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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU my EX or me - leaving kids alone

238 replies

Exhater · 30/04/2023 13:13

I have a DS14 and DD12, both stay at home regularly on their own whilst I am working all day. Often 8-9 hours.
They get themselves up and go to school, get themselves home. Manage on weekends and school holidays when I'm out of the house all day etc.

I sometimes go out in the evenings and leave them till 10pm, no issue.
Recently I had a bit of a later night out, spoke to the kids and said I would be home by midnight. All fine their end, sent them a takeaway everyone was happy.....or so I thought.

My Ex found out about this and hit the roof. We split in January this year, he currently has so home of his own so cannot take the kids overnight and sees them once every week or so for an afternoon out somewhere.
He doesn't think it's appropriate for me to leave them till midnight as "anything could happen" and "I'm abandoning them"
I'm always in regular text contact with them when I'm out, we have friends up the road for an emergency etc

My argument is that "anything could happen" in daylight hours. Just because it's dark doesn't mean the actual boogeyman is going to come out.

So....AIBU??

OP posts:
YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:43

RunningFromInsanity · 30/04/2023 13:41

I also think it’s worth being a little compassionate with the ex. You are early in the split and this stage can feel a bit terrifying for the NRP. He’s probably overreacting because he’s feeling out of control. Don’t pander to him or anything, but maybe just bear in mind at some stage he will make decisions you don’t agree with, so set the standard of communication now.

How about the ex is extremely grateful that she is raising their children full time as he is incapable? How about he pays for a babysitter instead?

Absolutely!! What a pathetic post that was. Why should OP pander to her exH’s over sensitivities. It’s harder for RP as non-RP, who do fuck all 95% of the time, are all too keen to find a stick to beat their ex with WRT their children.

Eggseggseverywhere · 30/04/2023 13:43

My exh regularly left 3 primary school dc home alone. Ss weren't interested.. He denied it to Cafcass...

At 12 and 14 now and again is fine..
The haters can babysit for you op.

Namechange5508 · 30/04/2023 13:44

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/04/2023 13:36

Do either of you actually spend much time parenting your kids? They seem to be left alone a lot.

This.

I’m also a single but I work part time in order to be around for my children. I think you need to arrange for their dad to be around at your house when they get home from school so they have a parent there to offload about their day/make them a snack/show an interest in them.

EspressoMePronto · 30/04/2023 13:44

RunningFromInsanity · 30/04/2023 13:41

I also think it’s worth being a little compassionate with the ex. You are early in the split and this stage can feel a bit terrifying for the NRP. He’s probably overreacting because he’s feeling out of control. Don’t pander to him or anything, but maybe just bear in mind at some stage he will make decisions you don’t agree with, so set the standard of communication now.

How about the ex is extremely grateful that she is raising their children full time as he is incapable? How about he pays for a babysitter instead?

How about both? Do we know he did/didn’t offer? Did OP ask? Did I miss that? Is anything I said so ridiculous regardless?

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:45

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:42

Lol
only on MN do teenagers who spent the occasional evening at home without mum are ‘raising themselves’

Show quote history

If you actually read the OP, it’s not the “occasional evening”, she says they get themselves up and out for school, get themselves home and are alone at the weekend.

2bazookas · 30/04/2023 13:45

He doesn't think it's appropriate for me to leave them till midnight as "anything could happen" and "I'm abandoning them"

So he's offering to come and babysit his own kids? GREAT. Send him a few dates when he'll be required.

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:45

Namechange5508 · 30/04/2023 13:44

This.

I’m also a single but I work part time in order to be around for my children. I think you need to arrange for their dad to be around at your house when they get home from school so they have a parent there to offload about their day/make them a snack/show an interest in them.

Show quote history

WTF.

The OP should have her ex lounging about her house so that 2 teenagers (well 1 and an almost teen) can have a snack made for them?

WTF am I reading?

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:46

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:45

If you actually read the OP, it’s not the “occasional evening”, she says they get themselves up and out for school, get themselves home and are alone at the weekend.

Show quote history

Do you expect OP to dress 2 secondary school children? Why can’t they get up and get ready themselves?

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2023 13:46

Yabu

I think the fact they are often waking up alone and doing all that going off to school then sometimes home to an empty house and then your also going out on top of that is way too much sorry.

As a one off once a week maybe but a 14 year old shouldn’t have to be responsible for their younger sibling so much it might not be classed as neglect but it isn’t nice for the children.

EspressoMePronto · 30/04/2023 13:46

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:43

Absolutely!! What a pathetic post that was. Why should OP pander to her exH’s over sensitivities. It’s harder for RP as non-RP, who do fuck all 95% of the time, are all too keen to find a stick to beat their ex with WRT their children.

Show quote history

ODFOD. There is nothing wrong with attempting to be the adult on the first disagreement.

And let’s be clear, I think what the OP did was no big deal. But sure, go off of the lunatic trying to minimise stress for the OP by reducing conflict.

You, my love, are the pathetic poster.

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:47

EspressoMePronto · 30/04/2023 13:46

ODFOD. There is nothing wrong with attempting to be the adult on the first disagreement.

And let’s be clear, I think what the OP did was no big deal. But sure, go off of the lunatic trying to minimise stress for the OP by reducing conflict.

You, my love, are the pathetic poster.

Show quote history

I’m not your love, and I don’t agree with you.

EspressoMePronto · 30/04/2023 13:48

Exhater · 30/04/2023 13:41

So I work shifts, usually 6am-2pm. Or 9-5 the occasional evening shift till 10pm

When I am home they spend 90% of the time in their rooms/out with friends. Which I think is completely normal at their ages!

So they aren’t alone anywhere near as much as some PPs are trying to make out.

You are absolutely allowed a life!!!

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:48

I don’t think the people posting here horrified that 12 and 14yo’s get themselves ready for school even have older children. What are you expecting OP to actually do in a morning?

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:48

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:46

Do you expect OP to dress 2 secondary school children? Why can’t they get up and get ready themselves?

Show quote history

No, but you do have to actually spend time with the occasionally and speak to them sometime.

RunningFromInsanity · 30/04/2023 13:49

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:48

No, but you do have to actually spend time with the occasionally and speak to them sometime.

Show quote history

And you do have to earn money to put those clothes on those children…

Namechange5508 · 30/04/2023 13:49

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:45

WTF.

The OP should have her ex lounging about her house so that 2 teenagers (well 1 and an almost teen) can have a snack made for them?

WTF am I reading?

Show quote history

It’s one of a list of things. I’m just saying, since the OP asked, that I think they need more parental love around.

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:49

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:48

No, but you do have to actually spend time with the occasionally and speak to them sometime.

Show quote history

Do you only speak to your children in a morning or something?

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2023 13:50

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:48

I don’t think the people posting here horrified that 12 and 14yo’s get themselves ready for school even have older children. What are you expecting OP to actually do in a morning?

To just be there as a parent checking in with their children is that too hard? My teenager never wants breakfast but I still check in or offer something he can take with him. I’m there if he suddenly has a oh shit I need this moment. Same as my 11 year old still shock horror sometimes forgets her after school pe kit and I end up running it down. They are still children.

You know parenting.

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:50

Namechange5508 · 30/04/2023 13:49

It’s one of a list of things. I’m just saying, since the OP asked, that I think they need more parental love around.

Show quote history

Maybe I’ve read something different but nothing indicates a lack of ‘parental love’. What do you even mean? What should the OP be doing on a morning?

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:51

RunningFromInsanity · 30/04/2023 13:49

And you do have to earn money to put those clothes on those children…

Show quote history

Yes, but she isn’t earning money when she’s going out for the evening is she, she’s spending that money and her children are alone again.

Greengold123 · 30/04/2023 13:51

No problem leaving them at their ages, even for extended periods of time (like all day when you are working)

But I don't think it's healthy for children of those ages to be without adult supervision for so long so regularly, they could easily start getting up to all sorts and you wouldn't know, or have an impact on their MH and development.

Can you ex come and sit with them/ spend time with them when you're going to be out for a long time? Or neighbours, family friends, relatives?

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2023 13:52

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:51

Yes, but she isn’t earning money when she’s going out for the evening is she, she’s spending that money and her children are alone again.

Show quote history

Exactly. Working to pay for drinks out so her children can be alone again.

clearly dad wasn’t offered a chance to “baby sit” either since he wasn’t happy it happened.

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:52

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2023 13:50

To just be there as a parent checking in with their children is that too hard? My teenager never wants breakfast but I still check in or offer something he can take with him. I’m there if he suddenly has a oh shit I need this moment. Same as my 11 year old still shock horror sometimes forgets her after school pe kit and I end up running it down. They are still children.

You know parenting.

Show quote history

To just be there as a parent checking in with their children is that too hard?

It is rather when you’re at work, yes.

Maybe I missed the memo but I never realised mornings before school were the crucial time where parenting counts the most and there’s no other opportunity to ‘check in’ on your kids.

Some of you sound overbearing TBH. Morning in my house is about breakfast and being out the door on time

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:52

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 13:49

Do you only speak to your children in a morning or something?

Show quote history

No, I speak to them more frequently than that as ai’m not prioritising my social life over their emotional needs.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 13:54

If your ex is bothered about them being left alone, why doesn't he look after them instead of bitching to you?