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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

293 replies

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:03

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 01/05/2023 09:33

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:22

@Fuerza They're a six hour drive away

I would make the effort and go and see them.

You can always fly in to an airport near your parents, stay there for a while, travel to your in-laws, visit with them and fly out from there.

TheHandbag · 01/05/2023 09:33

Honestly just extend the stay and visit them for a weekend, it is much simpler this way. I would be pissed off if my dh visited his family with dc and couldn't be bothered to visit mine.

Pick your battles and realistically speaking how long do you think your mil has if she's ill? I'd suck it up and visit them for a weekend, pick your battles when it comes to in laws.

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:34

@Tallulasdancingshoes That’s exactly the problem, if they still lived where we grew up, we could easily visit them
Like you say, I’d feel bad they’d paid for me to see them and spend time with them
and I’d be off away, it’s a long drive too

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 01/05/2023 09:35

Visit your family. Tell the IL the truth. Remind them, they're welcome to visit.

How do cause nastiness? What does your husband think? How does this impact on you?

Railsailgale · 01/05/2023 09:35

It's so controlling that there is even an issue about this. Don't tell them about the visit or explain it's a gift.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 01/05/2023 09:35

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:31

@Triffid1 So should I drive six hours in a country I’ve not driven in for years, stay with them, then drive another six hours back and get a plane 😬the thought is a bit overwhelming with a 4 year old..

You don't need to drive back again - just fly home from an airport near your in-laws.

Or get the train to visit them if got don't want to drive.

Tatiepot · 01/05/2023 09:37

I have similar issues but within my own family…could you offer to meet for lunch half way between you, so duty done and no one can complain, but it’s only one day out of your trip?

Zonder · 01/05/2023 09:37

I think either you just say my parents have paid for us to visit, why don't you drive down and see us while we are there?
Or you do as pp suggests and drive one way to fly back from an airport near the inlaws. But that would be more expensive.

Grumpi · 01/05/2023 09:37

It’s simple, DH rings them and says PIL are paying for wife & DC to visit them, be in the country X dates, she won’t be able to drive the whole way over but if you can manage to get over to PILs you’ll be able to see them, or as compromise DW can meet you in the middle for the day.

I think you need to give them the option, you seem to think they won’t make the effort in which case you won’t end up having to meet them or see them but you have at least offered.

I agree it isn’t your problem but you had a child with your DH and so if he wants them to share in DC life, you do have to make some effort and compromise. That’s just a relationship sorry.

The best thing you can do is offer a compromise and say happy to host or meet half way, but let DH deliver the option then stay out of it.

Eggseggseverywhere · 01/05/2023 09:37

No excuse needed to swerve toxic people.. Relatives or not. Stuff that... Dh can go visit if he wants to!

Zonder · 01/05/2023 09:38

Or yes, third option, meet for lunch half way.

Annonymiss123 · 01/05/2023 09:38

Rather than squeeze in a visit at the end, I’d be more inclined to meet them at the start of the holiday. Get it over and done with, and enjoy the rest of the holiday instead of stressing about meeting them.

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:39

@GabriellaMontez Even when mine comes to visit, I worry to post sometimes, it’s crazy, they will complain we go to see my family, but not theirs, but they say they can’t afford it, neither can we, it’s such a pressure all the time

OP posts:
Tallulasdancingshoes · 01/05/2023 09:40

Yes, this is a gift so you can see your family, paid for by your family, who are not rolling in cash. It’s clearly important to them that they see you and dd. There is absolutely no way I’d be spending 3 days (day 1 drive there, day 2 at mils, day 3 drive back - realistically this is what it’d be) of my week seeing mil when they make zero effort and my parents had paid to see us.

MRex · 01/05/2023 09:40

Let them know you'll be coming over, and would like to arrange to see them on A, B or C date in X, Y or Z location that are accessible from your parents' and theirs, pick a nice "day out" type of place, and your treat for tickets. They might come and have a nice day out, or they might say it's too far, in which case "so sorry, no like you say it's too far for us to come to you". They will have no way of criticising, but if they actually do want to make a small effort then you get one day to fulfill obligations.

BeerBot · 01/05/2023 09:40

Just tell your in laws your parents have paid for you to come and stay with them as a present.
Invite them to come down to see you while you're there. Sounds like they won't come but that's fine, you offered🤷🏼‍♀️ If they suggest you come to them you simply say you can't as your parents have spent money paying for you to come to spend the time with them

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 09:41

fgs
see them while you are in uk
why on earth wouldnt you?
yabu

Moveoverdarlin · 01/05/2023 09:41

There’s two options. Come over and keep it a secret, and tell husband to keep it quiet too. Or just be honest and say Mum is paying for us to visit.

I’d just come over, not tell them and keep it off social media.

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 09:43

stay with the MIL for one or two nights

35965a · 01/05/2023 09:43

Just tell them to piss off, it’s nothing to do with them at all.

User565394 · 01/05/2023 09:43

I'd tell them you're going, tell them your parents are paying, say you can't drive all the way there and back but could you meet half way or something? If they say no you're guilt free.

I assume there's no train half way or anything? That could be an exciting day trip. I wouldn't be keen to spend hours in a car with a small child either.

I don't know how far away you usually live but if you only get home every few years it does feel like you should make the effort to see them.

reluctantbrit · 01/05/2023 09:43

Our parents live around 4 hours drive from each other and we hardly ever do joined visits. it's just not visable to drive so much and drag DD around when you only have less then a week.

For various reasons our visits home are short and never our main holiday but we try to do 2 short stints per year. Never have our parents said anything that we are back home but only with one set of grandparents.

Especially if your parents pay, it would be hardly polite to spend some of the money and the time to visit the in-laws.

I would try and save for a second visit, especially if you MIL is now wheelchair bound though.

Nevermind31 · 01/05/2023 09:43

It’s your OH’s problem, not yours. I would not waste the time with your parents (who have paid for you to visit them) to travel to the other side of the country to see people who make zero effort but complain a lot.
when they mention it, say cheerily… oh yes, my parents invited us to go on holiday with them, it was my birthday present.
them don’t discuss any further.
no hiding, no guilt, no inconveniencing yourself

frazzledasarock · 01/05/2023 09:44

It’s interesting. Your husband could go on his own and visit his parents. But chooses not to. Despite you suggesting it to him.
this seems to be a pattern on here.

and you feel guilty visiting your own parents who have paid for you to visit, because you won’t be visiting IL’s

if your husband, the son does not wish to visit his own family I wouldn’t bother. If IL’s say anything mean I’d block them on my social media and ignore them.

I really wouldn’t care and have a fun relaxing time with my family.

greencheetah · 01/05/2023 09:45

Honestly, you are worrying too much.

If ILS get upset, they get upset. DH can deal with it, they’re his family. You can’t refuse to see your own family because ILS will be jealous, that’s madness.

If they really want to see you they will come to where your parents are. Otherwise I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Don’t lie or hide it as that implies you have done something wrong and you haven’t.