where we are, they want us to pay to come and stay with them, I’d actually like to as it’s my old area where I grew up and I’d love to see old friends too etc, we simply haven’t been able to afford it, the same way we haven’t been able to afford to stay at my parents. But now they’ve offered as part of my birthday and Christmas money and I want to go, I want to have a break too…used to travel lots and haven’t been on a plane for five years

I would just say to them that your parents have given you money to go and see them otherwise you wouldn't be able to and of they wish to pay for you to go and see them then ya will make that happen