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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

293 replies

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:03

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

OP posts:
OneLittleFinger · 01/05/2023 09:17

Hide your rb posts from them.

trisfreya · 01/05/2023 09:18

are you able to drive to an airport and fly? Or can they meet you halfway?

ILoveCreamCrackersMe · 01/05/2023 09:18

And you DH... Does he want to see/get a say in visiting his parents?

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:19

I can not tell them and hide my Sm posts but I imagine Dh will mention it to them if they text.
Part of me doesn’t see why this is my problem at all..I don’t know.
My parents are retired and not massively well off, fairly average, they just save and spend their money on visits to us.

OP posts:
Fuerza · 01/05/2023 09:20

Yes, what airport do you fly in to. Can you offer them the opportunity to see you by driving an hour or two instead of flying thousands of miles. If they say no, then you are free to post your holiday on sm

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:21

@ILoveCreamCrackersMe Ive said to him numerous times why doesn’t he go to see them/book tickets etc, it’s always too expensive he says…but for him alone, tickets can be found cheaply, it’s obviously quite a lot for the three of us and then our dog in the kennels

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 01/05/2023 09:21

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:21

@ILoveCreamCrackersMe Ive said to him numerous times why doesn’t he go to see them/book tickets etc, it’s always too expensive he says…but for him alone, tickets can be found cheaply, it’s obviously quite a lot for the three of us and then our dog in the kennels

You don’t like them do you OP?

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:22

@Fuerza They're a six hour drive away

OP posts:
Fuerza · 01/05/2023 09:22

I think you have no choice really, you know that, you know they'll be ''pissed off'' if you don't squeeze them in. Think of a slot that works for you (if they drive a couple of hours). Offer it to them. If they don't accept it, then post post post to your heart's content.

Eggseggseverywhere · 01/05/2023 09:22

Pick a day out destination.. Tell ils they are welcome to join you. Even those in wheelchairs manage that.
Or is it an excuse to have their dgc hand delivered?

AdoraBell · 01/05/2023 09:23

What is your DH saying about the plans?

Fuerza · 01/05/2023 09:24

All the cross posts seem like I don't understand but I think you should offer them the ''opportunity'' to drive 6 hours rather than fly 6 hours. If they don't bite then, you are free to shrug

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:24

@LittleBearPad They cause a lot of trouble tbh and can be quite toxic. There’s never been any effort to visit in years and years of being fit and able to, whereas my family make an effort and then when they want me to finally have a holiday myself as a gift off them, I feel I can’t as I know the nastiness it will cause

OP posts:
StylishM · 01/05/2023 09:24

Offer to meet DH's family halfway between your parents and their house, each travelling 3 hours is more reasonable than you and DD travelling 6. If they decline then you've at least given them the option

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:25

@Fuerza Ahh sorry I understand now, no I can’t see them willing to drive 6 hours at all

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/05/2023 09:25

You just reply every time, my parents for us to go and it's our holiday.

Tinkerbyebye · 01/05/2023 09:26

just tell them the truth. You parents have offered to pay for you to come and visit for a week. If they want to come and stay in the area for a couple of days you would happily meet up with them

thats it, over to them

its up to your dh to sort them out, and he obviously is not bothered

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:26

@AdoraBell I haven’t said yet, mum only told me/left the money this weekend, they will pay for Dh too if he’s able to take the time off work

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 01/05/2023 09:27

You clearly don't like them and resent that they might expect you to visit. Personally, I think you are being ridiculous. Drive or train and spend a night with them so they can meet your dd - be the bigger person.

But if they are that awful, then just own it. Tell them your parents paid, it's too far to visit and if they want to see you and dd they are welcome to make the journey to where your parents live.

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:29

There’s no way they’ll come to where we are, they want us to pay to come and stay with them, I’d actually like to as it’s my old area where I grew up and I’d love to see old friends too etc, we simply haven’t been able to afford it, the same way we haven’t been able to afford to stay at my parents. But now they’ve offered as part of my birthday and Christmas money and I want to go, I want to have a break too…used to travel lots and haven’t been on a plane for five years

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 01/05/2023 09:29

If it ends up just you and DD then I think you can excuse that easier than if DH comes with you. If its just the 2 of you then I wouldnt mention it to the MIL and let DH deal with it. However if DH comes with you then I think he should offer to meet up half way. If the ILs say no then thats their choice.

LittleBearPad · 01/05/2023 09:29

Fly into and out different airports so you can see them on your way in or out or offer to meet in the middle. If the latter and they don’t come then they made their choice.

Tallulasdancingshoes · 01/05/2023 09:31

I don’t think you should be travelling to see your mil when your parents have paid for your ticket. With a 6 hour drive you’d be gone for a few days. I think your parents would be rightly annoyed that they’d paid for you to come over and then you’d not spent the time with them they were expecting, so st not like they’re 10 minutes away. Personally, I wouldn’t tell them and just don’t post any pictures (I don’t post a lot on Facebook/instagram though so it wouldn’t be a problem). Or you tell them that your mum is paying so you are visiting them.

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:31

@Triffid1 So should I drive six hours in a country I’ve not driven in for years, stay with them, then drive another six hours back and get a plane 😬the thought is a bit overwhelming with a 4 year old..

OP posts:
mischlerischler · 01/05/2023 09:31

Just tell them the truth. Your parents are paying for your trip.

If, as you said above, they are toxic and never come for a visit, I wouldn't stress about visiting them. 6 hours is a long drive to go visit someone who you don't get along and who doesn't make any effort with you.

It sounds like your husband is not keen on visiting them on his own either.

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