Who IBU my EX or me - leaving kids alone

[Exhater]

I have a DS14 and DD12, both stay at home regularly on their own whilst I am working all day. Often 8-9 hours.
They get themselves up and go to school, get themselves home. Manage on weekends and school holidays when I'm out of the house all day etc.

I sometimes go out in the evenings and leave them till 10pm, no issue.
Recently I had a bit of a later night out, spoke to the kids and said I would be home by midnight. All fine their end, sent them a takeaway everyone was happy.....or so I thought.

My Ex found out about this and hit the roof. We split in January this year, he currently has so home of his own so cannot take the kids overnight and sees them once every week or so for an afternoon out somewhere.
He doesn't think it's appropriate for me to leave them till midnight as "anything could happen" and "I'm abandoning them"
I'm always in regular text contact with them when I'm out, we have friends up the road for an emergency etc

My argument is that "anything could happen" in daylight hours. Just because it's dark doesn't mean the actual boogeyman is going to come out.

So....AIBU??

I suspect people are going off the first post. In that OP indicates that she is not there when they get ready and go to school, isn’t there when they come home from school and also isn’t there at the weekends.

@Mortimercat

I think you hit the nail on the head.

But I do think though that a teen and a pre-teen should not be left on their own too much, especially when they are still getting used to the separation of their parents.

And, OP, lots of us are single parents who have had to leave our children alone to go out to work.

Op says when she is working during the holidays To though which means all those hours they genuinely are alone for that whole period plus a late night.

Op says when she is working during the holidays To though which means all those hours they genuinely are alone for that whole period plus a late night

so as an immediate fix, what do you suggest the OP does?

I'm not a pearl clutcher. But as mentioned it's an 18 rated game, not 14.

Well for starters, when she is already leaving them in the holidays for say 40 hours for work and 5 hours on a Wednesday night, rein in the Saturday nights out! If the working hours are at night, then get friends / family or some other help so that the kids aren't sat gaming all night but have a proper dinner and a chat. It's unfortunate for thess kids that they have one useless parent, but it's worse to amplify that by the second one not being available either.

Not add social nights out ontop of her children being alone so much.

She wants to know when she can have a night out that she deserves… when can her children be children with a parent there.

Let’s not lie to ourselves either children know more than they should always. We have all overheard conversations that we shouldn’t have as children. We have all told our parents we are happy and it’s ok when we were not happy and it wasn’t ok. Because we wanted them to be happy.

Well for starters, when she is already leaving them in the holidays for say 40 hours for work and 5 hours on a Wednesday night, rein in the Saturday nights out! If the working hours are at night, then get friends / family or some other help so that the kids aren't sat gaming all night but have a proper dinner and a chat. It's unfortunate for thess kids that they have one useless parent, but it's worse to amplify that by the second one not being available either

• why do you presume it is every Saturday night and that the OP is somehow unable to make sensible decisions based on the situation in a given moment?
• presumably if she had family able to support, she would already be using that family to help out?
• presumably if she had friends willing to help out, they would also be helping.
• presumably the children themselves will sometimes have evenings with friends? Although probably online, so no different to the OP’s children, but somehow it’s more respectable with parents in the house,
• why not direct your ire at the useless parent rather than the one who stayed and who is sometimes just trying to breathe a bit? She’s doing her best.

Not add social nights out ontop of her children being alone so much.

Yes, because heaven forbid a single parent has any time out for themselves

She works full-time and parents her children with zero help from their father - and people are bashing her for taking one night a week for herself? It's so depressing.

You're stacking up lot more assumptions than I did. OP was complaining that she wanted two nights out on top of working hours, it's the second night out until midnight that her useless ex moaned about. I'd happily let him know her useless and the myriad ways he both could and should pull his weight, but he isn't here. I was already clear, but let's try it again. Having one absent parent is bad, turning that into two isn't ok just because OP pays the bills, someone still needs to actually parent the children from time to time.

*he's useless, not her useless

why not direct your ire at the useless parent rather than the one who stayed and who is sometimes just trying to breathe a bit? She’s doing her best

I am not angry at anyone. I am advising the OP that, for the good of her children, she should not leave them alone more than is absolutely necessary. They are her children and if they end up with serious problems, she will be the one to suffer. I have a couple of friends going through serious problems with their adult children right now and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

If the father was here asking for advice, we would of course all tell him to start pulling his weight.

She's in no way an absent parent.

She's a single parent who works full time, raises her children single-handedly and wants one night out of the house each week, occasionally two.

Her children are more than old enough to get themselves to and from school - millions of DC up and down the country do it every single day - even ones from shock two-parent families.

I'm really not sure why she's being demonised here.

I'm really not sure why she's being demonised here.

Again, who is being demonised? She asked for an opinion and people are giving her our opinions, considering the wellbeing of her children.

I'm mostly flabbergasted to find out that I'm a terrible, neglectful, selfish person who's children are going to turn into drug addicts and teen parents because I go out on a Wednesday evening.

You got some daft replies OP, but most people weren't saying anything like this!

I do think, based on your question, that you leave them for longer than ideal periods too often - for me, if you've to leave them alone for work, choosing to leave them for social reasons for an entire evening at that age, is too much.

@EarringsandLipstick but by that logic, the OP, if she doesn't have options for childcare around (and really, they are too old for babysitters) she can never go out - I know its early days yet but at some point she'll want to possibly even (gasp) date. Frankly the Dad (especially if he wants an opinion on this) needs to either ask VERY nicely if he can come and see them of an evening at the OPs house or get himself sorted out with a proper flat at least. The kids get on so even, at a push a one bedroom that they share when there with him on the couch would be better than nothing. Or maybe she should cut her working hours, sit around polishing the furniture while her teenagers are at school so she can welcome them home with a pinny on and nutritous snack. Is she THEN allowed a night out? (maybe, like part of an evening, if not a WHOLE one???)

@BibbleandSqwauk

I know - and you make fair points. I suppose I'm coloured by my own experience - which is non-involved ex, no other support & working f/t.

I therefore don't socialise or date [not recommending it as a course of action, I just don't have time or wish to be spending further time away from them when I have to anyway due to work]

@BibbleandSqwauk

Talk about hyperbole. Again it is not about morals, it is about the best interests of the children. If the children were younger and, like me, she could not afford to pay for a babysitter and her evening out, would her need to have her own life trump every other consideration?

IMO that's too long to leave them and too regularly. It's great that they're so independent but also a bit sad 🤷🏼‍♀️
I think YABU.

🤣🤣 this thread is absolutely fucking golden @Exhater thank you for allowing the pearl clutchers to brighten up my Monday evening.

your kids sound good and we’ll rounded and would I fuck let your ex dictate what happens in your house especially when the extent of his ‘parenting’ is the odd afternoon in out.

don’t let these people or him get in your head. Enjoy yourself.

My kids are about the same age, and often left alone to get on with things themselves too. When my DH unexpectedly dropped dead, we all had to accept the reality, and they know I work the hours I do so that we can all eat and live in a safe home. They get themselves up and out, and come home to an empty house. They can feed themselves, use the washing machine, tidy up, do all the things that I'm actually really proud of them for being able to do. I do want to sob that I'm not around more now its GCSE time, but hey, this is the hand we were dealt. Keep fucking going, OP, it sounds like you're holding a lot together

You are being unreasonable asking on this site about leaving your kids home alone. At 14 and 12, unless there's SEN, they should be perfectly capable of holding the fort. It's clear from the responses that there's a huge number of massively babied young people on MN.

They are spending an awfully long time alone with no adult supervision.
That's not right.
Do you spend any quality time with them?
Can you get an an pair so at least someone is in the house?
I'm sorry but this just seems totally wrong to me.

If you read the thread, OP has been called neglectful and a shit parent. People have told her her kids raise themselves and that she's never around to spend time with them, so they're going to end up pregnant drug addicts with criminal records.

She's also been criticised for working shifts and for not working part-time in order to be home before and after school.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

Ok granted.

But are you absolutely certain that it is ok to leave such a young teen and preteen alone so much so soon after the parents separate.

I know all about how difficult it is to do things as nicely as one would want as a single mother but the teenage years are the most difficult and teenagers react particularly badly to divorce.