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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

293 replies

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:03

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

OP posts:
Batalax · 01/05/2023 10:09

Or yes fly in to one airport and out from another.

StormInaDcup99 · 01/05/2023 10:09

Hi op

Is it possible to fly into home to see your family for say a week, but fly out of PILs city and stay in their city for say two days one night? Hint to pil..... that they pay for public transport from city a to city b?

Fuerza · 01/05/2023 10:10

Zonder · 01/05/2023 09:38

Or yes, third option, meet for lunch half way.

yes, offer lunch half way and if they don't accept, say ''ah well, that's a shame'' and get on with your holiday, but I think in your shoes, I'd feel i had to offer them that. They can say no. They can say yes. It's a better offer than flying for six hours! They should grab it. If they don't you're free to post openly on sm imo

Curseofthenation · 01/05/2023 10:10

Could you plan a short break approx. halfway with your family? Perhaps get an AirBnB/holiday home and make a trip of it. If your mum isn't comfortable driving then you could probably go on her insurance temporarily and that should be cheaper. I imagine it would be nice to mix things for your DD too, assuming that you're staying for 2 weeks or so?

If you're then halfway, you could either drive the second leg to your MIL if you're feeling generous or tell her that she can come and see you for a day out on your break. I would probably do the latter if you go without DH, and get DH to do the former if he comes. You can have a nice day with your parents.

pictoosh · 01/05/2023 10:10

pimplebum · 01/05/2023 10:09

To me this is a very simple issue
You don't enjoy or feel relaxed around your in laws. So don't want to trek all the way to see them BUT the guilt and anxiety over the possible offence is eating you up ?

The very simple solution is you not post on social media ( for the liove of god this bit is easy , no ? ) and swear you husband to secrecy , explain you want a relaxing trip to see your folks with NO backlash from his family so never mention secret trip ok ?

Then get on plane and enjoy your trip

Yes...effectively lie to them. It's not like the truth is perfectly reasonable and will suffice or anything.

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 10:10

MIL is in a wheelchair
i dont think a 6 hour journey is suitable for her

Codlingmoths · 01/05/2023 10:12

You can’t control other people’s reactions. So talk to Dh, message the in laws ‘my parents are treating dd and I to a trip over to x to see them , we are trying to work out if Dh can come too. It’s very exciting, you should travel down so we get to see you too and you get to see dd! Probably in July , we will update as we set dates.

…. Their demand for you to come up… reply:
’I’m afraid we won’t be coming up, it’s so generous of my parents and we will be spending the time in x, but do let us know if you can come our way. Xx’
and ignore any nasty reactions. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ perhaps if you really need to send a reply. It’s not your problem.

EggInANest · 01/05/2023 10:13

Is there not a train?

Get train to IL’s, spend a day there , fly back from near them?

Codlingmoths · 01/05/2023 10:13

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 10:10

MIL is in a wheelchair
i dont think a 6 hour journey is suitable for her

She doesn’t have to roll all the way, I assume the op is thinking car or train or similar? My mum is in a wheelchair and has come from australia to london several times to visit us.

Barnbrack · 01/05/2023 10:15

LittleBearPad · 01/05/2023 09:17

I don’t think a six hour drive would stop me going to visit when I live thousands of miles away.

Really? If you'd already travelled thousands of miles you couldn't expect them to do that last drive to you?

SurvivingJust1 · 01/05/2023 10:15

Could you tell them excitedly that your parents have bought the trip and so you'd like to pay for a nearby hotel for the night so that they can come and visit? Then they can arrange travel etc?

Barnbrack · 01/05/2023 10:15

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 10:10

MIL is in a wheelchair
i dont think a 6 hour journey is suitable for her

But it's ok to drag small children 6 hours in a car after already travelling half the planet? Wheelchair users can use public transport and travel in cars.

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 10:16

@Codlingmoths I suppose this is the thing that’s always mentioned (although mil has never visited us once in all the time we’ve lived here) and it makes me feel anxious/guilty as the guilt is laid on thick..sil has said she’ll come with mil
on the plane and pay (2.5 hr flight) but she won’t ever come

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 01/05/2023 10:16

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:39

@GabriellaMontez Even when mine comes to visit, I worry to post sometimes, it’s crazy, they will complain we go to see my family, but not theirs, but they say they can’t afford it, neither can we, it’s such a pressure all the time

Who do they complain to? You? Tell them they're welcome to visit and then mute the conversation! Especially if they're nasty. Don't accept it.

Your husband? Does he care?

They're unreasonable to complain because your family have visited!

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 10:17

yes but mil is in a wheelchair,
thinking about stops for toilet use
far easier with a 4 year old than a lady in a wheelchair.
i appreciate she is not rolling though Grin @Codlingmoths

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 10:18

@Barnbrack
is if half the planet?

Hungryfrogs23 · 01/05/2023 10:19

It's a no brainer. They make no effort to visit you. Even if you fly to the UK, they still won't make the effort to get to you.
So it's their choice not to see you 🤷

Plus I think you would be being very unfair to your mum if you used her money, intended to visit her, to spend 3 days of it driving hours back and forth to your inlaws. That would be very cheeky.

Just go, enjoy your holiday, and deal with their strop afterwards. You don't ever know how many more opportunities you will have to spend quality time with your mum while she's fit and well so grab it with both hands and don't feel guilty!

fortheloveofflowers · 01/05/2023 10:20

Do not feel guilty at all. Plus it’s your husband that should be dealing with this as it’s his family.
Enjoy your break.

They have never bothered to visit you so why should you bother.

pimplebum · 01/05/2023 10:23

Yes...effectively lie to them. It's not like the truth is perfectly reasonable and will suffice or anything.

She can't handle the truth 😬

In all seriousness, if OP doesn't yet feel strong enough to be honest with in laws , then a bit o secrecy can be your friend until she finds her big girl pants , not everyone in real life is as ballsy as they say they are on here in MN world

cheekyffer · 01/05/2023 10:23

I would find a nice accessible spot for a day out half way and say it would be great if we could meet on xx day for lunch.

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 10:24

@GabriellaMontez Its more to Dh, sil mainly, but it all comes from mil…she’ll say that it’s alright for @Yesterdayseemssofaraway as she sees her parents all the time and they get to see their dgc
Once many years ago Pre Dd, when we were able to visit both parts of the country frequently, my Dm gave us tickets as my birthday and Christmas present and we went to stay with them, Dh and I, sil went mad, called us in the middle of a family dinner with my family and asked him to call his mum as she was feeling really upset and down (about us staying with my parents I assume) it’s just all been really awful, I don’t want to be involved in it at all!
Even when sil came over, she made me really uncomfortable by giving me the third degree about how often my parents come over, how often I see them etc

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 10:25

just make the effort for world peace op

Batalax · 01/05/2023 10:32

Don’t feel guilty. They had the opportunity and didn’t use it at the time.

CovertImage · 01/05/2023 10:33

I love the way OP chucks in that they're "toxic" several posts in, just to make sure that the AIBU goes teh right way

Sapphire387 · 01/05/2023 10:34

This is your DH's problem, not yours.

It sounds like you just don't want to see them, which is understandable given the backstory.

So either they travel the six hours to see you, or if you are feeling generous, maybe you travel halfway. You keep mentioning driving but surely there's a train that could get you partway there.

You work out what you're happy to do (between yourself and DH if he is coming), then DH relays the info to them. That's it.

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