Who IBU my EX or me - leaving kids alone

[Exhater]

I have a DS14 and DD12, both stay at home regularly on their own whilst I am working all day. Often 8-9 hours.
They get themselves up and go to school, get themselves home. Manage on weekends and school holidays when I'm out of the house all day etc.

I sometimes go out in the evenings and leave them till 10pm, no issue.
Recently I had a bit of a later night out, spoke to the kids and said I would be home by midnight. All fine their end, sent them a takeaway everyone was happy.....or so I thought.

My Ex found out about this and hit the roof. We split in January this year, he currently has so home of his own so cannot take the kids overnight and sees them once every week or so for an afternoon out somewhere.
He doesn't think it's appropriate for me to leave them till midnight as "anything could happen" and "I'm abandoning them"
I'm always in regular text contact with them when I'm out, we have friends up the road for an emergency etc

My argument is that "anything could happen" in daylight hours. Just because it's dark doesn't mean the actual boogeyman is going to come out.

So....AIBU??

Not everyone has a choice 🤷‍♀️

Their father has chosen not to bother with them and their mother has to work to pay the bills.

It's also vital that OP has time out of the house to herself whether she's a single parent or not. It's beneficial for both children to have a happy mother who is fit and healthy and able to care for them - doubly so in OP's scenario as their dad can't even be arsed to feed them once a week!

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

I really hope you are right.

If anyone should be demonised here, it should be the father who doesn't even feed his children once a week - not the mother who works full-time shift work and does absolutely everything for them 🤷‍♀️

@Coyoacan yes of course I was being hyperbolic but no more so than some of the responses who think the kids are poor neglected latch key kids wafting about aimlessly . @EarringsandLipstick if the kids were younger then yes, out of necessity she might have to curtail any kind of social life (as I did) but they're NOT younger now. And they get on, and they are fine. So alternative universes where they are younger, or miserable or scared or malnourished aren't really relevant.

Seems like no one here has teens and 2 working parents. DH and I both are back in the office ft, my teens get ready for school alone and come home to an empty house, they don’t leave for school till 8 and we both have to be at work before that. They could hang out with us in the morning but like most teens they would rather sleep till the last minute than get up early to talk to their parents over breakfast! It is also not feasible to be home by 4 with a commute and some days one of mine has an activity which means we don’t even see him till 8:30. I don’t think either would say we aren’t around or don’t have time to parent then, this is just the norm for kids their age!

@britinnyc

That's lovely, but you are not going through a divorce. Divorce is particularly hard for that age group.

Nobody's saying it's not.

But OP still has to go to work and she's still entitled to a night off, regardless of whether she's single, married or living in a commune with eleven other families.

Her children aren't neglected or starved off attention. She just works shifts so that sometimes she's not around before or after school.

I think it's fine to leave a child at this age. You've said they get on so no issues fherexabout the 14 year old being responsible for the 12 year old.
The only issue I would consider is their bedtime. They might feel OK waiting for you to come home but might not be comfortable enough to go to bed and sleep. It wouldn't have bothered me or either of my children but I know my niece would have felt differently at that age. Just be sure the kids aren't feeling they can't go to sleep till your home.
As for your ex, let him rant buy tell him k8ndly you won't be changing what works for you as a family. He is of course welcome to call his children whilst your out and be there for them however you're not always able to preplanned these things. Ask if he'd like the children to call him or not. That's fhe 2 choices.

Her children aren't neglected or starved off attention. She just works shifts so that sometimes she's not around before or after school.

That sounds as if you know the OP, while the rest of us have just what she has written to base ourselves on.

if the kids were younger then yes, out of necessity she might have to curtail any kind of social life (as I did) but they're NOT younger now

Bibble I made the point that I was viewing the situation through my own experience. I have 3 DC - age range slightly older than OPs to slightly younger.

I don't have a social life - not because of age, not especially because of safety concerns, I just don't think it's good parenting to leave them more than I need to. Due to work, they spend more time alone / managing eg dinners than I'd like, though they are capable (not babied as referred to by one PP!). I don't think it's fair to put a social life additionally ahead of being there as a parent. In my own situation. (And they do sports every day of the week so time is a factor anyway).

Again, OP and her DC are happy, which is what matters.

No - that's what she's written herself up thread 🙈

She works shifts - so sometimes it's an early start and an early finish, sometimes it's 9-5 and sometimes it's lates so she's around in the morning and not after school on those days.

Right here @Coyoacan

For what it's worth OP. While I don't think you're being unreasonable leaving the kids, I do think you're unreasonable letting the 14yo play GTA.

As a 35ish bloke who loves a horror movie, there's a couple of bits of that game that seriously squicked me out. Particularly the torture scene where you're picking the torture implement and then using it. I would not have processed that well as a 14 year old.

Most of the violence in that game is comedy cartoony video game violence, but some of it is very grim.