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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU my EX or me - leaving kids alone

238 replies

Exhater · 30/04/2023 13:13

I have a DS14 and DD12, both stay at home regularly on their own whilst I am working all day. Often 8-9 hours.
They get themselves up and go to school, get themselves home. Manage on weekends and school holidays when I'm out of the house all day etc.

I sometimes go out in the evenings and leave them till 10pm, no issue.
Recently I had a bit of a later night out, spoke to the kids and said I would be home by midnight. All fine their end, sent them a takeaway everyone was happy.....or so I thought.

My Ex found out about this and hit the roof. We split in January this year, he currently has so home of his own so cannot take the kids overnight and sees them once every week or so for an afternoon out somewhere.
He doesn't think it's appropriate for me to leave them till midnight as "anything could happen" and "I'm abandoning them"
I'm always in regular text contact with them when I'm out, we have friends up the road for an emergency etc

My argument is that "anything could happen" in daylight hours. Just because it's dark doesn't mean the actual boogeyman is going to come out.

So....AIBU??

OP posts:
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 30/04/2023 13:26

I wouldn’t leave them regularly for such long periods at those ages, especially as late as midnight. It’s not that the real risk of something changes but things do seem scarier after dark, especially to children. I also wouldn’t have them opening doors to strangers to receive takeaways etc. Can he look after them at yours? He’s in no place to criticise given that he doesn’t have them overnight at all but trying not to conflate the two issues

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 30/04/2023 13:27

I'd not feel comfortable leaving my kids all evening at that age but I guess it depends on the children.
My ex has never had my kids overnight either. Just one afternoon per week. I'm lucky my parents have stepped in to give me a break when I need an evening out.

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2023 13:28

YANBU. I wouldn't do this loads but I think it's fine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2023 13:28

YABU

Thelondonone · 30/04/2023 13:28

My 14 year old babysits for other people as well as his 11 year old sibling. It’s fine.

Original poster
Exhater · 30/04/2023 13:30

Thelondonone · 30/04/2023 13:28

My 14 year old babysits for other people as well as his 11 year old sibling. It’s fine.

This is my thinking, we used to hire a 14 to babysit them when they were younger!

But sometimes I know my anger at him can cloud my judgement of things, but I honestly think he's just trying to control/piss me off

OP posts:
CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 30/04/2023 13:30

Hmmm…. 14 year old I’d be fine with but 12 year old not so much.
At 14 I babysat until midnight for other families.

how do they get on? When I was 12, me and my 14 year old DB fought like cat and dog! Not great for leaving alone really if they’re like that.

Original poster
Exhater · 30/04/2023 13:31

Mine get on extremely well and have a lovely close relationship

OP posts:
Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:32

YABU. As an occasional occurrence it’s probably fine but from what you describe, your children are basically raising themselves.
On a practical level they may be safe and capable but can you honestly say their emotional needs are being met with two always absent parents.

And, yes, your children will be worrying about you if you are out late, especially if you change plans. They will also be wondering what is much more important to you than being with them.

WheelsUp · 30/04/2023 13:32

yanbu to say that bad stuff happens at any time of day. I'm a single parent and have sent an Uber Eats order to ds at home.
He'd have a point of there was SN which meant that they needed supervision but most kids this age are fine. (This isn't a dig at kids who don't like being home alone or can't be home alone)

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 13:33

I think they are alone for far too long at a stage in their life when they need more parenting.

Original poster
Exhater · 30/04/2023 13:36

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:32

YABU. As an occasional occurrence it’s probably fine but from what you describe, your children are basically raising themselves.
On a practical level they may be safe and capable but can you honestly say their emotional needs are being met with two always absent parents.

And, yes, your children will be worrying about you if you are out late, especially if you change plans. They will also be wondering what is much more important to you than being with them.

I begrudge the comment that they are raising themselves. I work full time as a single parent to pay the bills. I don't have a choice in that unfortunately!
Is one evening out every week or so really that bad? At what age am I allowed a life?

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/04/2023 13:36

Do either of you actually spend much time parenting your kids? They seem to be left alone a lot.

AgnesX · 30/04/2023 13:36

If they're mature for their age and sensible I can't see why not.

Is your ex worried because of the frequency. It sounds like they're left alone a lot which they shouldn't be

EspressoMePronto · 30/04/2023 13:38

14 and 12 home alone, with you easily contactable is completely fine.

What are your usual work hours? I think some ppl will read and assume you leave them until 10 every day, just with his OP worded.

I also think it’s worth being a little compassionate with the ex. You are early in the split and this stage can feel a bit terrifying for the NRP. He’s probably overreacting because he’s feeling out of control. Don’t pander to him or anything, but maybe just bear in mind at some stage he will make decisions you don’t agree with, so set the standard of communication now.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/04/2023 13:38

Thelondonone · Today 13:28
My 14 year old babysits for other people as well as his 11 year old sibling. It’s fine.”

No, it isn’t.

RunningFromInsanity · 30/04/2023 13:39

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/04/2023 13:36

Do either of you actually spend much time parenting your kids? They seem to be left alone a lot.

  1. She has to work to raise them.
  2. It’s not her fault her ex can’t be a parent.
  3. How many 14year old boys actually hang out with their Mum when they are home anyway?
carriedout · 30/04/2023 13:40

I think it sounds too frequent and I don't think it is ideal to be leaving them til midnight.

Nightlystroll · 30/04/2023 13:40

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:32

YABU. As an occasional occurrence it’s probably fine but from what you describe, your children are basically raising themselves.
On a practical level they may be safe and capable but can you honestly say their emotional needs are being met with two always absent parents.

And, yes, your children will be worrying about you if you are out late, especially if you change plans. They will also be wondering what is much more important to you than being with them.

Yes, this. It's the frequency that's a problem.

Original poster
Exhater · 30/04/2023 13:41

So I work shifts, usually 6am-2pm. Or 9-5 the occasional evening shift till 10pm

When I am home they spend 90% of the time in their rooms/out with friends. Which I think is completely normal at their ages!

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 30/04/2023 13:41

I also think it’s worth being a little compassionate with the ex. You are early in the split and this stage can feel a bit terrifying for the NRP. He’s probably overreacting because he’s feeling out of control. Don’t pander to him or anything, but maybe just bear in mind at some stage he will make decisions you don’t agree with, so set the standard of communication now.

How about the ex is extremely grateful that she is raising their children full time as he is incapable? How about he pays for a babysitter instead?

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:42

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:32

YABU. As an occasional occurrence it’s probably fine but from what you describe, your children are basically raising themselves.
On a practical level they may be safe and capable but can you honestly say their emotional needs are being met with two always absent parents.

And, yes, your children will be worrying about you if you are out late, especially if you change plans. They will also be wondering what is much more important to you than being with them.

Lol
only on MN do teenagers who spent the occasional evening at home without mum are ‘raising themselves’

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/04/2023 13:43

Exhater · 30/04/2023 13:41

So I work shifts, usually 6am-2pm. Or 9-5 the occasional evening shift till 10pm

When I am home they spend 90% of the time in their rooms/out with friends. Which I think is completely normal at their ages!

That's fair. It came over across in the OP like it was most days, evenings and weekends. I apologise OP, I completely understand having to work. Won't your ex help out more?

Throwncrumbs · 30/04/2023 13:43

Do you ever SEE your children? They get themselves up, go to school, get home and sort themselves out, you send them a takeaway, then get home gone midnight… several times a week? Really, I’m with your ex here, you’re using your 14 year old as care for your 12 year old. Poor kids!

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 13:43

I think leaning a young teen to be responsible for a tween for up to 8-9 hours a day and then also in the evening whilst you are socialising (so potentially another 4 hours) is surely their entire waking hours. Yes, I do think that’s too much given they are also adjusting to their parents separating four months ago.

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