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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

293 replies

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:03

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

OP posts:
bomanicious · 01/05/2023 09:56

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 09:51

they are your dd's grandparents too
you should make an effort, even if they can be toxic
speak to your dh

I made it my mission as a parent to keep my kids AWAY from toxic people. I thought that was kind of the gig?

Honestly OP, don't give this headspace. See your parents and have a lovely time.

ChrisPPancake · 01/05/2023 09:56

Can you add on a day or 2 at the end and then fly home from an airport near the in laws? You might be able to catch up with some friends as well.
Or meet for the day halfway?
But tbh if they don't bothe visiting you then you're justified in not visiting them. Different if they're round the corner but 6 hours is a long way.

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:56

We’d always visit lots pre Dd and covid. We both worked full time and made more money and would make Christmas visits back to both families and sometimes in the spring & autumn…sil visited us twice in all
these and mil never came, even when not in a wheelchair and when fil was still alive, we’d offer to pay back then too as could easily afford it. We then had Dd and everyone came to see us (my family) mil was pushing for a visit and really quite toxic, when Dd had just been born, I was on maternity and Dd had colic etc, she was tiny and the last thing I felt like doing was getting on a plane and staying with other people. Covid hit, then I had long covid, just now I’m back to working part time and getting back on track now and trying our best to save to get over there.
I’m so excited to finally have a break away though

OP posts:
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 01/05/2023 09:57

I would keep quiet about it until they ask where you are (or whatever). Then DH can say that your DPs paid for a little trip for you. Then change the subject. It's not their business.

Folklore9074 · 01/05/2023 09:57

Go and don’t tell and don’t post on social. Job done.

SoulCaptain · 01/05/2023 09:58

OP why don't you offer to meet half way with your in laws for a day trip? Admittedly that's still a long journey for you but might be a compromise.
(And I bet they won't do it, but at least you've offered...)

PuggyMum · 01/05/2023 09:58

You're totally overthinking it.

They are 6 hours away. They can't expect you to travel to them. Just a polite message from your dh to them to say
'Hi Mum, wife and dd are visiting (town) in (June). I know it's a long way for you but if you and sis can get over for a Day you'd be welcome to join them.
Mil is paying for them to travel over as wife's xmas and birthday present.
Appreciate its a bit of a trek but wanted to give you the chance to plan etc.
Son x'

If they say can't you visit them...

'Sorry mum she won't be able to. Cost of hire car and it's a bit much to squeeze the driving in there and back. It's too much travel for dd too. Never mind if you can't make it'.

The end.

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 09:59

i expect your dh feels awkward, particularly since your family paid for the trip

electriclight · 01/05/2023 09:59

I think dh gets the time off work, comes with you and takes dd to see his family for a night or two. You have some time alone with your own family.

I do think it's a bit mean to visit the uk and not see them. It's not their fault you emigrated and it's not their fault your family moved six hours away. MIL is in her 70s and in a wheelchair. However many times you say she should have the mental capacity and physical ability to come and see you, abroad or where your family live, it is certainly easier for you than her.

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 09:59

mil is in a wheelchair?
can she manage a long journey?

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 10:00

electriclight · 01/05/2023 09:59

I think dh gets the time off work, comes with you and takes dd to see his family for a night or two. You have some time alone with your own family.

I do think it's a bit mean to visit the uk and not see them. It's not their fault you emigrated and it's not their fault your family moved six hours away. MIL is in her 70s and in a wheelchair. However many times you say she should have the mental capacity and physical ability to come and see you, abroad or where your family live, it is certainly easier for you than her.

agree
sounds a great plan

3luckystars · 01/05/2023 10:00

If they are going to complain anyway then just do what you want!!

what can they actually do? It’s likely you will never see them again. Just say ‘my mother paid for the holiday, I’m staying here’

just enjoy your holidays and put them out of your head

Serena73 · 01/05/2023 10:01

I wouldn't go to see them. It's too far and your parents paid for your ticket so it's not very respectful to disappear for long. Of course, it depends how long you are going to be there for - if it's a month or something, then I probably would! If you have to hire a car it will be as much as a plane ticket with the petrol and the hire cost, and trains are really expensive now. Tell them you can't afford it. And hide your social media posts from them if you don't want to tell them.

TonTonMacoute · 01/05/2023 10:02

Never apologise, never explain! Just go, see your family and enjoy. Don't worry about ILs.

It sounds like they are impossible to please, the problem is their attitude not you.

Why isn't your DH dealing with this anyway? He should be the one coping with the nastiness, not you.

PinkButtercups · 01/05/2023 10:02

Do they care about hurting your feelings? Doesn't sound like it. Too many people care what others think when in fact these people tend to be the ones hurting people's feelings and causing problems.

Enjoy your stay!

CuriousGeorge80 · 01/05/2023 10:03

@PuggyMum has it. Offer them the chance to come and visit, while explaining why you can’t go there. If they come, great. If they don’t, fine - up to them.

regenerista · 01/05/2023 10:04

Personally I would try and see them if it's at all doable. Especially as you fancy visiting your old town/catching up with some friends at the same time.

PP's idea of getting the train from your family's area to theirs a couple of days before you have to fly home, and leaving from an airport closer to them is a good one, if you could make that work.

If that's totally out of the question practically and financially, I would at least let them know well in advance that you're flying over at your family's expense, and if they can somehow get to you for a visit, all well and good. At least you've offered.

Doggymummar · 01/05/2023 10:05

Just say to them Great news we are coming to Birmingham or wherever from 1st to 14th August. Be great to see you, here are some guest houses near my parents we can meet you at the station on the 8th and see you off on the 1oth. We can't wait to see you much love .....

Alondra · 01/05/2023 10:05

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:19

I can not tell them and hide my Sm posts but I imagine Dh will mention it to them if they text.
Part of me doesn’t see why this is my problem at all..I don’t know.
My parents are retired and not massively well off, fairly average, they just save and spend their money on visits to us.

It really is not your problem. Your parents are retired and making a big financial investment in seeing their DD and GC, including paying for your DH if he can find the time for work reasons.

Honestly, don't overthink this. If your MIL and SIL create problems, say what has been suggested already, "I'd love to see you but my parents are not rich and been very kind to pay for us to spend time with them. Hopefully our finances will improve, and we can visit you in the future". If they keep kicking up a fuss, keep repeating how much you hope to see them in the future, but this trip is paid for by your parents.

You can't avoid MIL and SIL creating trouble. That's up to them. What's up to you is refusing to engage in the problems they create.

skyeisthelimit · 01/05/2023 10:06

Tell them you be in the country, you will be free on X day. You don't have any transport, but if can get over to your parents, they are welcome for lunch.

If they can't afford it and you can't afford it, then there is nothing else that can be done.

Batalax · 01/05/2023 10:06

It’s easy, you tell them your parents are paying and you’ll be at x and it would be wonderful if they could manage to come visit you there.

Youve invited them. It’s up to them then. If they ask you to go there, say that wouldn’t be fair on your parents as they’ve financed a visit for you to see them.

Batalax · 01/05/2023 10:07

X post sky

pictoosh · 01/05/2023 10:08

If this were me I'd say "My lot have paid out for this so it's their gig. We'd love to have you if you wanted to make arrangements to visit. We won't be able to make the journey to you in the time we've got."
Do not say "sorry" - you have nothing to be sorry for. All of the above is true.

pimplebum · 01/05/2023 10:09

To me this is a very simple issue
You don't enjoy or feel relaxed around your in laws. So don't want to trek all the way to see them BUT the guilt and anxiety over the possible offence is eating you up ?

The very simple solution is you not post on social media ( for the liove of god this bit is easy , no ? ) and swear you husband to secrecy , explain you want a relaxing trip to see your folks with NO backlash from his family so never mention secret trip ok ?

Then get on plane and enjoy your trip

pictoosh · 01/05/2023 10:09

Point being, keep it bloody simple and straightforward. No drama, just facts.