Page 6 | Who IBU my EX or me - leaving kids alone

Exhater · 2023-04-30T12:13:55+00:00

I have a DS14 and DD12, both stay at home regularly on their own whilst I am working all day. Often 8-9 hours. They get themselves up and go to school, get themselves home. Manage on weekends and school holidays when I'm out of the house all day etc. I sometimes go out in the evenings and leave them till 10pm, no issue. Recently I had a bit of a later night out, spoke to the kids and said I would be home by midnight. All fine their end, sent them a takeaway everyone was happy.....or so I thought. My Ex found out about this and hit the roof. We split in January this year, he currently has so home of his own so cannot take the kids overnight and sees them once every week or so for an afternoon out somewhere. He doesn't think it's appropriate for me to leave them till midnight as "anything could happen" and "I'm abandoning them" I'm always in regular text contact with them when I'm out, we have friends up the road for an emergency etc My argument is that "anything could happen" in daylight hours. Just because it's dark doesn't mean the actual boogeyman is going to come out. So....AIBU??

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 16:24

Exhater · 30/04/2023 16:15

I think you need to calm down a little.

If they can cram all that in between 6-10 on a Wednesday evening I'd salute them. I really would 🤦🏻‍♀️

Also....what to do in a lockdown?! I'll teach them what to do in a nuclear attack as well shall I?

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every single one of these things has happened to teens I have known, and many of these things have happened to many teens, not just one or two

Snugglemonkey · 30/04/2023 16:26

Exhater · 30/04/2023 15:57

So should I not work then? If 8 hours is too much?

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It is too much on a regular basis, yes. If it happens frequently, they should be in clubs, or have your ex be there for at least part of the time, see if they can go to a friend's some days and have their friends when you are not working. Otherwise, I would be looking at options work wise, because I have experience of this and it did not go well. So I would not have it for my children.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 16:30

Snugglemonkey · 30/04/2023 16:26

It is too much on a regular basis, yes. If it happens frequently, they should be in clubs, or have your ex be there for at least part of the time, see if they can go to a friend's some days and have their friends when you are not working. Otherwise, I would be looking at options work wise, because I have experience of this and it did not go well. So I would not have it for my children.

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What clubs do you think exist for a 12 and a 14 year old? There's certainly absolutely nothing where I live, they all stop at the end of primary school.

It also doesn't say they don't see friends or have friends over.

I'm sure OP would like to be around more, but as a single parent with no support from her ex, her options are fairly limited. Why don't you attack the father of these children who can't even get off his arse and feed them once a week?

Snugglemonkey · 30/04/2023 16:33

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 16:24

every single one of these things has happened to teens I have known, and many of these things have happened to many teens, not just one or two

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I have seen lots of these things happen too.

Mischance · 30/04/2023 16:34

Those are very long hours to be leaving them on their own. Never mind safety considerations, they must feel a total irrelevance to the adults in their lives.

CornedBeef451 · 30/04/2023 16:42

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts well obviously he's utterly useless and a shit dad but also I think it's wrong to leave children alone for that long and that late at night. Both can be true.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 16:52

CornedBeef451 · 30/04/2023 16:42

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts well obviously he's utterly useless and a shit dad but also I think it's wrong to leave children alone for that long and that late at night. Both can be true.

What other choice do you think she has when she's working?

Snugglemonkey · 30/04/2023 16:53

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 16:30

What clubs do you think exist for a 12 and a 14 year old? There's certainly absolutely nothing where I live, they all stop at the end of primary school.

It also doesn't say they don't see friends or have friends over.

I'm sure OP would like to be around more, but as a single parent with no support from her ex, her options are fairly limited. Why don't you attack the father of these children who can't even get off his arse and feed them once a week?

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Really? I know many teens who go to sports and social clubs after school.

I don't mean more unsupervised children joining in, I mean splitting care with other parents so children are not on their own for 8 hours.

I am not attacking, I am being perfectly civil. I am saying it is too much because to my mind, it is. Obviously their father should do more, but he is not the one asking. OP has asked is this reasonable, I do not think it is.

My childhood best friend was this teenager, her brother is a drug addict, she got pregnant at 15 by a 35 year old. Several other friends got very into drugs. My brother's friend is in prison, he got caught up in drugs too. Lots of young people I know who did not have adequate parental supervision and support ended up teen parents, on drugs or in other trouble. I would not do a job that meant I was not around in the evenings. Not worth the risk.

Original poster

Exhater · 30/04/2023 17:00

Snugglemonkey · 30/04/2023 16:53

Really? I know many teens who go to sports and social clubs after school.

I don't mean more unsupervised children joining in, I mean splitting care with other parents so children are not on their own for 8 hours.

I am not attacking, I am being perfectly civil. I am saying it is too much because to my mind, it is. Obviously their father should do more, but he is not the one asking. OP has asked is this reasonable, I do not think it is.

My childhood best friend was this teenager, her brother is a drug addict, she got pregnant at 15 by a 35 year old. Several other friends got very into drugs. My brother's friend is in prison, he got caught up in drugs too. Lots of young people I know who did not have adequate parental supervision and support ended up teen parents, on drugs or in other trouble. I would not do a job that meant I was not around in the evenings. Not worth the risk.

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Except I am around in the evenings. I just want to go out occasionally

OP posts:

Changechangechanging · 30/04/2023 17:00

Exhater · 30/04/2023 15:57

So should I not work then? If 8 hours is too much?

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Ha! Precisely. Welcome to single parenthood. You must continue to patent your children as if part of a couple, according to all those who write 'we'....but you must also work full time and avoid becoming one of those single mothers who we whisper about in decent circles with the words 'on benefits'. Prepare to always be in the wrong.

Wenfy · 30/04/2023 17:07

Your eldest is parenting the youngest. I don’t see the point in you as a parent at all. You can do what you’re doing (paying for their upkeep) if they lived with your ex / your parents etc.

Jeezypeepers · 30/04/2023 17:10

Changechangechanging · 30/04/2023 17:00

Ha! Precisely. Welcome to single parenthood. You must continue to patent your children as if part of a couple, according to all those who write 'we'....but you must also work full time and avoid becoming one of those single mothers who we whisper about in decent circles with the words 'on benefits'. Prepare to always be in the wrong.

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Preach.

Original poster

Exhater · 30/04/2023 17:11

Wenfy · 30/04/2023 17:07

Your eldest is parenting the youngest. I don’t see the point in you as a parent at all. You can do what you’re doing (paying for their upkeep) if they lived with your ex / your parents etc.

Fucking wow.

OP posts:

Original poster

Exhater · 30/04/2023 17:13

Changechangechanging · 30/04/2023 17:00

Ha! Precisely. Welcome to single parenthood. You must continue to patent your children as if part of a couple, according to all those who write 'we'....but you must also work full time and avoid becoming one of those single mothers who we whisper about in decent circles with the words 'on benefits'. Prepare to always be in the wrong.

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I'm learning this, who knew people were so judgemental and downright nasty in their opinions.

As apparently my DS is more of a parent than me I best go turf him out of his pit so he can stick a wash on, make dinner, and help his sister with her homework

OP posts:

PrincessScarlett · 30/04/2023 17:18

I was going to suggest that your ex comes to yours but as you have said he refuses to do this or even invite them for dinner he has absolutely no right to criticize your arrangements.

Personally, I would not go out once a week until the kids are a couple of years older but I totally get that this is my choice and you are entitled to make your own choice.

Changechangechanging · 30/04/2023 17:18

who knew people were so judgemental and downright nasty in their opinions

People don't think. They don't see the reality because they don't have to live it. You will get sad faces and 'oh no, I didn't mean you' if you challenge it. And then someone you consider a good friend with a grip on reality will say something along the lines of 'oh, I'm just like a single parent' when her partner goes on a work trip for one overnight....Just lower your expectations of everyone around you. There are a lot of bigots out there I'm afraid.

batsandeggs · 30/04/2023 17:24

You won’t like it, but I’m with your ex on this one. That is a lot of time spent alone for two like, and regardless of how self sufficient and reliable and level headed they are - kids need their parents, they need the visibility and it’s something they’ll remember into adulthood. I was raised very much this way and it was just… shit. Like, it was fine and yes my parents needed to work, it just feel shit that being alone so much of the time was a consequence of just being born and them having to make money. What’s the point.

Also I don’t think your night out is actually the issue. I’d think that was completely fine if it wasn’t coupled with the fact that your kids have to basically see to themselves the rest of the time.

Changechangechanging · 30/04/2023 17:36

I’d think that was completely fine if it wasn’t coupled with the fact that your kids have to basically see to themselves the rest of the time

Would you say that to their father? The same father who won't even give them a mid-week meal let alone see them overnight? Would you say the same if the OP was facing g losing her home, not being able to pay bills, going to struggle to put food on the table or pay for new school shoes?

Can you perhaps recognise her life as she knew it has just blown out the water and perhaps she needs time to get things sorted - and that might include renegotiating her working hours or looking for a new job so she can be present more? Or maybe just realise that when the buck stops with you alone, sometimes you nees to do stuff you'd rather not?

batsandeggs · 30/04/2023 17:40

Changechangechanging · 30/04/2023 17:36

I’d think that was completely fine if it wasn’t coupled with the fact that your kids have to basically see to themselves the rest of the time

Would you say that to their father? The same father who won't even give them a mid-week meal let alone see them overnight? Would you say the same if the OP was facing g losing her home, not being able to pay bills, going to struggle to put food on the table or pay for new school shoes?

Can you perhaps recognise her life as she knew it has just blown out the water and perhaps she needs time to get things sorted - and that might include renegotiating her working hours or looking for a new job so she can be present more? Or maybe just realise that when the buck stops with you alone, sometimes you nees to do stuff you'd rather not?

Yes I would say the same to their father. And?

OP wasn’t clear whatsoever in her post that this is the result of a life changing world altering situation. If it’s temporary, then sure it’s not ideal, but it’s temporary. If it’s not temporary then sorry, my entire post still stands. Sorry that offends you.

Oldnproud · 30/04/2023 17:49

batsandeggs · 30/04/2023 17:24

You won’t like it, but I’m with your ex on this one. That is a lot of time spent alone for two like, and regardless of how self sufficient and reliable and level headed they are - kids need their parents, they need the visibility and it’s something they’ll remember into adulthood. I was raised very much this way and it was just… shit. Like, it was fine and yes my parents needed to work, it just feel shit that being alone so much of the time was a consequence of just being born and them having to make money. What’s the point.

Also I don’t think your night out is actually the issue. I’d think that was completely fine if it wasn’t coupled with the fact that your kids have to basically see to themselves the rest of the time.

As I read it, the children would normally only be on their own for long hours during school holidays ( possibly some weekends if she sometimes works then, but i don't recall that being said), as it sounds like her shifts mean that mum is normally there either when they go to school, or when they get back.

OP, I think that you know your children better than anyone, and it sounds like this setup is working well for all of you. I dont know how your ex has the nerve to kick off when he is offering bugger all care for his children.

As for the odd evening out at the weekend, as long as your kids are both OK about it and as long as you still feel that neither of them will push any boundaries too far (this might happen as they get older, but hopefully ex will be doing his bit by then anyway), go for it.

Snugglemonkey · 30/04/2023 17:51

Exhater · 30/04/2023 17:00

Except I am around in the evenings. I just want to go out occasionally

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You said that you work shifts. You said they are often alone 8 or 9 hours. Your posts make it sound like you are not there. And actually, two nights a week is not occasionally. One night a week is not even occasionally FFS. Don't ask aibu if you are going to get pissed off at people saying yes.

batsandeggs · 30/04/2023 17:52

Snugglemonkey · 30/04/2023 17:51

You said that you work shifts. You said they are often alone 8 or 9 hours. Your posts make it sound like you are not there. And actually, two nights a week is not occasionally. One night a week is not even occasionally FFS. Don't ask aibu if you are going to get pissed off at people saying yes.

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Right?! OP makes out that the kids are left for 8-9 hours through the days, weekends, holidays and then evenings “every so often” - then drip feeds that it’s not really the case…

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 17:54

batsandeggs · 30/04/2023 17:40

Yes I would say the same to their father. And?

OP wasn’t clear whatsoever in her post that this is the result of a life changing world altering situation. If it’s temporary, then sure it’s not ideal, but it’s temporary. If it’s not temporary then sorry, my entire post still stands. Sorry that offends you.

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So, what exactly do you want her to do? Everyone is quick to jump in and criticise, but nobody has actually come up with a solution for her.

OP can't force her ex to step up and have her children, and she can't quit her job because she has bills to pay and two children to provide a home for. If she did quit work and go onto benefits, people would still be criticising her for sponging of the state and not working.

The number of women who have come on to this thread to kick a single parent doing their best should shock me, but sadly it doesn't.

batsandeggs · 30/04/2023 17:56

She didn’t ask for a solution. She asked if she was being unreasonable. And, quite frankly, when kids of that age have been left alone for 8-9 hours all week then yes I think she was being unreasonable. Her husband is completely unreasonable too. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t either.

batsandeggs · 30/04/2023 17:56

Apologies, ex-husband*