I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

[Yesterdayseemssofaraway]

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

As is the it's only the in-laws sod them.

Why is disability so toxic? the MIL is disabled do you understand that being in a wheelchair isn't like sitting comfortably in an arm chair but a painful experience plus whatever ailment put you there and in addition is much more costly just to survive as you need to heat the environment more as your not moving as well as living on the pittance that your benefits pay.
That when you go out to get on that transport it's physically demanding and painful and takes an awful lot of organising which in turn is physically demanding because sitting on a computer or phone takes energy to physically sit at in pain.
If you sit in a chair for 6 hours are you not stiff and uncomfortable with bum ache ....now add that to the pain of a condition and days of being still.

If this was a post about the ops mum people's answers would be different.

You realise that toxic people can become disabled? People are just people. It's not the disability that is toxic, its the person.
You don't get a pass for being a not nice person because you're in a wheel chair.

Disabled people don't tend to have enough to live on let alone pay for flights. Why don't people get that .....if the op said my husband's family wants to pay for the visit and while I'm there is it reasonable to go see my mum what would you be saying?

Also, disabled does not automactically mean poor.

You might think you're being kind here but its pretty ableist to paint the disabled as saints in poverty. It's offensive.

@jannier

OP mentioned couple of times that they offered to pay in the past and MIL still didn't want to come - this was also before she was using a wheelchair.

You need to re-read the OP and her replies as it seems you missed some.

But what has the op said about it being toxic other than saying she wouldn't come when they offered to pay for her (which could be todo with her physical deteriation) what has she done ?

You don't go to bed healthy and wake up in a wheelchair, deteriation takes years but in that time travelling can be physically painful and demanding....even coping with it can make you feel like everything is too much....look how women feel about things in pregnancy. There are many posts going on about your pregnant of course travel/visitors/emotions are too much...yet that's just 9 months disability is on going and degenerative yet the knives are out because it's a MIL

They cause a lot of trouble tbh and can be quite toxic. There’s never been any effort to visit in years and years of being fit and able to

Its insane to assume OP thinks her MIL is toxic because she is now in a wheelchair! The go to is that she thinks her MIL is toxic because she actually is?

I'm finding your comments offensive.

It's a statistical fact most disabled people are poor however you chose to slant it ...the op has already said MIL can't afford it.
I'm not sure how you think hiding the fact that certain factors make you more likely to suffer poverty helps anybody other than the politicians cutting budgets.
All the disabled people I know, bar one,....bearing in mind I have disability in my family and socialise with many people of varying disabilities ....have severe financial difficulties....and that's 50 years of experience
How many do you know?

@jannier it sounds like you are projecting a lot. I don't believe anyone's comments are based on this being about MIL, it's about OP wanting to spend time with her family who paid for her trip and not wanting to travel additional 6 hours one way to visit toxic relatives.

I think the fact that her own son doesn't visit her says a lot.

Just because someone is disabled doesn't mean they can't also be toxic.

It sounds like you feel offended on behalf of OP's MIL, even though majority of PPs agree that OP is not BU.

Are you disabled? Do you have disabled family? Have you years of experience with many disabled people?
The op drop feeds but if you leave a country you can't assume others can afford to visit you is the op close enough to know the exact financial circumstances or to witness the MILs decline? As I said disability is a slow process and often well hidden.
Shall we now discuss the increased risks of being abused, cuckooing and early death or will those topics offend you too?

You just go and feel no guilt or obligation to make a 6 hr 'side trip' to your iLs.

If iLs mention your trip you say "Yes, isn't it nice of my mum to pay for it? We certainly couldn't afford it!". Rinse and repeat to their every comment. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain). State the 'facts' (Mum's paying) and nothing else.

If they hint or ask for you to visit them, use any excuse: "Rental cars are not in our budget", "No I cannot borrow Mum's car, she can't be without her car that long", "DD cannot be in a car for 6 hours, that's simply too long for her", or "No that just won't be possible based on our schedule". Again, rinse and repeat, don't JADE.

And tell them that they'll need to talk to your DH about any future visits, not you. Sounds to me as if he simply doesn't want to visit his family, so let him deal with the fallout.

I would just go and spend time with your family, life is too short and you shouldn’t let others control you. If you don’t want trouble then just don’t tell them, block them from
social media posts or do what I do, post only so I can see and then change privacy setting afterwards. Please don’t let others stop you from spending time with your family, that’s so controlling.

Let DH do all communication with his family. Stick them in their own little "acquaintance" group on Facebook that doesn't see any of your posts. Stop thinking about them. DH can organise a visit whenever he wants. Disengage.

it is people who snipe about her, CBA to visit her, and her own DH CBA to visit them.
She owes them jack shit in terms of visits.

Why not take a coach up to them? You can usually find a cheap trip, it might add an extra hour or so onto the journey but then you aren’t driving and you get stop offs on the way?

Yes, yes and yes.

And I find your assumptions that the MIL is extremely poor AND a poor little woman who must be lovely and delightful, all because she is in a wheelchair really very offensive.

Reducing us all to that sterotype....just stop it.

Since we don't know the geographiy involved, your solution might cost an arm and a leg, don't you think?

Did I ever say she was delightful? Most are ignoring the fact that the op has said MIL has no money and can't afford it and most are ignoring her disability ...why are you so happy to ignore both facts?
So you're really saying that an aging woman with disabilities needing a wheelchair is always going to be capable of hopping on a plane at the drop of the hat?
I'm glad that your mobility issues don't restrict you but not everyone is you either. I'm glad you're financially secure with holiday money etc but the reality for most disabled people especially with the current climate is not so Rosey. If that offends you I can't help that. Many have been ignoring the barriers disabilities cause only shouting out changes those barriers which is why we now have kneeling buses, priority seating and legal rights.

Has your MIL ever met her GC?

OP,
I wouldn’t make the drive to visit the in-laws. I would set my SM so none of the in-laws could see my posts and I would cut back on contact with any of them that attempt to guilt you. From here on out, it is your DH’s responsibility to maintain contact with them. I would ask DH to extend an invite to them to drive to where your family lives and meet you and DD for an afternoon out and a meal out. If they refuse, you made a good faith effort to spend time with them and they rejected it.

From here on out, any time one of your in-laws tries to guilt you or starts asking intrusive questions, change the topic and redirect them to your DH. If they continue, end the conversation. They guilt you because they view you as the weak link. If talking to them is unpleasant for you because of this behavior, stop talking to them. They are your DH’s relatives and communicating with them is his responsibility.

You have 2 fees able options

1. Don’t tell them you’re coming, don’t post pics on social media and ask hubby not to mention it as he knows the drama it will cause.
2. Tell then your mum has paid for you and DD to visit THEM, say you’d love to see them if they feel up to coming down to see you, but unfortunately you simply can’t travel for 6 hours in a car with a pre schooler and as your parents have paid for you to visit them for 5 days (or whatever it is) it simply isn’t long enough for you to travel all that way … (it’s going to take 2 days minimum out of your Stay plus add unnecessary cost and stress!! It also isn’t fair on your parents to pay to see you and then you spend half the time elsewhere!

if in laws complain I’d politely repeat your invite for them to come and visit you and DD at your parents, send them a list of local B&B’s

In fact I’d fish out some reasonably priced B&B’s and send them the link with your original text, saying we are coming over XX date to stay with my parents who have kindly paid for the flights, if you can come down for a couple of days we’d love to have a day out with you, here are some B&B’s in the area and I really hope you and SIL can make it as we’d love it.

Any abuse - forward to your husband and tell him to deal with it!

Don’t tell them. Don’t put it on social media: that’s creating a problem where there is none. Who cares if DH tells them in a text? That’s his stupidity to deal with. Really this is only an issue if you tell them. You can manage to go without posting on social media for a week, surely?