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AIBU?

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Original poster

I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

293 replies

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:03

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

OP posts:
JamHam · 01/05/2023 09:45

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 09:41

fgs
see them while you are in uk
why on earth wouldnt you?
yabu

Because they're toxic and argumentative, they'll be 6hrs away from OP, and they'll neither drive to see her or meet her half way.

That's all obvious if you read the thread.

Original poster
Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:45

I’d have to pay to hire a car and drive on U.K. roads (which I haven’t for years and years) with a four year old for six hours, plus the cost of this, which I really don’t have at present. I can’t expect my mum to drive us, even halfway (3 hours) is a bit cheeky to expect of her, she’s in her 70’s fit and well, but doesn’t like driving that far these days.
The only option I’ve thought of is getting a plane from my parents to theirs, but again I’d need to look at prices

OP posts:
greencheetah · 01/05/2023 09:47

Stop it. You don’t have to do any of these things.

You’ve already done the big bit of travelling so if they cba to visit you in uk, so be it.

Are you being bullied by DH? Or are you a dreadful people pleaser?

Pheasantplucker2 · 01/05/2023 09:47

Pre-empt it and tell them that your parents have paid for you to fly over, and you'd love to see them if they can get to you. Then stop the rest of the conversation with "we'd love to see you, but we won't be able to come to you." If SIL drives, could she drive your MIL down?

I'm taking it your parents live somewhere like Outer Hebrides or Lands End? If so, and you are feeling nice, you could book a round trip that flies into where your inlaws are, get an internal flight down or up to your parents and flies out of there. Find a travel agent online who will be able to find the cheapest way of doing it. I do understand that it will be difficult for someone in a wheelchair to travel.

However, we made the effort to go over to see my MIL in Ireland this year. I don't really like her, we are always nice to each other when we see her but I can only tolerate her in small amounts.

We booked a 10 day holiday 20 minutes down the road from where she lives and she saw us 5 times in that. Once when we went over (couldn't go again as her house is filthy and one of the kids had an allergic reaction). once when we met her in town and she went off with my husband for lunch, ignoring the children, Once when we took her out for lunch as a family, once when we took her and her husband out for dinner, and the last day when we invited her to come over so she could have all the food we had left and she asked us to pay for her petrol....

Sometimes people just aren't who you want them to be and I have made my peace with the fact that she will never be the loving and involved grandma that my mum is. My mum also lives 6 hours from us, so it isn't a question of distance.

Make the arrangement you're comfortable with, offer to see her on terms that suit you and then ignore any further comments and post what you want on FB

Chamomileteaplease · 01/05/2023 09:47

They cause a lot of trouble tbh and can be quite toxic.

Why you would spend more than two seconds worrying about what toxic family think of your decisions I do not know. Your dh doesn't seem bothered either.

Just get on and have a lovely time with your family.

TheHandbag · 01/05/2023 09:48

Fly into the airport closest to your parents and then fly out of the airport closest to your in laws. I think you've already made up your mind not to visit and deliberately being obstructive.

Zanatdy · 01/05/2023 09:48

Just don’t tell them and don’t post on social media. You don’t have to post every holiday on there. Or just tell them you’ll be in the U.K. on x dates as it’s a gift from your parents and they are welcome to visit but you won’t be able to drive there and back to visit

Eggseggseverywhere · 01/05/2023 09:48

Your time off is for a holiday not an endurance test. Your dh isn't arsed. I like his style op.

Follow his lead.
I never gave my ils my mobile number.. If they had complaints they had to go via dh!
Let dh deal with them op. Why wouldn't you?

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 01/05/2023 09:48

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:24

@LittleBearPad They cause a lot of trouble tbh and can be quite toxic. There’s never been any effort to visit in years and years of being fit and able to, whereas my family make an effort and then when they want me to finally have a holiday myself as a gift off them, I feel I can’t as I know the nastiness it will cause

Ugh literally just don’t worry what this kind of person thinks. It’s no surprise you’re not making the 6 hour effort to see them really is it.

I would go to my parents and not mention anything to ILs (why are you even entertaining toxic people?) and post what I want on SM (I personally wouldn’t post anything usually anyway so not an issue, but if you want to then do) and let them steam and let DH deal with his family. Or you could hide your SM as PPs have said. Or you could tell them you’re going to visit your parents which seems to be your default thought. But I’m not sure why you’d tell them anything tbh. None of their business.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 01/05/2023 09:48

I'd go and see them too, if fit in one of the days to spend with in laws

rookiemere · 01/05/2023 09:49

Tell them that you and DGC are in the country but are staying with your DPs as they have paid for the visit, they are welcome to come and visit you therr.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/05/2023 09:50

This is your DH’s issue. It’s not up to you to facilitate your DDs relationship with his parents. He can talk to them.

Saniflo · 01/05/2023 09:51

They aren't your family. They are your husbands. Let him sort it out. I wouldn't drive 6 hours in a foreign country to see my inlaws either. Just defer the whole situation to your husband. It isn't your problem.

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 09:51

they are your dd's grandparents too
you should make an effort, even if they can be toxic
speak to your dh

Fairydustandsparklylights · 01/05/2023 09:51

In the middle of your break, take a train First thing in the morning to arrive at lunchtime and then leave at lunchtime the following day. I know it’s a pain but they are your husbands family and I’m sure they would love to see your child - please make the effort. You both are the ones who moved away so you should be the ones making slightly more effort to go back.

Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2023 09:52

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 09:51

they are your dd's grandparents too
you should make an effort, even if they can be toxic
speak to your dh

No way
Why would you make an effort with toxic people?

Eggseggseverywhere · 01/05/2023 09:52

Toxic dgps who cba to visit? Great for dd to have in her life....

RandomMess · 01/05/2023 09:53

If your DH gets the time off her can take a few days to go visit his parents - he could ask them to pay for internal UK flights for his birthday/Christmas gift?

Basically push it back on his parents to put their money where their mouth is.

Darby3785 · 01/05/2023 09:53

Secrets have a way of exposing themselves so for me that wouldn't be an option.

You need to try and carve out some time for your in laws as its not fair on your DH or DC. The best way maybe to tell them you are coming over and that you can't drive to see them but suggest meeting half way if it's such a long drive that you won't be able to do it whilst you are here.

100% understand how unfair the no effort with family is when they don't bother from their side but you can't just come and see your family and not expect your DH to want to see his and want to lie about it! That's toxic too!

Maraudingmarauders · 01/05/2023 09:53

If you can make it work, I'd fly to my parents, stay with them for x amount of time, get a train to your in law's and then fly from an airport closest to them. No car hire, no extra flights. Adventure on a train for your 4 Yr old.
Saying that if you cant/don't want to that's fine - its a conversation for your DH and family not you!

ILoveCreamCrackersMe · 01/05/2023 09:53

It's all just excuses...

You don't want to go, that's fine, but own it and accept the reality (rightly or wrongly as we only have your POV) that they'll be pissed off if they find out.

They will more than likely find out if you try to cover it up, someone will slip up now or in the future.

The easiest solution is to offer them the chance to meet up that involves them doing some of the travelling. If they don't take you up on it then, that's their fault, you walk away guilt free. Also it'd be unrealistic for your folks to not factor/be aware that you may need/want to see the IL's at some point. If it was the other way round I'm sure you'd find a way to see your folks.

Iwasafool · 01/05/2023 09:54

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:45

I’d have to pay to hire a car and drive on U.K. roads (which I haven’t for years and years) with a four year old for six hours, plus the cost of this, which I really don’t have at present. I can’t expect my mum to drive us, even halfway (3 hours) is a bit cheeky to expect of her, she’s in her 70’s fit and well, but doesn’t like driving that far these days.
The only option I’ve thought of is getting a plane from my parents to theirs, but again I’d need to look at prices

Can you just tell them you are having the holiday, can't do the six hour trip but would love to see them if they can travel to your parents' area or meet half way. Is there a train service you could use to meet half way?

Brefugee · 01/05/2023 09:55

Nah. If your DH goes he can do a dude trip to them if he wants. Maybe meet them half way?

My rule when going to UK to visit my parents was that if others want to see me they can travel the last bit. My in-laws never did. (DH visited them as often as I visited my folks but I don't like them so cba wasting the time)

Post on SM if you want. If you want to minimise issues restrict yhe audience

Eggseggseverywhere · 01/05/2023 09:55

Why does op have to justify herself in any way? Forward any messages from them to dh. He can reply.

OhComeOn123 · 01/05/2023 09:56

frazzledasarock · 01/05/2023 09:44

It’s interesting. Your husband could go on his own and visit his parents. But chooses not to. Despite you suggesting it to him.
this seems to be a pattern on here.

and you feel guilty visiting your own parents who have paid for you to visit, because you won’t be visiting IL’s

if your husband, the son does not wish to visit his own family I wouldn’t bother. If IL’s say anything mean I’d block them on my social media and ignore them.

I really wouldn’t care and have a fun relaxing time with my family.

This! As if anyone would put me off seeing my own lovely parents?!

They sound like a nightmare, get your man baby husband to deal with his own clingy relatives and if they don't like it tell them all to fuck off and block.