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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU my EX or me - leaving kids alone

238 replies

Exhater · 30/04/2023 13:13

I have a DS14 and DD12, both stay at home regularly on their own whilst I am working all day. Often 8-9 hours.
They get themselves up and go to school, get themselves home. Manage on weekends and school holidays when I'm out of the house all day etc.

I sometimes go out in the evenings and leave them till 10pm, no issue.
Recently I had a bit of a later night out, spoke to the kids and said I would be home by midnight. All fine their end, sent them a takeaway everyone was happy.....or so I thought.

My Ex found out about this and hit the roof. We split in January this year, he currently has so home of his own so cannot take the kids overnight and sees them once every week or so for an afternoon out somewhere.
He doesn't think it's appropriate for me to leave them till midnight as "anything could happen" and "I'm abandoning them"
I'm always in regular text contact with them when I'm out, we have friends up the road for an emergency etc

My argument is that "anything could happen" in daylight hours. Just because it's dark doesn't mean the actual boogeyman is going to come out.

So....AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
Exhater · 30/04/2023 14:27

Or he could just.....look after them?

OP posts:
YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 14:28

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2023 13:52

Exactly. Working to pay for drinks out so her children can be alone again.

clearly dad wasn’t offered a chance to “baby sit” either since he wasn’t happy it happened.

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🤣🤣🤣

This is either jealousy or you’re stuck in the 50’s.

When my mum divorced my dad in the 80’s she was basically shunned by everyone including neighbours who never spoke to her after finding out she was a single mum and worked FT. So sad to think these pathetic humans still exist 40 years later

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 14:29

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:52

No, I speak to them more frequently than that as ai’m not prioritising my social life over their emotional needs.

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Maybe you should - you clearly need to unclench.

AFAIK there is nowhere in the OP that states she never sees her kids ever. Is there?

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 14:31

Exhater · 30/04/2023 14:25

You're assuming I don't know all of those things??

Do you have teenagers?

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yes I have raised teens as a single working mum, and changed my job to cut down on my hours when they really needed the most support, years 9-11. We survived on less pay, but as I said, I was needed at home . And yes I have educated thousands of teens, and seen what happens when they dont have the supervision and support they need at home, and find what they believe is "love" and "attention" elsewhere.

But if you are dong all these things anyway, then obviously there is no issue, that was not the impression your first post gave

Original poster
Exhater · 30/04/2023 14:31

I spoke to the kids after Ex first raised this, and asked them if they have any issues with me going out, let them know that if they want me home I will stay home with them.

My DD looked at me and said I deserve to have fun too. Nearly brought me to bloody tears

OP posts:
YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 14:31

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2023 13:54

Maybe some of us grew up being the child leaving an empty house and coming home to an empty house.

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Ah so you’re projecting. I see. That explains it.

From year 7 I came home to an empty house every day after school - I loved it, didn’t bother me a jot and if my mum fussed about my feelings over breakfast I’d have died of embarrasment. Maybe your kids don’t but some teenagers have it together perfectly fine without mummy being around to make snacks.

LakeTiticaca · 30/04/2023 14:32

They are 14 and 12 not 4 and 2. As long as they are sensible and get on well together it's mine IMH.
I used to babysit my baby sibling age 12 and I had a job at 13.
Children are babied too much by their parents these days, in my opinion and teaching them independence is good. No wonder so many of them can't seem to deal with adult life!!
Pass me my arse........

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 14:33

Namechange5508 · 30/04/2023 14:00

Just being around. Being present. That’s how a child feels loved and seen.

I know the OP is struggling to be around because of her current job, hence suggesting the children’s dad comes to hers to be with them until he’s got himself set up with a place of his own.

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Right so every parent should work school hours only otherwise Thor child isn’t loved properly?

What rot.

it’s unhealthy to never be away from your kids - for them and for you.

carriedout · 30/04/2023 14:34

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 14:31

Ah so you’re projecting. I see. That explains it.

From year 7 I came home to an empty house every day after school - I loved it, didn’t bother me a jot and if my mum fussed about my feelings over breakfast I’d have died of embarrasment. Maybe your kids don’t but some teenagers have it together perfectly fine without mummy being around to make snacks.

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Maybe your kids don’t but some teenagers have it together perfectly fine without mummy being around to make snacks. Thsi kind of sneering at other people is unnecessary.

You are also projecting @YouWonJayne - you are assuming it is fine for these kids because it was fine for you.

What this thread shows is there is wide variety, as there always was.

LakeTiticaca · 30/04/2023 14:34

I was bloody glad to have the house to myself when my parents were out!! Peace and quiet!!

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 14:35

Also it seems ‘being present’ is damaging for some kids - one poster had already stated that her kids seemingly just see her as someone to remember stuff they forget. That’s not a dynamic I’d ever, ever want in my relationship with my kids. A secretary with no life of her own - urgh

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 30/04/2023 14:35

Exhater · 30/04/2023 13:36

I begrudge the comment that they are raising themselves. I work full time as a single parent to pay the bills. I don't have a choice in that unfortunately!
Is one evening out every week or so really that bad? At what age am I allowed a life?

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I don't see why you begrudge it. I'm a lone parent. No father involvement, very minimal support from grandparents. Child has never once spent a night away from me, I have to be home by 7 latest every night as she has a disability and that's when she goes to bed. I can't recall the last time I was outside by door beyond 7. I essentially don't have a life. I'm certainly not alone. But I wouldn't take myself off out on a jolly and leave kids alone in the house. I can almost understand having to do it while at work, but not just to go out yourself, leave them opening a door to strangers for a takeaway and quite possibly coming home and waking them up. Yes, in times gone by we would have been babysitting at that age. The world is a hell of a different place now.

EarringsandLipstick · 30/04/2023 14:40

I agree with @ThickSkinnedSoWhat

I am a single parent to 3 DC, working f/t. Two teens, 1 preteen.

They are left alone in different combinations - eg when I'm working, when I've to take one to an activity. Unavoidable stuff. I wouldn't feel comfortable with them being alone for the lengths or frequency OP describes - not so much out of fear of what might happen, just I believe that parents should prioritise being with their DC, when possible & allowing for normal absences.

Everyone makes different choices tho - and as OP & her DC are happy, I guess that's ok - just OP did ask for opinions, and I wouldn't do what she does. I don't either socialise in the evenings, a combination of lack of time & money, and the fact that I already have to be away from them more than I'd like due to work so I am not going to opt for more time away.

EarringsandLipstick · 30/04/2023 14:41

And as with OP & others my DC do not spend time with my ex

AnonymousA1 · 30/04/2023 14:49

@Namechange5508 lucky for you you can afford to work part time. Some of us don’t have that luxury.

Happyher · 30/04/2023 14:51

Perhaps he’s bitter because his situation doesn’t allow him to see as much of them as he’d like and he’s annoyed that you have the opportunity but go out. I don’t see a problem leaving them if they’re mature enough but is the relationship you have with their dad good enough for you to let him stay with them when you go out at night? If it’s possible then surely that would be better all round.

Original poster
Exhater · 30/04/2023 14:54

Happyher · 30/04/2023 14:51

Perhaps he’s bitter because his situation doesn’t allow him to see as much of them as he’d like and he’s annoyed that you have the opportunity but go out. I don’t see a problem leaving them if they’re mature enough but is the relationship you have with their dad good enough for you to let him stay with them when you go out at night? If it’s possible then surely that would be better all round.

He won't stay with them at mine, he won't take them to his mum's where he's staying, he won't even have them for sodding dinner during the week.

OP posts:
CornedBeef451 · 30/04/2023 15:03

My DCs are the same age and I would not leave them like that.

Not for so long in the day and definitely not at night.

We're considering leaving them for about 4 hours for a late lunch but haven't actually done that yet.

I don't know anyone who leaves their kids for that long so I'm afraid I agree with their dad.

CalistoNoSolo · 30/04/2023 15:06

Hintofreality · 30/04/2023 13:32

YABU. As an occasional occurrence it’s probably fine but from what you describe, your children are basically raising themselves.
On a practical level they may be safe and capable but can you honestly say their emotional needs are being met with two always absent parents.

And, yes, your children will be worrying about you if you are out late, especially if you change plans. They will also be wondering what is much more important to you than being with them.

Yep.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 15:11

Exhater · 30/04/2023 14:54

He won't stay with them at mine, he won't take them to his mum's where he's staying, he won't even have them for sodding dinner during the week.

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Then he can shut the fuck up and mind his own business.

Honestly, stop giving him (and other posters on here) headspace. You're fine - your kids are fine.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 15:13

CornedBeef451 · 30/04/2023 15:03

My DCs are the same age and I would not leave them like that.

Not for so long in the day and definitely not at night.

We're considering leaving them for about 4 hours for a late lunch but haven't actually done that yet.

I don't know anyone who leaves their kids for that long so I'm afraid I agree with their dad.

If their dad was genuinely bothered, he'd offer to have them, surely?

But he doesn't. So he's clearly not bothered. He's just trying to make OP feel like shit for working and having a life outside of her children.

Original poster
Exhater · 30/04/2023 15:13

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 15:11

Then he can shut the fuck up and mind his own business.

Honestly, stop giving him (and other posters on here) headspace. You're fine - your kids are fine.

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Thank you @coffeecupsandwaxmelts I really appreciate your words.

It's so hard to know the right thing to do when I'm doing it all alone. It's so overwhelming at times and I just feel like I'm failing at everything no matter what I do

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 15:16

Exhater · 30/04/2023 15:13

Thank you @coffeecupsandwaxmelts I really appreciate your words.

It's so hard to know the right thing to do when I'm doing it all alone. It's so overwhelming at times and I just feel like I'm failing at everything no matter what I do

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No problem at all! :)

You're a single parent doing it all on your own with what sounds like no support from your ex. He has no right to try and make you feel guilty, and neither do any of the other people posting on here.

One night out a week when you have teenagers is absolutely fine. Honestly it is. My parents were married and still left me alone one night a week as I got older so they could go out Grin

YouNeverSeeTheRealMe · 30/04/2023 15:16

Throwncrumbs · 30/04/2023 13:43

Do you ever SEE your children? They get themselves up, go to school, get home and sort themselves out, you send them a takeaway, then get home gone midnight… several times a week? Really, I’m with your ex here, you’re using your 14 year old as care for your 12 year old. Poor kids!

THIS

Sweetladyjane · 30/04/2023 15:16

I’m a lone parent of similar age DC and I leave them after school whilst I’m working but think I’d be uneasy leaving them at night. It’s hard feeling that you can’t have a life but it’s only temporary and soon they’ll be a bit older and you’ll be able to leave them for longer.